...to raise my children like my mum raised me (parenting in the 80s thread)

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Firstly, let me make it so so clear that this isn’t necessarily a “weren’t it good in the good ol’ days” thread as it wasn’t. I have a great PT job that earns me a decent wage and I don’t think my mum would’ve been able to do the same when I was younger.

BUT there’s been a few threads about parenting in the 70s/80s and I wonder if I’m alone in thinking that the only “model” I want to emulate is how my mum raised me.

Basically I was brought up an only child in council housing with a mum who didn’t work and no dad. But she did a great job with me and I have many happy memories of having fun together and feeling loved.

It wasn’t golden - she had periods of bad mental ill health - but we rubbed along fine and even though I was bored a lot I’d describe my childhood as happy.

Now I’m firmly in the SW London nappy valley middle class and surrounded by THINGS to do with the children. Mine and 6mo and 2 and I feel such pressure that they’re MISSING OUT if I just want to stay in of a morning and watch Jeremy Kyle whilst they make their own fun.

I don’t know the point I’m trying to make but is there anyone else in my position who thinks that an 80s way of parenting seems to be more straightforward (and with less mental load?) than the modern middle class ways of soft play/swimming lessons on Saturdays/pureeing all the fresh veggies/worrying about too much sugar/etc?

Sometimes I just like tuning out (within reason) in front of the telly (or just writing my lists or reminders) and letting them get on with it. I want my children to learn how to entertain themselves when bored but also to get that sometimes sitting doing nowt is great.

AIBU to base my parenting style on the 80s?

My mum raised me in the 80s on puréed veg and playgroups also! We do playgroups and soft play every day as DS is an only child and he gets bored and starts drawing on walls etc when we are just stuck in all the time. But my childhood came with a lot more freedom to play outside with friends and siblings than there is now. I really want to do this too, but my anxiety won’t let me

I live in NappyValley & was born here. The difference in the 80s is there were less baby focused activities. As I got older I did do gymnastics, dancing & ice skating plus some sports after school. I did these out of choice except learning an instrument which was forced upon me. Apart from baby swimming I haven’t felt the need to do too much apart from maybe a baby group 1 or 2 x a week. I think it’s fine to be bored & not have plans.

But my childhood came with a lot more freedom to play outside with friends and siblings than there is now

Yes, we spent many a weekend doing this when young with other kids from the street. This is now a taboo for many particularly in London.

Your 3 year old does tennis?!!!

Apples it’s tot’s tennis. They play games and stuff. Just like rugby tots and the football one my friend’s son goes to.

Your children are tiny and won't benefit from structured activities much yet, pottering is just right for them.

In a few years' time it may well be different. Especially if you stay in SW london and all their friends are doing ballet, drama, swimming, tennis, science club. You will probably find your children want to do what their friends do. I'm not saying you have to say yes, but it is harder to say no now it has become the norm. Back in the 80s not doing activities was the norm but now, in your area, it will make your children unusual.

I felt the same before having dd1, we said we would only do one, maybe 2 clubs a week. We would keep weekends free of activities until older.

We do manage to keep weekends free to be spontaneous or just be at home. But we discovered my dd has some hypermobile traits and issues, so she needs to have weekly exercise sessions, so she swims and does gymnastics (on top of twice weekly exercise sessions at home) as well as rainbows. It is more than I intended her to do, but it has become a necessity to help her.

As is always he best with children, have ideas and guidelines to follow, but prepare to be flexible!

As is always he best with children, have ideas and guidelines to follow, but prepare to be flexible!

So true @widgetbeana

As I said before I hope I don’t seem like an ungrateful bugger; one of the primary reasons we won’t move out of borough IS down to its child-friendliness. But it’s almost like so much stuff DEMANDS to be done by its very existence

Just realising that the main reason my parents didn't pay for many enrichment activities was because they did all that at home. They taught us foreign languages, my mother and my brother played duets after dinner every day, I was encouraged to join in (but wasn't very keen), we sang together, my dad taught me to sail a boat and tried to teach me carpentering, my mum taught us to sew and knit and cook.

It was cheaper and involved less transport, perhaps less parental angst, but what it was not was a lack of parental involvement. There can't have been many evenings my mum didn't spend teaching one or other of us while my dad was busy with one of the others.

As a child I did no activities because we had no money. It wasn't great. I still regret having missed out on the opportunity to spend years honing a skill. I've tried to learn music and dance as an adult but I can't dedicate the time because I have too many other responsibilities, and I lack the adaptable brain I had in childhood. Imo there's a happy medium of having some hobbies but still having free time for creative play and reading.

There was a time when I was at primary school that I did an activity every day after school. I thrive on that kind of thing. I have ASD and do best in a busy routine. I had plenty of time to just be bored/read/watch TV etc, though.
You do have to have balance, as others have said. Too much boredom is not good. When we went to the Lake District ten years ago, the weather was shit and Dad was ill, so we didn’t do anything all week. Brother and I resorted to playing hide and seek and filming the “seeking” bit on mum’s phone... but my overriding memory of that holiday is how boring it was.

For whoever asked: “nappy valley” is in Battersea, between Clapham and Wandsworth Common.

Cheers, I asked as had no idea where it was