...to raise my children like my mum raised me (parenting in the 80s thread)

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Firstly, let me make it so so clear that this isn’t necessarily a “weren’t it good in the good ol’ days” thread as it wasn’t. I have a great PT job that earns me a decent wage and I don’t think my mum would’ve been able to do the same when I was younger.

BUT there’s been a few threads about parenting in the 70s/80s and I wonder if I’m alone in thinking that the only “model” I want to emulate is how my mum raised me.

Basically I was brought up an only child in council housing with a mum who didn’t work and no dad. But she did a great job with me and I have many happy memories of having fun together and feeling loved.

It wasn’t golden - she had periods of bad mental ill health - but we rubbed along fine and even though I was bored a lot I’d describe my childhood as happy.

Now I’m firmly in the SW London nappy valley middle class and surrounded by THINGS to do with the children. Mine and 6mo and 2 and I feel such pressure that they’re MISSING OUT if I just want to stay in of a morning and watch Jeremy Kyle whilst they make their own fun.

I don’t know the point I’m trying to make but is there anyone else in my position who thinks that an 80s way of parenting seems to be more straightforward (and with less mental load?) than the modern middle class ways of soft play/swimming lessons on Saturdays/pureeing all the fresh veggies/worrying about too much sugar/etc?

Sometimes I just like tuning out (within reason) in front of the telly (or just writing my lists or reminders) and letting them get on with it. I want my children to learn how to entertain themselves when bored but also to get that sometimes sitting doing nowt is great.

AIBU to base my parenting style on the 80s?

I don't think the eighties style of parenting of being raised in a non working household is the ideal to copy.

It's perfectly possible to work and parent, do things with the children whilst giving them down time too. It's all about balance and sharing the load between parents.

Some parents go OTT with activities but surely better that than parents who do nothing with their children. At least they will benefit from the opportunities and have experiences to look back on.

My kids do no formal activities.none.nadda.if they identify wanting something I’ll organise it.
However I know parents who micromanage and have activity schedule for their kids

I needed this thread today, I've been stuck alone with my three for three days now. The older two have had to make their own fun which has involved way too much screen time and empty calories while I've tended to grouchy newborn. I'm hoping they'll all be OK despite basically just being bored for three days straight.

I was born in the late 70s. My dm took me to classes, swimming and encouraged me to be outdoors or doing something all the time. We didn't have a tv (df thought it led to fat and lazy children - he was in the military and didn't believe in all things in moderation, pretty sure Captain Von Trapp was his parenting role model) and dm didn't work as she mostly had to follow df around Europe so we did lots of arts projects, went out a lot to the park/walks in the woods and organised play dates.

I don't think my parenting is too different to hers (emotional abuse excepted). Ds does a lot of activities (he's 3) but I prefer doing things. Like my dm I had postnatal mental health issues and getting out and meeting people has helped tremendously. Both dh and I spent a lot of time outside doing physical activities as children and the habit stuck into adulthood so I want the same for ds and his brother or sister I'm currently pregnant with.

I know what you mean OP - my parents didn't 'do' much with us either and we grew up fairly happy just playing and making our own fun. Lots of parents round there though (similar area to where you live), spend their lives going to theme parks, zoos, water parks, festivals and events. Their lives and weekends sound exhausting and I simply CBA to do half the stuff they do. They only benefit I can really see is that all these activities keep DC off flipping screens, which they'd otherwise be glued to - but then you have that joy ahead of you with two such little ones.

Believe me, heavily activity-focused parenting was alive and kicking in middle class SE London in the ‘80s! My DD’s friends were whisked from one must-do activity to another. I found it very competitive.

We noticed when we moved to the country that our children were much better at entertaining themselves than visiting children who were used to having all their time and entertainment planned for them. On the other hand ours were (and as adults still can be) quite lazy given the chance!

Swings and roundabouts.

What/where is nappy valley?

I don't think the eighties style of parenting of being raised in a non working household is the ideal to copy

No no @boxsetsandpopcorn

To aspire to have no job isn’t what I’m driving at here. My mum couldn’t work as she was ill often so please don’t think I’m painting my youth as a gilded Utopia

But Aubergine and MonkeyMamma have got what I’m saying, plus a PP who said that the past 20 years have seen the heat turn up on active parenting to an extent I now find was maybe never meant to be so intense.

I remember being very bored for a large portion of my childhood and wishing I had something to do. So there's clearly a balance to be struck.

But I don't recognise OP's frenzied activities of today alternative either - I suspect this is something particular to particular middle class "bubbles"? Nobody round here would take their pre-school children to more than the odd baby group and after school activities for school age children would be limited to one or two. DC play out freely from about age 8 and are in and out of each others' houses. They choose not to do activities because they'd rather just "hang out" with friends.

exactly kids don't no how to be bored.
nor to be told its this or nothing for tea.
nor to be just told you will or wont do this and the kid actually does it
we don't need to sometimes be on thre level.they should just listen and behave.
we don't need to discuss montys thoughts on the matter.im the adult
we do stuff together as a family.cook.eat.laugh.mock.argue.but come back to it we are a unit that loves eachother.becasue we just feel it.feel it running through the home
we don't need 20 activities.if they get bored they find something to do and imagination sparks!
I get so distressed on pressure to be a parent or good family or good kid these days.so much pressure to fill time.learn.educate eat good or bad things.homework.tests.
that isn't and enver was what my family was.
its also knowing you can get a bollokcing(as in telling off not physical) but all the way through your not scared because love is there you've just behaved like a shit so they are telling you off!and then the moment is over and within minutes your back to the unit again.

I think it’s about striking a balance. Extra curricular activities are v good for mental health. They saved me when dealing with multiple bereavements at university.

I think the best approach is to decide on some “essential” activities (we live near the coast so that’s swimming) and then be largely child- led. (But I think at least one other “out of school” activity is good as it keeps school in perspective)

We have four DC
Eldest - struggles socially at school, has blossomed since she started a hobby she enjoys
DC2 - probably has adhd - is less of an explosion of energy since he picked up some energetic hobbies
DC3 - quite introverted, sticks to 3 activities (beavers, swimming, another sport). He’s a high flier academically but his sport hasn’t come naturally to him and it has been v good for him to have to work at something
DC4 - a proper extrovert, with a true passion for dance. She does a lot of classes but absolutely lives for them. She will happily play an imaginative game by herself, but would be devastated if she had to give up any of her classes (dance x3, drama, singing)

I get what you mean about unsupervised down time though. The joy of having 4 is that they do all disappear off and play with each other. I’d just one or two are at home they are much more likely to want us to “actively” parent - so perhaps shrinking family sizes have had an influence on parenting styles?

FWIW - I was a child of the 80s and did piano, violin, swimming, dance, horse riding and choir and sailing. Still have glorious memories of plenty of free time too though.

my best memories of holiday was sitting and slobbing in my pjs with cartoons.
or mum briging obstacle course out into the garden.
having a picnic in the middle of the lawn or making dens.
I don't remember days out to 'locations' unless it was picnics.or national trust house where it was more family time rather than activity doing doing doing so many activities times.

It is about find the right balance that works for you OP. I refuse to do activities on a weekend, whereas some of DC's friends can never come over as they have swimming/dancing/drama/climbing/football etc. I would find that too much every weekend. Plus as a single parent, there is no other parent to share to burden of running around.

When DC were young, I looked at friends with older children and swore that I would not run around like they are, but it creeps up on you. and DC prefer to be with friends after school, so like doing things like Cubs/Brownies/Crafts etc. None of it costs very much and it also helps me with childcare when it is straight after school.

Today, I have to work from home, and DC are out on their bikes on their own, as their friends have sports fixtures. They are happy to entertain themselves, and will happily play with Wi, dolls, puzzles etc, plus of course time on the ipad. But I am happy for them to chill for an hour after being out cycling up and down for an hour.

I was born in the 70's, not much money, and my parents never took me swimming, or to the cinema. We never went to theme parks. The first film I saw, I was 10, whereas as DC went at 4yo. As a child, my days out were either the moors or the beach and they were few and far between. Any days out were things that my father wanted to do, never any thought for us children.

I grew up in the 80's and did gymnastics, horse riding, ballet, sailing, guides and swimming. Not at the same time though probably never more than two actives a week. Also did a hell of a lot of playing out, watching TV and making our own fun.

There's a balance. Some activities are good, depends on child's interests. I don't regret any of what I did, only that I didn't stick with some through my teenage years when I spent too much time on a computer/TV.

The joy of having 4 is that they do all disappear off and play with each other. I’d just one or two are at home they are much more likely to want us to “actively” parent - so perhaps shrinking family sizes have had an influence on parenting styles?

I do wonder @NeverTwerkNaked

And that’s one of the reasons we want a big family so (hopefully) the children can play amongst themselves and (hopefully) be a little gang together.

I live in a mc area were there are huge amount of apparently enriching,educational,fun and costly activities. There are languages,music,drama,sport,tutors.
And there is a type of parent who really gets into all the enriching must do activities
A day out simply isn’t enough, it has to be making memories & wonderful
A trip has to be enriching and educational and audio guide obligatory for retention
Visit to the shop for a guide, or educational toy. Erasers and lollies don’t cut it
Food must be sourced ethically,be niche enough that it’s not High St.
No sugar,msg,hydrogenated fats and if it’s shop bought make it in a garish pouch

No nestle products,no carbonated drinks (Well, ok maybe San Pellegrino)
And it’s an insular and competitive milieu for the parents and the kids

When mine were younger they did a lot of different activities, never so many that they didn't have down time but enough to try out different things. As they got older they dropped ones to suit what they preferred as teenagers did three different sports each (one is a sport that they both did at the same time). As their chosen activities are outdoors it generally means that I get to sit outside with a long, cool drink and chatting to others so it's fine for me as well.

It's very different to when I was growing up as it all revolved around my parents and their jobs and whatever they wanted to do - usually a long walk in the country on both weekend days which involved them walking on ahead at a faster rate than I could manage and me being on my own somewhere behind them.

We do a mixture, my 3 year old does swimming, tennis and rhyme time in the week but we relax at the weekends (we are currently watching Peppa before we go back out in the paddling pool).

Mine and 6mo and 2

There in is why you can't yet appreciate the value in doing stuff with your kids. Preschoolers don't need much.

You're thinking about running before you can walk. You gave absolutely no idea what life will be like as you have an 8 and 10yo, 10 and 12yo etc.

For what it's worth, I was 4-14 through the 80s, so my childhood was right through the 80s. We were always busy doing stuff. Either sports, guiding, family days out, or tagging along while siblings too part in their sports. I also just played at home or with local friends.

I describe my childhood and very happy. I strive to be as good at parenting as my parents were. I think doing nothing (or little) with your children on a weekly basis is poor parenting.

How I wish my parents had PUSHED me to learn a musical instrument, do dance from a young age, play sports, learn a language!

We did go out and do stuff as a family, but mostly shopping, visiting relatives, going to a theme park now and again. The boredom did inspire me to be creative, but I think it went too far the other way.

How I wish I could speak another language now and play an instrument. It can be a real confidence boost as an adult.

I think houses were shabbier, people had less possessions, and their standards of living were lower, (ie an electric mixer was probably the fanciest item you possessed, dishwashers were not so common for example) there was more time spent doing basic chores, and therefore less time to spare inventing chores that nowadays we insist on (fancy cooking is an example, in the old days cooking was just more ordinary with fewer ingredients). It mattered less if your children made a house in your living room out of a table and sofa cushions and the duvet cover. The stakes were lower. Children could paint on the kitchen table and cook by themselves without feeling it was the end of the world if the house became shabby and grotty.

We did most of our activities in school, outside school we went to local swimming pool and in the holidays on walks if our parents took us one.

How I wish my parents had PUSHED me...

Absolutely.

A small (current day) anecdote about this. My DD13 and 5 of her friends were eligible to go on a special Guide camp where they would could be chosen to represent the county on an international trip overseas.

Both of my DD'S closest trouble friends "couldn't be bothered" to go on the camp. Hindsight now shows that actually it was fear of failing (not being selected) and they were saying they couldn't be bothered in order to hide the real reason they were nervous about going.

Parent A just accepted Child A couldn't be bothered and left it at that.

Parent B pushed Child B. She insisted they filled out the form and did the preparation work and got things ready for the camp. While she didn't force her to go, Parent B did put a lot of time and effort into persuading and pushing Child B to give it a try.

Child B went on the camp. She has been selected to go on an international trip. She is thankful her mum pushed her to do it.

I have spoken to Parent A several times since the selection a couple if weeks ago. It's had a profound affect on Child A's confidence. She feels left-out and isolated. She very much regrets not attending. Not least because all 5 of the friendship group who attended the camp got selected, Child A is the only one not going on an international trip in 2019. So if she'd have been brave (or been pushed by her parents), she stood a very high chance of being selected too.

Pushing children to do stuff is important I think. It's a balance alongside using ones imagination to entertain yourself when bored. Too much of either extreme is poor parenting imo.

No I don’t push, I’ll leave that to the pushy parents who expend time & energy conspicuously pushing
As I said my kids don’t do any formal activities.nada.

One of the things I loved most about my own childhood was being given lots of freedom to play outdoors in long involved games with a bunch of kids in the neighborhood. I'd have been out on the street or park most of the time from about the age of 6 up.

I really wanted to give that to my own children, but found it hard to do so because other parents weren't willing to let they're kids play out without an adult. Not until about 11, and they don't really play quite the same by that age.

I only have two kids though and they're 3.5 years apart. So if you're planning a big brood, close in age, they might play out with each other a bit more. Be prepared for the odd judgy comment though, as you live in a posh area.