...to raise my children like my mum raised me (parenting in the 80s thread)

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Firstly, let me make it so so clear that this isn’t necessarily a “weren’t it good in the good ol’ days” thread as it wasn’t. I have a great PT job that earns me a decent wage and I don’t think my mum would’ve been able to do the same when I was younger.

BUT there’s been a few threads about parenting in the 70s/80s and I wonder if I’m alone in thinking that the only “model” I want to emulate is how my mum raised me.

Basically I was brought up an only child in council housing with a mum who didn’t work and no dad. But she did a great job with me and I have many happy memories of having fun together and feeling loved.

It wasn’t golden - she had periods of bad mental ill health - but we rubbed along fine and even though I was bored a lot I’d describe my childhood as happy.

Now I’m firmly in the SW London nappy valley middle class and surrounded by THINGS to do with the children. Mine and 6mo and 2 and I feel such pressure that they’re MISSING OUT if I just want to stay in of a morning and watch Jeremy Kyle whilst they make their own fun.

I don’t know the point I’m trying to make but is there anyone else in my position who thinks that an 80s way of parenting seems to be more straightforward (and with less mental load?) than the modern middle class ways of soft play/swimming lessons on Saturdays/pureeing all the fresh veggies/worrying about too much sugar/etc?

Sometimes I just like tuning out (within reason) in front of the telly (or just writing my lists or reminders) and letting them get on with it. I want my children to learn how to entertain themselves when bored but also to get that sometimes sitting doing nowt is great.

AIBU to base my parenting style on the 80s?

That's not '80s parenting', it's just different parenting.

Generations of parents have brought their kids up differently to the people around them.

That's the beauty of choice. You do what suits you and yours and don't worry about what suits others.

There's a balance to be had. I think it's nice that there are so many activities avaliable to kids these days, but I do agree that there is too much helicoptering and hot housing going on. Kids are happier if they have large chunks of time where they are left to their own devices

Surely most people fall somewhere in the middle? I love that their are always options of places to go and so many different activities to do. We also spend a lot of time playing in the garden, or they amuse themselves while I do things I want/need to do. Just like my 80’s childhood really.

I think too many activities kills imagination.

Creativity is what happens when kids get bored.

Constant activities only really became a thing in the 90’s so pretty much every decade before then was as you describe. Children just play. Mine do Scouts and that’s it. Otherwise their time is their second to do as they please. One likes sleeping (he’s 12) the other goes out in the morning and comes back when his belly tells him to.

I feel the same @fuckthetodolist

Life at present has a way of throwing out a lot of stuff unexpectedly that can leave DH and I feeling mentally overloaded. We want to try and “find our groove” as parents before we have DC3 and like everyone we cherry pick from what’s around us and experience.

I’m not sure what I’m saying really, I suppose it’s because I live in “HotHouse Central SW19” I need to take stock that what I’m being isn’t an absent parent but a present one, but just not THERE asking things of my toddler all the time.

I think it’s great to be able to do both. Mine have a couple of structured activities, we go out to loads of interesting places and, at home, the kids are left to their own devices.

Doing a mix of both is a good balance. We have lazy days where we stay home and the DC's play in the garden, read books, watch TV etc but if I did that everyday I would get bored. Its nice to head off somewhere together and still leaves a lot of the day free to relax.

I worked for families who mostly had their kids doing an activity every night.

One family had TWO activists for their girls (both under 6 years) every after school, four on a Saturday and three on a Sunday.

School holidays were a fucking nightmare. I remember my boss coming in during a play date where I'd let the girls do what they want and play dress up rather than buy a specific, new activity for them to do as I was instructed for all play dates and screaming at me. What would the other parents think? They weren't having fun!

Fun? I've never met kids that have any ounce of joy kicked out of them like those poor girls.

Fast forward 7 years (I still see them occasionally) and they are deeply unhappy. And still so busy.

Conversely, I did NOTHING when I was growing up. I don't agree with that either.

Due to living somewhere EXTREMELY remote ds only ever went to one baby singing group but I still bust my ass to make sure he does a couple of groups/activities a week, I think it's important. He spends most of his time outside in the snow/sun though.

Life at present has a way of throwing out a lot of stuff unexpectedly that can leave DH and I feeling mentally overloaded. We want to try and “find our groove”. If you two are more relaxed that will be a much greater benefit to your children than endless clubs.

Umm, we went to play groups and my mum puréed fresh vegetables in the 1980s. Sorry to burst the bubble.

You’re not describing 80s parenting as such,you’re describing your upbringing
I agree that some parents get obsessed with everything has to be enriching, and fun.
its like a mc competition who can be the coolest parent with a side order of pushy and neurotic
And you find your groove by doing your own thing and trusting your own judgement
Not habitually discussing schools/house prices as if these topics are of critical importance
You need to do your own thing not get swept along by the herd, and learn to ignore others folk unhelpful advice

I'm another that thinks there should be a balance.

I was great at making my own fun as a kid because that's all we had to do - there were no classes or structured activities and rarely days out. I would have killed to have some of the choices/lessons/activities my dc do.
We keep it a mix of structured activities, days out and doing nothing/dc amusing themselves.

I'm completely not a fan of paying for activities for the sake of it - like rhyme time or baby massage or any of the other 100 activities and classes some people take tiny babies to - it all seems such a waste/pointless to me.

What Worrra said. Not many people around here do the anxious parenting you describe anyway, but I have read descriptions of it from as far back as the Edwardian age.

The school of letting children do as they like so as not to hamper their personalities is described in the Anne of Green Gables books as a specific school of child-rearing so hardly very new-fangled either.

The activities thing is probably more widespread now as more parents have that kind of money, but there are still plenty of people who can't manage it and don't expect to, and there were people who did it 30 years ago.

I was thinking the same the other day op when pondering how to fill the summer holidays. In the 80's/early 90's we just played out all day with a clothes maiden and sheet and made a den. Going swimming was a real treat!

I don't think it's 80s parenting, more to do with money.
I grew up in the 60s and you'd struggle to recreate that. We were pretty feral. From about 8 years old we'd disappear to the woods with a group of other children from the street. Build dens and stay all day. No TV or "activities". I don't ever remember my parents doing stuff with us.

It is important for kids to be around other kids though.

My sil has never had a play date with her two girls. They have no friends for their children at all. Both girls when they've come to ds' birthday parties and mix with other kids end up a pair of screaming, grabby nightmares who just have no idea at all about how to interact with others.

If you two are more relaxed that will be a much greater benefit to your children than endless clubs

Absolutely. We don’t have plans to have the children DOING STUFF when they get a bit older, maybe Scouts or Brownies but we are just surrounded by “doing”.

It’s the normality of doing so much (with children who are still so, so young) that made me question if I’m missing something or taking inspiration from an era so different to ours.

Surely it's a matter of balance. Also live in SW London and I work 4 days a week as does Dh.

On the days we have the kids (big one is in school), we take DS2 to a baby group/class in the morning which he thoroughly enjoys..then post nap we just chill out, play, read books, listen to music. School run. Big one has an after school activity twice a week (the same activity- he plays a musical instrument to quite a high standard), otherwise home, a bit of homework, and I throw them out in the garden in the summer or just let them entertain themselves. Make dinner. Eat, play some more, bed time.

We don't do television/ipad/screens at all (unless there is sport on), so I don't veg out in front of the TV per se. I might read a book with a cup of tea while DS2 plays. I don't mind playing with kids actually, but I also agree that its important for them to get bored and find their own fun. DS1 who is 6 is very capable of entertaining himself- he can sit and read/do puzzles/sticker books etc without much parental intervention to the point where I sometimes miss the times when he used to go 'Mummmmmyyyyy'.

Activities don't come into their own until long after your children's current age. Then, they're important, IMHO. And there's nothing wrong with a bit of judicious pushing. My pair of very bright but naturally laziness-inclined preteens would miss out on a lot of experiences and skills that will stand them in great stead for later if they didn't have me finding and signing them up for things and ensuring they honour their commitments. Obviously a balance is important. Mine get plenty of time to mess about in the garden with the neighbours' kids and sit in front of the dreaded screens.

Family member of mine moved to “nappy valley” in London and fucking hated it. She said it was constant pressure and one upmanship (I have no personal experience of it, I’m only going by what she said)

I’m a mix of both, we do “stuff” and days out/activities, but we also have lazy days or days where the bairns have to find their own fun sometimes.

Oh god yes! This! I’ve two, aged 3 and 6, and sometimes, despite them being literally the best kids in the world, I feel really, really overwhelmed. I think a big part of this is:
Worrying they’re having too much sugar/not enough organic veg/lean protein/not trying a wide enough variety of foods
Worrying they’re having too much telly/ screen time
Worrying we’re not doing enough ‘making memories’: soft play, farm visits, nature walks
Having a house jammed with craft and science kits and games that require a lot parental input.

Watching my parents (who raised me in the 80s) and making allowances for the grandparent (ie rightfully more indulgent!) factor, I observe a lot less angst (and remember a lot less from my childhood too). A lot more messy craft but less pressure to achieve a Pinterest worthy result! Lots more time outside but it was just fun in the woods or beach, maybe a sandwich or two. Or my dad always had a bar of choc in his back pocket in case a walk went on for ages! Food was filling and tasty but no handwringing because we wouldn’t eat lentils or avocado or anything. We were allowed to watch telly, not all day obviously, but I don’t think my parents felt bad about it. We had toys and got on and played with them!
Also in those days people didn’t have Facebook/Pinterest and time to read articles with titles like “15 things you should never say to your toddler” and “20 habits of parents with well-adjusted kids”, they just got on with it and if we were behaving ok and working hard at school they were happy. I’m sure parenting was no walk in the park in those days! But I don’t think people made it more complicated for themselves like I do. It’s lile I’m trying to raise “perfect” kids and give them a “perfect” childhood. Sometimes I just need to give my head a wiggle and say “calm down love, and have a bit of Vienetta!”

In terms of activities btw DS1 (who is 6.5) does music. A lot of music- lessons/orchestra etc, but that's led by him. He plays two instruments, one to a good standard already. He wants to start a third but I have said WAIT (plus its EXPENSIVE!). He has swimming lessons on a Saturday morning. DS2 has a swimming lesson for babies at the same time as well.

Yes agree. I heard a radio show a couple if years ago where they were saying there is a generation of kids growing up thst rarely get the chance to just be. It was saying kids dropped at nurseries and breakfast clubs early/before school then after school care then activities and clubs evenings and weekends.

It was catch 22 - they said today's kids were better socialised but missed out on having time to actually get bored and therefore creative.
I think it is sad as a society baking or hang making dens in the garden/under the dining table or Makingg salt dough/paper mache with a parent is something not done daily but more of a rare trest when us parents have tbe time.

I had a 70s childhood. My mum worked part time but I always remember her having time for me. Even doing the chores she would involve me - helping with the twin tub, stopping to watch the trains/feed ducks on the way to/from butchers or green grocers.

I would be allowed on the street to play (Was safer then I guess). We played games like British Bulldog, marbles on drain covers, draw hopscotch on pavements with stones or sometimes we had the luxury of a piece of chalk, roller skating and bike riding.
Even just playing for hours on end in our small garden- I would get bored alone but created all kinds of games with the few plant pots, wood pieces eye hanging around. It wasn't all wonderful and a few bad things did happen but I judt look back at having time to just be - yes we hot bored but through that we made our fun.

Days out were rare. We were pretty poor. My manna took me to Longlest and I remember going to The Roman Baths, Zoo etc but most days out were a pic nic on a park with better at stuff in it than the ones locally. The village fete was a huge highlight of the year.
Everything now is £££ and there is so much pressure on parents to take kids to all these places.
I think life was harder back then but slower. Today we are all rushing around like headless chickens.

I grew up in the 1980s and did an activity five days out of seven. (Music, dancing, sports, guides etc)

Parent how you choose. The only “pressure” you are feeling is self inflicted. There are plenty of kids who do no activities at all.