To feel repulsed by DH sometimes..

[Fedups]

Feeling so down about this today..and DH has just stormed off refusing to speak, as he always does. I honestly need some perspective on this, so thank you for reading if you do.
DH has always had a problem with initiative, probably due to growing up with an overbearing controlling mother. He can be sweet & kind and loving, but often lacks such basic drive, it’s been like living with a child sometimes. 3 years ago, I discovered he had been having an affair with a young girl at work, and had been lying to me for 18 months. It tore our family apart, but I managed to keep things together, and for the sake of our young family, gave it another chance. For a time things were great, he seemed interested and motivated by us. And being with us. However, since then, his motivation for anything..has simply disappeared. He takes no interest in himself, has developed a huge paunch. Can’t stand up easily, or bend down to pick things up, because he has got that big.
He eats everything & anything, including tubs of clotted cream..’because he can’..and if I comment, he just eats more.
His dental hygiene has become appalling..which really hurts, as he always had a fresh bottle of lusterine on the go, when he was seeing this girl. His breath is sometimes so repulsive, I can smell it from feet away. But he says he doesn’t care.
As well as this, he has taken to not bothering to shower on the weekends..which I just don’t understand. He really cannot be bothered..and seemingly can’t be bothered about me, or what I think. This morning at breakfast, I could smell BO, and he claims he was simply too busy to shower yesterday. At home all day in the garden, on the hottest day of the year..but he was just too busy to shower.
I’ve finally snapped, and commented that he used to shower twice a day for this girl. In fact he used to make more of an effort with everything. Does he not see how it might seem to me? I look after myself. I am 50, and am slim and still considered young & pretty for my age. I feel like I am wasted on this man sometimes. I can’t feel anything towards somebody who has so much apathy towards themselves, or me!
I’ve tried not saying anything for months, to trying to talk about it gently and openly...but he never responds. He just makes some derogatory ‘yes dear’ comment..and walks away. I honestly don’t know what to do. But it is making me feel so lost & low.
Am I being unreasonable in wishing he would look after himself more? Or am I right to think that a man who truly cared what his partner thought, would take some pride in with his hygiene and his appearance.
I know this all might seem ridiculously over sensitive and inane, but thank you for reading

Two things stand out for me.

You married a man who has never had initiative. So he hasn't changed in this respect, this is who you married.

He was unsupportive when you experienced a late miscarriage and were looking after a young child. Indeed he toook the opportunity of your preoccupation to have an affair. That I find horrendous and unforgiveable.

How would you feel about living without him? Sounds like it might be more fun in many ways, lighter and easier. Unless you have some very deep fear of being single, of needing any man at any cost, I think you should eb giving that some very serious thought.

I think he wants you to dump him. I remember a boyfriend at school doing similar in that he gave up self care and took up compulsive overeating in part to get rid of me because he was too much of a coward to take the initiative.

The thing is those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind if you do take on the initiative and end the marriage. He dismissed your feelings over a miscarriage and he calls you a nag as he doesn't want to listen to you. He has firmly put you in the 'tower of strength/amazing superwoman' box which is also the same box as 'person who's feelings can be dismissed' while being about as much use as a marzipan dildo when you DID need him.

At the moment he is a stinky leaky slobby third child. I'd see a solicitor and see where you stand should a divorce be required first and put yourself in the mindset that it might have to happen. Chances are he'll be surprised should you make the move first.

I didn't even finish reading the first post before LTB kicked in. A fat lazy adulterer with bad breath? No.

OP has just poured her heart out and the subsequent posts are about how she's made me look! OP poured her heart out including telling us how she lost a child, and you told her she was a nag. You didn't need help from the OP or anyone else to make yourself look bad, and having realised that you start posting ?

He sounds like a complete turd, and not just because he stinks. LTB!

I didn't even finish reading the first post before LTB kicked in. A fat lazy adulterer with bad breath? No.

+1

Divorce his sorry ass stating his adultery as the reason.

I also agree with the PP who pointed out he took advantage of your grief to have an affair.

Perhaps prior to children, you were self sufficient enough to accept him for who he is - a kind hearted, somewhat lazy man who plodded along. Meanwhile you were able to have your own life, do mostly what you pleased and his attitude didn’t affect you in such a big way.

But then children came along. You realise he isn’t doing all he could do for them. He remains exactly the same while you adapt and you look at him resentfully because he isn’t striving to be better. Yet he isn’t lazy, he maintained an eighteen month affair whilst having a young family. That takes some work, and lots of initiative.

You said he is a good Dad. That may be the case but he isn’t a good example . Is he?

Marriage counselling would be worth a shot because you can’t continue unhappily for the remainder of your life. But walking away a scary. I get that. Try couples counselling. It might help you both to make decisions about the best way forward for you both and your children.

Catching up today op you are not a nag loveky you are a bloody saint. Time to stand up for yourself and dump this cheating smelly lazy git.

He sounds depressed. Turn this around to being the female... Would the advice be the same. As for "tough shit, it's his problem, not yours". I think in this attitude we find part of the reason for for the campaigns around male suicide rates.

"My wife cheated on with a young man she worked with. When I found out and it ended, she lost all interest in her appearance, though she showered twice a day when she was with him. She has gained weight and her breath stinks, I feel repulsed by her sometimes. When I tell her she laughs at me. What should I do?"

Hi OP. The overwhelming consensus (and you can add me to that too) is that you should leave her. But you have only really addressed the possible "depression" point, which I think you should be annoyed by as it seems it only started when you ruined her extra-marital fun?

Don't be the type of person who rots in a miserable marriage and just pops onto a forum to vent when it all starts to feel too much. An alarming factor here is also that when she does start to get herself together, it's probably because she's found another new friend. When she starts brushing his teeth and eating lean chicken, you start getting your ducks in a row - quickly!

How's that Alexkate? Same reply as the one I posted upthread, because it's the same situation.

Here’s my tip OP; invest in a Kaercher pressure washer, turn it to full blast and hose this fat slob of a stinker out of your home. Life is too short to spend with someone who turns your stomach.

Jesus.

Letting yourself stink and expecting others to be around you is disgusting behaviour.

Sadly I agree with PP: he doesn't care about your opinion and won't make the effort for you as he doesn't respect you.

You've been direct and subtle and he's made it damn clear he won't be changing so I don't think you have any option but to leave.

Imagine being with a lovely man who doesn't cheat and you can kiss and snuggle up to without feeling sick. Who actually smells amazing. How great would that be?

It is just a matter of respect, really, isn't it? You would not expect anyone to put up with you stinking with sweat and foul breath. If he shared a flat with someone he wouldn't expect them to put up with it, would he? One shows enough respect to the people around one, no matter who they are or what relationship one may have with them to bathe.

He doesn't. He's not setting a good example to your children either, is he? So how 'good' a dad is he really?

He's a shit husband and a shit dad. Get rid.

You could cut all the crap out of this thread and get to the nitty gritty in no time.

He cheated on you, you took him back and now you're saddled with a nasty, dirty disgusting boor who has the fucking cheek to look down on you.

You shouldn't have taken him back.

You can undo that bad decision at any time and move forward into a life you'd actually want to have!

There Fizzy rests the case for the prosecution! Well said.

Thank you for all your responses on this, so many kind considerate people here on MN. I had actually typed an update at lunch time, and managed to delete it before it updated. Guess that’s my life to a tee..been hitting too many back buttons. Time to press a few forward instead..
I agree Alexkaty..every marital story has two sides..and I’ve always tried to keep that in mind where our marriage is concerned.
I’m happy to self deprecate and accept criticism when it can be constructive. That’s what I did after the affair. I accepted I was perhaps too preoccupied with our children and the home and my lingering sorrow. It was certainly out of character for me, so I think it took us both by surprise. And losing two of our closest friends, really had more of an impact in many ways, than we had realised. It was all a very sad time.
Fast forward a few months, and this young lady marches into DH’s life, and not being a man to ever take initiative, every other person in the organisation, knew of her intentions for him, before he even had a clue himself. Low cut tops, short skirts...and a flirtatious floor show, were the order of his working day. So having engineered a trip away with his team, the inevitable happened. And then he couldn’t say no. In fact he can never say no. He has only ever been conditioned to say yes. Which in itself is a bugbear, as he ends up letting people down, by saying yes to things he really can’t deliver. So he plodded along keeping the nymphette sweet...and lets just say her bedroom demands, were more than he’d ever imagine were womanly possible. So yes, good times were had. Until of course, she wanted more. And had picked out their house in the country, based on his generous income, but forgetting to factor in the family he was still financially supporting at home. Oblivious to every thing that was going on. Yes it’s a sorry tale, but one I would be prepared to forget, if it meant we could be happy.
We spoke about the hygiene issue, and he admitted it didn’t bother him, as much as it did me. A bit like the house. I am bothered by the peeling paint and crumbling walls, whereas he doesn’t even notice. That’s just who he is. But he wants to make me happy, and he is sorry. He certainly seemed to change his tack after we had spoke, and not only was showered, but teeth scrubbed and nice shirt to boot!
We shall see..there is a longer road ahead than that of course. But thank you so much for your replies

A small point, but regarding friends/family having forgiven him for the affair and thinking he's wonderful...

A friend of mine was cheated on by their spouse. They split for a time, friend heartbroken. Then they got back together, and now seem very happy.

In this situation, I see it as my role to support my friend. So if they want to get back with the cheater, I will be right there, smiling and chatting and making everyone feel welcome. It doesn't mean I have forgiven/forgotten the cheater, just that I won't express my opinion if I know that to do so would hurt my friend.

So maybe your friends and family all think he's a cheating unhygienic dirt bag and privately wonder why the hell you're still with him, but don't say it out of politeness.

Aagh epic cross post.

OP, in your update your description of your DH's affair describes him as a powerless, helpless jelly, completely unable to ward off the temptations of the wily, determined seductress. If he can never say no, how can you ever trust him again? I'm sorry.

So having engineered a trip away with his team, the inevitable happened.

There was nothing inevitable about it.

And then he couldn’t say no.

Of course he could. He says no to you enough times on things that matter to you.

He has only ever been conditioned to say yes.

He's not an automaton. He is not some helpless passive being whose life has just happened to him. The OW acted dishonourably, of course, but he was not her helpless victim. He made a choice. He is responsible.

Which in itself is a bugbear, as he ends up letting people down, by saying yes to things he really can’t deliver.

When middle aged men do things to keep 20-something women sweet, it is not because they have been conditioned to please everybody.

Yes it’s a sorry tale, but one I would be prepared to forget, if it meant we could be happy.

But what's he doing to make you forget it? What's he doing to prove to you that he really believes he made a mistake and he understands now what is important?

I don't subscribe to the MN idea that everyone who has an affair is evil incarnate and had nothing but malicious motives. I don't think affairs are usually malicious. People have them to make themselves feel good, not to make others feel bad. And you were having a sad time, as you say. I don't believe it is necessarily impossible to come back from something like this. But if you are going to come back from it, it HAS to be on the basis of him taking responsibility, manning up and proving to you, by his actions, that he is sorry, and he realises his mistake, and he knows your value now and will not forget it again.

Is that what's happening?

Oh OP, your description of your husband's affair just makes me sad.

You've convinced yourself that the poor, helpless man could really do nothing else but stray.

Because if you admit to yourself that he wanted to stray, that he chose to stray, that he absolutely chose to have sex with her while being with you, you may have to face up to the reality that your relationship is a sham.

Look at what you write there. Just look at it.

Shame you blame all the women in his life, including yourself, for him being a complete twat. The young girl is probably glad she let your stinker get away! All the money in the world isn't worth that.

Op, your last post is an absolute masterclass in shifting blame everywhere except where it really lies

I don't think upu really understand just how much you jave compromised yourself already and still continue to do so

Please check out Chump Lady. You will find both him and you on there.

For goodness sake, op.

Woman up. This is getting ridiculous

Of course he can say no to cheating on you. Your post is very out there. Why excuse it so much

You cannot put all the blame on the shoulders of the OW - your useless dh must take his (massive) share of the blame.