To feel repulsed by DH sometimes..

[Fedups]

Feeling so down about this today..and DH has just stormed off refusing to speak, as he always does. I honestly need some perspective on this, so thank you for reading if you do.
DH has always had a problem with initiative, probably due to growing up with an overbearing controlling mother. He can be sweet & kind and loving, but often lacks such basic drive, it’s been like living with a child sometimes. 3 years ago, I discovered he had been having an affair with a young girl at work, and had been lying to me for 18 months. It tore our family apart, but I managed to keep things together, and for the sake of our young family, gave it another chance. For a time things were great, he seemed interested and motivated by us. And being with us. However, since then, his motivation for anything..has simply disappeared. He takes no interest in himself, has developed a huge paunch. Can’t stand up easily, or bend down to pick things up, because he has got that big.
He eats everything & anything, including tubs of clotted cream..’because he can’..and if I comment, he just eats more.
His dental hygiene has become appalling..which really hurts, as he always had a fresh bottle of lusterine on the go, when he was seeing this girl. His breath is sometimes so repulsive, I can smell it from feet away. But he says he doesn’t care.
As well as this, he has taken to not bothering to shower on the weekends..which I just don’t understand. He really cannot be bothered..and seemingly can’t be bothered about me, or what I think. This morning at breakfast, I could smell BO, and he claims he was simply too busy to shower yesterday. At home all day in the garden, on the hottest day of the year..but he was just too busy to shower.
I’ve finally snapped, and commented that he used to shower twice a day for this girl. In fact he used to make more of an effort with everything. Does he not see how it might seem to me? I look after myself. I am 50, and am slim and still considered young & pretty for my age. I feel like I am wasted on this man sometimes. I can’t feel anything towards somebody who has so much apathy towards themselves, or me!
I’ve tried not saying anything for months, to trying to talk about it gently and openly...but he never responds. He just makes some derogatory ‘yes dear’ comment..and walks away. I honestly don’t know what to do. But it is making me feel so lost & low.
Am I being unreasonable in wishing he would look after himself more? Or am I right to think that a man who truly cared what his partner thought, would take some pride in with his hygiene and his appearance.
I know this all might seem ridiculously over sensitive and inane, but thank you for reading

A lot of this was tough to read, and not because anyone has been harsh or unkind, quite the opposite, but because it’s so stark and unanimous in opinion on this. I guess the LTB approach is obviously not one I can countenance easily. So in that sense, the bar does indeed seem rather low!
I do agree with Leggere though, in terms of working things through, whether staying together or moving on. Too much has happened for it to be that simple, and I know the deep impact bereavement can have, having lost my parents young, and DH’s father died suddenly after we lost our last child, on top of losing our close friends, in hindsight, we were swimming apart for quite a while. Yes he was a weak spineless toe rag for doing what he did, but I had to bring it back. And it wasn’t because I wanted him back for ME, it was for US..our family. If not being able to bear the prospect of a broken family is selfish on my part, then I can only see my children’s happiness and contentment, to know that was the right decision. To them, we are happy...as we are together.
It really is hard to portray the full picture in posts like this, and DH was certainly never like this before at work. He was kind and respectful to everyone, in fact that’s what I liked about him. He was certainly never some letch or womaniser. And he and this lady became close, because apparently, she listened to him. She became the friend & confidante I no longer was. I think it’s far too easy to look at affairs from an angry subjective, him & her perspective. But I truly believed it involved me too. So I had to look at it from that perspective. Not what happened..because I couldn’t change that. But WHY it happened..and how it all evolved. So that’s why I’m still here. And that’s why for a time, things were great.
If I had posted the question, without mentioning the affair, would the answers be different? But as it was, I have found myself rediscovering aspects of myself, that I had long forgotten, so sitting there on that sunny morning, with DH sat across from me, legs akimbo and belly on show..shovelling food in with the table manners of a pig...I just felt this wave of repulsion. And couldn’t help ponder if he had ever presented that display for her. Which of course he hadn’t.
It’s ok to slob around at home from time to time. I know that, heck we all do it! But now & again, it’s nice to make the effort. Not just for work, or going out..just the basics for staying in. But then it got me thinking, whether that makes me a nag. Do this, do that..do it for me! Only I don’t want to have to ask him to do these things. I want him to have the initiative to do them himself.
I take pride in my appearance..so why can’t he. The initiative thing is still a huge factor.
I will comment (nag?) on the weekend, that nothing ever gets done around the house. And his response is always the same, ‘well what do you want me to do?’ I just want him to take a look around our dilapidated house and have the initiative to see / decide what needs to be done, instead of me always being the one to have to ask! But that is how it is, with absolutely everything, appearance & hygiene included! I always have to ask, and hence, I am the nag.
I do think we need to assess what lies ahead, for both of us. I know that much, and thank you all for helping me get a better, albeit tougher, perspective.

My firm advice is

1. Decide to leave.

2. Get a lawyer.

3. Leave.

Thank you for that Fedups. I do apologise for calling you a nag, I think It's just different perspectives, really. Dh and I are both a bit lazy at home, luckily we're both the same so it works well It's so difficult though, isn't it, when you're at that stage of "should I stay or should I go?" For me, trying to decide was worse than the actual divorce! I wish you luck and future happiness, whichever you decide.

Sounds like depression and low self esteem. No one would blame you if you decided to call it a day after what you've been put through, but if you feel you want to try still, I wonder if there is a better way to approach him about these issues. Perhaps take his hand and tell him you love him and are worried about him. Suggest you are there to support him but he needs to get some help and see a doctor about his physical and mental health. However, give yourself 6 months or a year even, if in that time, he has not made any efforts to sort his life out and to work at your relationship, then review the situation again.

thankyou for keeping responding OP not often people do this especially wen so many varied(sometimes unkind) rescponses have pinged back to you.
I think to keep going to keep giving this a shot shows such strength.and do you think also it shows like you mentioned in some responses of your belief in your husband and you and him? you deserbie what others see in him and his really good qualities.so where has this gone between you and him and why?
and what next.is this worth just sitting him down and saying.enough.this is it.we either sit here and have this out.and something HAS TO CHANGE. or I leave.and even after having this talk/shout/blowout you see no changes or his attitude doesn't seem like he acknowledges a problem then at least you've done the very best and most yo ucan so then going forward things a starkingly clear on whether you can carry on.
if the answr is still for your family.i applaud this but also no....that so sad if its making you unhappy.it might have worked.but now you seem so unhappy.and this is even heightening behaviour both big and small. so you just cant stand any of it.
and it will spread.you wont be just unhappy here but feel the tiredness of it in all aspect of life.and you don't deserve that.
you deserve to be happy.you both do.
do you dcs know.any relatives know whats going on.would a child whos mum was this unhappy tell them to stay?
id hate for my mum,auntie etc to feel like you do.

If I were you I would try and break the inertia by thinking what he will be like in a year, two years, five? You will be five years down the road and things will likely be the same but you possibly will have missed five great years of a totally different life. If it was just the hygiene issue fair enough but it sounds like there is a fundamental disconnect. I would amicably separate and make a nicer life for myself. It might actually be good for him too.

Thank you leggere...and really, you have no need to apologise. There was no offence taken whatsoever. If I can question that of myself on a public forum, then surely everybody else can too! It is all constructive. And thank you for having taken the time to read & reply. Mumsnet can be such a lovely place sometimes

Hope you can find someone who deserves you OP. You certainly deserve more than this piglet.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you are able to work things out so that you end up in a better place

OP you say, if he cared what you thought, he would take some pride with his appearance. I don't think he does care about what you think. You say he cared about his appearance while seeing the young girl, he obviously doesn't see the point now. I think you know deep down, the marriage is over. What an awful existence for you, to be living with a man who couldn't give a shit about you. It must be dreadful, sharing a bed with someone who has such a low standard of hygiene.