To feel repulsed by DH sometimes..

[Fedups]

Feeling so down about this today..and DH has just stormed off refusing to speak, as he always does. I honestly need some perspective on this, so thank you for reading if you do.
DH has always had a problem with initiative, probably due to growing up with an overbearing controlling mother. He can be sweet & kind and loving, but often lacks such basic drive, it’s been like living with a child sometimes. 3 years ago, I discovered he had been having an affair with a young girl at work, and had been lying to me for 18 months. It tore our family apart, but I managed to keep things together, and for the sake of our young family, gave it another chance. For a time things were great, he seemed interested and motivated by us. And being with us. However, since then, his motivation for anything..has simply disappeared. He takes no interest in himself, has developed a huge paunch. Can’t stand up easily, or bend down to pick things up, because he has got that big.
He eats everything & anything, including tubs of clotted cream..’because he can’..and if I comment, he just eats more.
His dental hygiene has become appalling..which really hurts, as he always had a fresh bottle of lusterine on the go, when he was seeing this girl. His breath is sometimes so repulsive, I can smell it from feet away. But he says he doesn’t care.
As well as this, he has taken to not bothering to shower on the weekends..which I just don’t understand. He really cannot be bothered..and seemingly can’t be bothered about me, or what I think. This morning at breakfast, I could smell BO, and he claims he was simply too busy to shower yesterday. At home all day in the garden, on the hottest day of the year..but he was just too busy to shower.
I’ve finally snapped, and commented that he used to shower twice a day for this girl. In fact he used to make more of an effort with everything. Does he not see how it might seem to me? I look after myself. I am 50, and am slim and still considered young & pretty for my age. I feel like I am wasted on this man sometimes. I can’t feel anything towards somebody who has so much apathy towards themselves, or me!
I’ve tried not saying anything for months, to trying to talk about it gently and openly...but he never responds. He just makes some derogatory ‘yes dear’ comment..and walks away. I honestly don’t know what to do. But it is making me feel so lost & low.
Am I being unreasonable in wishing he would look after himself more? Or am I right to think that a man who truly cared what his partner thought, would take some pride in with his hygiene and his appearance.
I know this all might seem ridiculously over sensitive and inane, but thank you for reading

leggere your post is utterly ridiculous. Relaxing at home does not mean inflicting your wife and/or family with BO and Halitosis!

The OP doesn't sound like a nag, at all. She sounds like a fucking saint who has put up with a barrel load of shit from this horrible man.

If you are single and live alone, you can have as much BO and Halitosis as you like. If you do not live alone, then it is common decency not to smell a lot around everyone else. But then the freedom to smell a lot is not normally what most people think when they say 'relax'.

He showers every morning - just not at the weekend. He brushes his teeth every morning. More than most people in the UK.

"And it was only when she started making plans for ‘their future’ together, he realised he’d gone too far." So the affair only ended when he realised it had gone too far!

What struck me about that is that the affair ended when he was asked to make a commitment. That doesn't seem to be something he's very good at.

As for brushing your teeth and having a shower, they're hardly stressful activities, are they? If you're severely depressed you probably won't manage them. If you're moderately depressed you might find them helpful. I certainly find it easier to relax when I know I smell nice.

Leggere...your posts have actually made me laugh..so thank you for that. And I do appreciate your perspective. Because that’s exactly what had been bothering me. Whether I really was that bad a nag, as you say. But tbh, I honestly don’t think I have been that proverbial non stop nag. When I miscarried at 5 months, and was struggling with a sick young child (genetic condition), dh became distant and was travelling more than usual and going out more with friends at work. For about 16 months, I actually encouraged his new interest in his ‘friends’, and put so much effort into supporting him, and our family at home. I’m actually a very easy going person, one of the glass half full type of people, and we have definitely had a lot of fun. Having lost our last child, I guess I took a little dip in spirits for a while. Perhaps that was rather inconsiderate of me, but I’m certainly not the depressive kind, so that was really unusual for me.
Maybe that was the trigger, who knows. But then we lost two close friends under tragic circumstances, and things just never really recovered. That’s why I think there was definitely a depression of sorts at the time. And we had done so much to move on from his affair and start afresh, it certainly wasn’t a half thought decision.
As for mentioning his weekend showering habits etc..For quite a while, I didn’t mention it at all. Then it became a bit of a standing joke. Then it became a subtle question...and this weekend, it became an argument. Does that make me a nag? Perhaps so. But that is why I asked the question. Would it bother others, as much as it was starting to bother me...and particularly given the history as context.
Thanks for all your replies

I sometimes don't shower at the weekends. Once or twice a week I don't brush my teeth. Shoot me? But honestly, who knows whats going on in this relationship really, impossible to tell. I am amazed there are 8 pages of LTB. No idea what OP is looking for here. Thread hasn't moved on really.

Fedups - you've made Leggere feel rather important there

I’m not sure I was looking for anything nittynotty. Other than to wonder if it was unreasonable of me to be annoyed that DH didn’t always bother to shower at weekends, or care about his teeth and the fact he had developed a massive paunch. The fact he doesn’t seem to care about how he looks, and just doesn’t make any effort to be ‘romantic’ in any way. Or is this just an over sensitive reaction, on the back of this past affair. I guess that was really the question. How would others have felt. I’m not some shower obsessed freak, and in itself, it honestly doesn’t bother me. But it’s the principle around it. The surrounding apathy, that does.

Heck, I'm not a religious daily showerer but it's been one of those shower twice a day weekends. 3 days without one in this weather is grim.

Leggere sounds like the pub bore.

OMG, I've just had to come back out of sheer exasperation and indignation! OP has just poured her heart out and the subsequent posts are about how she's made me look! Or that I'm a bore! Ffs, who cares? Look at how rough OP has had it! God, I hate MN sometimes.

@nittynotty "He brushes his teeth every morning. More than most people in the UK." Where is the data on that?

"But honestly, who knows whats going on in this relationship really, impossible to tell. I am amazed there are 8 pages of LTB. No idea what OP is looking for here. Thread hasn't moved on really."

Honestly, we do know what is going on because we believe the OP. As per mumsnet guidelines. And if we did not believe her we would not bother posting. pages of us predominantly saying, your husband is taking the piss and you deserve more! I hope it is helpful to the OP*.

OP, sorry to hear all that, I really am. You been through all that and you're still together, that must mean something. I think you both need counselling, maybe even bereavement counselling? You now say you're not really that bothered about the showering, it's the principle? Your mind (and his) has such a lot to get over, it will all take time, but with help if you can access that?

OP I am so sorry to hear about your losses and difficulties. I am so sorry.

"Does that make me a nag? Perhaps so." Not at all. Sometimes I think 'Nag'' is what men say when they don't like what women say.

Alhough of course there is the other meaning... "n. "old horse," c.1400, nagge "small riding horse," of unknown origin, perhaps related to Dutch negge, neg (but these are more recent than the English word), perhaps related in either case to imitative neigh. Term of abuse is a transferred sense, first recorded 1590s.

I think your not so dear husband's use of the term nag just adds insult to injury, you are completely in the right here.

Bold mine.

Leggere- I’m sure Spudulika had a very steady life with you and Wayne

Someone just fell out the pub, methinks?

Fedups, I'm thinking now that showering, teeth, you questioning nagging, etc, are just symptoms from everything that's happened over the years, and there's been an awful lot. Maybe you're even both still grieving?

You can't fix him.

Do you think he might be doing this to punish you? Getting back at you because without you in the mix he could have just carried on with his girlfriend, but he's had to admit he's done wrong and stop, and that's all your fault.

What do you think he would do if you were to tell him that if he can't be bothered to keep himself clean then you can't be bothered to keep him as a husband? I'm not suggesting you do that, but what do you think his response would be? Do you think it would make any difference to his behaviour? Would he sulk or get angry but then actually start showering etc? Or would he sulk and get angry but carry on as he is?

I'd make it very clear I didn't want him to come near me, much less touch me while he was smelling.

If he was like this on a daily basis... I'd lean more towards depression... but he makes the choice when to be clean and when not to.

My DH also mowed the lawn yesterday...very hot weather and he was sweating. He went to shower when he was done.

There's no excuse not to brush your teeth in the morning. These are very basic self care tasks we learn as children.

No initiative?

Errm he took the initiative to get up and have an affair. It's you he's not bothered about. He must stink, and you're sat there with him after he massively disrespected you.

Yeah he probably is depressed but I highly doubt you're the one to make him pull himself together as he's not fussed about you.

Get a life without him. He's not happy with you, and you're not happy with him.

His dental hygiene has become appalling..which really hurts, as he always had a fresh bottle of lusterine on the go, when he was seeing this girl. His breath is sometimes so repulsive, I can smell it from feet away. But he says he doesn’t care.
As well as this, he has taken to not bothering to shower on the weekends..which I just don’t understand. He really cannot be bothered..and seemingly can’t be bothered about me, or what I think. This morning at breakfast, I could smell BO, and he claims he was simply too busy to shower yesterday. At home all day in the garden, on the hottest day of the year..but he was just too busy to shower.
I’ve finally snapped, and commented that he used to shower twice a day for this girl. In fact he used to make more of an effort with everything. Does he not see how it might seem to me? I look after myself. I am 50, and am slim and still considered young & pretty for my age. I feel like I am wasted on this man sometimes. I can’t feel anything towards somebody who has so much apathy towards themselves,or me!
I’ve tried not saying anything for months, to trying to talk about it gently and openly...but he never responds. He just makes some derogatory ‘yes dear’ comment..and walks away. I honestly don’t know what to do. But it is making me feel so lost & low.
Am I being unreasonable in wishing he would look after himself more? Or am I right to think that a man who truly cared what his partner thought, would take some pride in with his hygiene and his appearance.

The fact he doesn’t seem to care about how he looks, and just doesn’t make any effort to be ‘romantic’ in any way

Because that’s exactly what had been bothering me. Whether I really was that bad a nag,

OP. I hope you don't mind me copying and pasting some of the sentences that jumped out from your posts.

You don't really believe you were and are a nag. You already know that you aren't. You already know that your DH will practice self care for other people. You are wondering why he won't do the same for you. IMO you are really asking that despite, all you have been through together, despite forgiving him for an affair, despite having a wonderful young family, why your DH seems to have 'given up'. Nobody here can say whether he has 'checked out' of the marriage. Personally I know many people who slob around and gain weight when they are in relationships. Perhaps they are comfortable, they don't feel the need to impress anymore and it becomes a lifestyle. But if you look at the words you used in your posts 'it is making me feel lost and low', I think that regardless of why your DH has slipped into this routine, if you are unhappy enough to start feeling like this on a frequent basis, you have to look at what can be changed and accept your DH will, most likely, not be the person to change, which means it will have to be you.

That can either be simply putting up with him as he currently is or making the changes that affect your family. That is scary but living with someone you are in the process of developing contempt for is scarier.

You can't make it work by yourself and it sounds like he stayed when he didn't want to and now is exhibiting symptoms of depression. Let him go. He is not what you need.

His actions are speaking louder than words. I am sorry but I agree with others who said he has checked out of your marriage.

He could be depressed but on the other hand he could be playing a passive aggressive game where he wants you to end the marriage. Possibly to salve his conscience - he can then tell family and friends that you were the one who wanted the divorce, twisting the issue to favour him.

The only advice I have is to seek couples counselling as I think an outside opinion of his attitude may allow him to see you are not nagging.

He sounds depressed. Turn this around to being the female... Would the advice be the same. As for "tough shit, it's his problem, not yours". I think in this attitude we find part of the reason for for the campaigns around male suicide rates.

It does sound as if he's checked out of the marriage. There's No excuse for the adultery at all but that may be entirely separate to this.

Also there are always two sides to a story.

Btw... Not dismissing your feelings, OP. It sounds horrendous to deal with and I'd struggle to stay in that situation... Just found done of the advice you've given really harsh considering we only have your version of events.

You've been given**