To feel repulsed by DH sometimes..

[Fedups]

Feeling so down about this today..and DH has just stormed off refusing to speak, as he always does. I honestly need some perspective on this, so thank you for reading if you do.
DH has always had a problem with initiative, probably due to growing up with an overbearing controlling mother. He can be sweet & kind and loving, but often lacks such basic drive, it’s been like living with a child sometimes. 3 years ago, I discovered he had been having an affair with a young girl at work, and had been lying to me for 18 months. It tore our family apart, but I managed to keep things together, and for the sake of our young family, gave it another chance. For a time things were great, he seemed interested and motivated by us. And being with us. However, since then, his motivation for anything..has simply disappeared. He takes no interest in himself, has developed a huge paunch. Can’t stand up easily, or bend down to pick things up, because he has got that big.
He eats everything & anything, including tubs of clotted cream..’because he can’..and if I comment, he just eats more.
His dental hygiene has become appalling..which really hurts, as he always had a fresh bottle of lusterine on the go, when he was seeing this girl. His breath is sometimes so repulsive, I can smell it from feet away. But he says he doesn’t care.
As well as this, he has taken to not bothering to shower on the weekends..which I just don’t understand. He really cannot be bothered..and seemingly can’t be bothered about me, or what I think. This morning at breakfast, I could smell BO, and he claims he was simply too busy to shower yesterday. At home all day in the garden, on the hottest day of the year..but he was just too busy to shower.
I’ve finally snapped, and commented that he used to shower twice a day for this girl. In fact he used to make more of an effort with everything. Does he not see how it might seem to me? I look after myself. I am 50, and am slim and still considered young & pretty for my age. I feel like I am wasted on this man sometimes. I can’t feel anything towards somebody who has so much apathy towards themselves, or me!
I’ve tried not saying anything for months, to trying to talk about it gently and openly...but he never responds. He just makes some derogatory ‘yes dear’ comment..and walks away. I honestly don’t know what to do. But it is making me feel so lost & low.
Am I being unreasonable in wishing he would look after himself more? Or am I right to think that a man who truly cared what his partner thought, would take some pride in with his hygiene and his appearance.
I know this all might seem ridiculously over sensitive and inane, but thank you for reading

I think he is punishing you.

It's not a fight I would consider worth entering into.

All you can do is accept his behaviour or move on.

Funnily enough, if you just ignore him and let him wallow in his own stink he is more likely to change. If you tell him the relationship isn't working for you any more and you want to start the separation process he might just discover the soap and toothpaste.

But for me it would all be too little too late. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, hell it sounds like he doesn't even like you.

You would be happier on your own.

The fact that he bothers in the week for work does make it seem less likely to have depression as the root cause. Sadly it does sound as though he just doesn't care enough about you to bother. If you can face it maybe time to give him an ultimatum, improve or he will have to move out because it is unbearable for you, but only if you can stick to it.

He’s not depressed he’s an arse hole. Yeuk!! Get advice and kick him out

I think if these things were there and he was still the loving or many your married who you can talk to lauh with and have "a marriage" with then you would first be able to tell him the body issues and youd work through it together or youd partly ignore it more and want to.
but it sounds like all else has gone to and dare I say...you don't love him anymore.
ive heard of partners with some issue likes this but there partners still talk and chat and have are a couple.and they partners are more scared stiff of how to tell them without hurting there feelings because they love them so much.yet this seems different and is just another thing that is just no right in your marriage.
and when you said you kept it together.you shouldn't have to.you should want to stay with a man you love.it sounds like so much borke away when he did this.

He's got his comfy slippers on and he's not going to change. He's a slob and has no respect for you. Get the wheels in motion and do yourself a favour and end the marriage. 'They' say life begins at 50, so start living yours. Look after your own wants and needs and let him fend for himself, he's an adult too.

Maybe he's trying to repel you . certainly sounds as if its working !
As a matter of interest what do visiting family and friends say (or the kids for that matter), does nobody else mention it ?

He just sounds so very, very unattractive.

Is he a really high earner or something? I mean, why is it that you have been so keen to keep him around?

Your house would smell better without him.

He sounds incredibly angry with you and in his rage, he’s wrecking his health and his body. Yes, perhaps he initially thought he’d like to work on the marriage but a year or so down the line, it looks as though he's realised he doesn’t want to play doting husband anymore and wanted his naughty adventure back. For all you know, he may have tried to rekindle the affair and she refused. In any case, he wants out of the marriage as it currently stands. He either wants it to go back to how it was before, little wifey at home and bit of fluff on the side or he wants altogether out.

Obviously none of this is your fault. He should be angry with himself. He’s a manchild and too weak and scared to end the relationship. Time to do it yourself.

Yes tyou are too good for him. Why are you wasting any more time?

Gosh, I’m overwhelmed by all your responses. Thank you for taking the time to even read. And I honestly didn’t expect such a definitive opinion on this. I guess it’s hard to covey every aspect of a situation like this, especially when the ‘issue’ is so unanimously obviously unpleasant.
I honestly do feel there is perhaps some element of depression, and have often thought there may even be an autistic or other adult behavioural spectrum involved. He can be so kind and caring, the kids adore him and my friends and family love him, and even they seem to have put the affair long behind them, as they all think he is wonderful. That’s what is difficult about this. He sometimes tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, and has and does make occasional advances, but lately I just can’t get past this apathy. And sadly, the longer this stand off goes on, the worse this apathy has become. It’s as if he needs ‘me’ to be the initiative.
Somehow, me telling him to shower, is just another example of my nagging behaviour.
He has come home, and showered, because ‘I wanted him to’. When I asked why he wouldn’t have the initiative or need to do this himself...he just repeats how busy he is..doing thinks I have asked him to do!
Like a petulant child throwing a strop.
Fair enough, on colder weekends, it’s not so much of an issue. But he can’t see why the simple act of showering oneself each day, is more than just about hygiene. It’s a physcological act of being prepared for the day, (or night!) having pride in yourself and putting your fresh foot forward! But he laughs at that comparison, and thinks it’s batty. And the fact that he showers for work, but not for home...well that’s just ridiculous apparently. And he says that’s just about him being relaxed.
As for the teeth issue, of course he does brush his teeth in the morning, but by the time he’s had a few coffees, BLTs and whatnot....it reeks come night time. I think it is partly because his teeth need some serious overdue attention (he thinks flossing is a mythical waste of time) so I booked him a dental hygienist as he hasn’t been to a dentist in well over ten years...but he cancelled the appointment. Because he’s too busy.
As for getting fit, again he simply never has the time. And says the more I nag, the less inclined he is. Yet when I didn’t mention it for over a year...it made not a jot of difference. I’ve asked him how he would feel if I had let myself go, and developed a huge paunch and did nothing to change it, and he said ‘he’d be happy with however I wanted to be’. In other words, I should just back off. Perhaps it does come across as I am being ‘controlling’, but these things matter to me. It’s a frame of mind, a zest for life and being loved, surely that’s not too much to ask of your partner. Whether they have strayed or not. I know it all seems such a sorry state of affairs, but yes somewhere behind that untended exterior, I love the man I married. I love the family we have, and I’m an eternal optimist. Desperate to find a way, to turn this apathetic attitude around.
Thank you for all your comments

You can't fix someone else.
You can't change someone else.
You can't make someone else be someone else.

The man you married left a long time ago, by the sounds of it.

I'm sorry, OP.

But he's telling you he isn't interested in you or your marriage or your life together. He doesn't want to change. He doesn't want to sort himself out. And you can't do it for him or make him want to.

You love the man you married. That’s not the man you’ve got. He won’t be that man ever again. Why? Because he doesn’t want to be.

I experienced this with my XH who had no basic drive, or at least drive that he could access from inside himself. He is now much happier - and full of drive, it seems - with a woman who had a compelling hobby which they have now turned into a business. Ex has lost about a third of his body weight and turned his life around. I have many issues with him but there is no doubt that he is much happier now.

I am sorry if this is hard to hear - it was jolly hard to go through realising it and the whole breakup. He said later (after counselling) that it was like the weight gain was him almost waiting to die. Your DH does not even have the mental fortitude to choose to leave on his own - my ex also waited for many years for me to throw him out, inflicting such damage in the process I really thought I couldn't recover.

I held on, desperately trying to make the marriage work. I tried everything. There came a point where I realised it was dead in the water (if I'm honest this was not one point but many, many points - but that's another story). What still makes me angry - after acceptance of everything else - is that if my ex had been honest from the beginning, I would have known much sooner that it was unsalvageable, I would have had more time while I was younger to re-set my life without him. But he was simply too cowardly to say what he needed to say or do what he needed to do...I was his safety, that he didn't want to need, and he hated me for it even while he couldn't leave. It was hideous.

I am afraid that I agree entirely with juneau -
^"The bottom line is that you cannot make this marriage work, or your DH a desirable and clean human being, merely by your own force of will. You sound determined to do so and convinced that it is possible, but it really does take two committed people to make a marriage work and all the signs are that your DH no longer gives a shiny shite. ... You're standing there stubbornly, but who is benefiting from your stance?...
I would advise you to go and see two people:

1. a marital therapist - on your own - to talk about the state of your marriage; and
2. a solicitor to chat through your options. Yes, you have reached this point, before you ask."^

I'm so sorry. When I was at your point I just couldn't imagine how I'd got there or how I'd go on from there. But I also want to tell you that, at my very lowest moments these days, I know I am nowhere near as unhappy as I was with him when he was so unhappy. And most of my days are so much brighter, happier, clearer, and more positive than anything I could have dreamed of when I was with my ex. It's as if, even if I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy in a sunlit-filled room with the curtains open and clean surfaces, not one of those hovels you see in the hoarder programmes. I can't tell you what to do at all, but you have my thoughts (MN was a proper lifeline for me, I can't begin to say how much) and I wish you well.

His reasons don't really matter. What is important here is that he is not prepared to listen to you.

Let him loose. He doesn't love you. If anything he loathes you. He's showing you that contempt in how he presents himself.

Regardless of the shit situation and how it affected you, the affair was probably his only bit of joy and kept him going.

He will never change again for you. He (more than likely wrongly) apparently blames you for most of it.

Cut him loose. Start a new life and find a younger or better model yourself

Wow there's a lot of people on here calling for this guy's head on a spike, for not brushing his teeth. The affair was wrong, but many of the posters on here seem to be conflating that with the heinous crime of not paying attention to personal hygiene.

If he'd never paid attention to personal hygiene that might be a valid point.

It's what it now represents.

Not the point Orphan. Point is that he is happy to take care of his personal hygiene for the other woman and his boss, but he cannot be arsed for his own wife.

If he doesn’t change what will you do?

@hareinthemoon

my ex also waited for many years for me to throw him out, inflicting such damage in the process I really thought I couldn't recover.

I could have written every word of your post, including the point about the years wasted trying to fix the un-fixable. I regret the ten years I spent trying to understand and support, when I should have just asked "What's in this for me?" and realised "Nothing".

Get yourself some self respect love.

What would you advise your adult daughter to do if she was with such a prize cunt?

I really feel for you but it seems like it is time to stop flogging the dead horse that is your marriage....just imagine how much you will regret it if you are still with him in 10 years time

He's punishing you. Deliberately giving you the worst of himself because that's what he thinks you deserve. Punishing you for what, I don't know - being happy to stay married? Being a better person for forgiving him the affair? Whatever, it's awful behaviour and I think you would be happier without him.

Maybe he’s spinning a line about being the one who ended the affair and this is the consequence

He's showing exactly how little respect he has for you OP. He showers for work but not for you, he can maintain a good relationship with others but not even try with you. Listen to him and decide if it's enough for you.

I find it rather annoying when other people decide they've gotten over the affair...and that you should be over it.

They aren't the ones who were betrayed. They don't live in your marriage.

It sounds like you're making excuses for him. Whether he is autistic or has any other issue is irrelevant... because he knows that he should shower and be clean. ... he does it everyday for work.

It didn't stop him getting a young lady to be his bit on the side.

If people think he's fabulous.... it's the side he wants them to see. You know what he's capable of.