To feel repulsed by DH sometimes..

[Fedups]

Feeling so down about this today..and DH has just stormed off refusing to speak, as he always does. I honestly need some perspective on this, so thank you for reading if you do.
DH has always had a problem with initiative, probably due to growing up with an overbearing controlling mother. He can be sweet & kind and loving, but often lacks such basic drive, it’s been like living with a child sometimes. 3 years ago, I discovered he had been having an affair with a young girl at work, and had been lying to me for 18 months. It tore our family apart, but I managed to keep things together, and for the sake of our young family, gave it another chance. For a time things were great, he seemed interested and motivated by us. And being with us. However, since then, his motivation for anything..has simply disappeared. He takes no interest in himself, has developed a huge paunch. Can’t stand up easily, or bend down to pick things up, because he has got that big.
He eats everything & anything, including tubs of clotted cream..’because he can’..and if I comment, he just eats more.
His dental hygiene has become appalling..which really hurts, as he always had a fresh bottle of lusterine on the go, when he was seeing this girl. His breath is sometimes so repulsive, I can smell it from feet away. But he says he doesn’t care.
As well as this, he has taken to not bothering to shower on the weekends..which I just don’t understand. He really cannot be bothered..and seemingly can’t be bothered about me, or what I think. This morning at breakfast, I could smell BO, and he claims he was simply too busy to shower yesterday. At home all day in the garden, on the hottest day of the year..but he was just too busy to shower.
I’ve finally snapped, and commented that he used to shower twice a day for this girl. In fact he used to make more of an effort with everything. Does he not see how it might seem to me? I look after myself. I am 50, and am slim and still considered young & pretty for my age. I feel like I am wasted on this man sometimes. I can’t feel anything towards somebody who has so much apathy towards themselves, or me!
I’ve tried not saying anything for months, to trying to talk about it gently and openly...but he never responds. He just makes some derogatory ‘yes dear’ comment..and walks away. I honestly don’t know what to do. But it is making me feel so lost & low.
Am I being unreasonable in wishing he would look after himself more? Or am I right to think that a man who truly cared what his partner thought, would take some pride in with his hygiene and his appearance.
I know this all might seem ridiculously over sensitive and inane, but thank you for reading

I feel awful for you.

Life will be a million times better without him.

I just love how it’s all his mother’s fault he has had a shitty entitled personality.

Like others said, it takes initiative to maintain an affair and lie about it for 18 months.

OP, have a consult with a divorce lawyer. Make sure you have evidence of all financial accounts and have secured your assists before letting him know.

Check out chumplady.com she has a great article about how cheaters have only three channels: charm, rage and self-pity and will flip between them in an instant to get what they want.
Sounds like yours defaults to self pity, but don’t be surprised when if you try to end things he starts trying to charm and rage you back to the status quo.

You definitely deserve better. It would be better to be single that with Mr stinky halitosis. But be smart and don’t tip your hand while you work out what to do.

leave him - sounds like he checked out a long time ago - do you even love him? Are you simply with him for the children. How gross for them too...

You deserve better!

He sounds totally depressed and fed up with everything and that's why he isn't bothering. You need to decide whether or not you want to try and improve things or whether just to call it a day. But even you trying might not work as changes have to come from him and he needs to want to change.

It never ceases to amaze me what some women are willing to put up with.

He's a greedy, lazy stinker with breath so bad you can smell it from feet away, who has cheated on you, and has absolutely no regard for you or your feelings. He won't talk to you, doesn't listen to you, has complete disregard for how his selfish, disgusting behaviour affects your quality of life.

If he was my husband his stinking fat arse would be flying out of the door on the end of my boot.

And yet here you are trying to find ways to 'help' him while not wishing to 'hurt his feelings' and so on. Who cares why he's doing it? Who cares if he's depressed or if he's some elaborate ploy to get you to divorce him?

You're a 50 year old woman - who looks good and keeps herself in good shape (according to you). You are obviously a very caring, kind and forgiving person as evidenced by this thread.

That already makes you 100 times too good for him in my book. Get rid of the selfish cheating fucker .... and start living a life for YOU.

The overwhelming consensus (and you can add me to that too) is that you should leave him. But you have only really addressed the possible "depression" point, which I think you should be annoyed by as it seems it only started when you ruined his extra-marital fun?

Don't be the type of person who rots in a miserable marriage and just pops onto a forum to vent when it all starts to feel too much. An alarming factor here is also that when it does start to get himself together, it's probably because he's found another new friend. When he starts brushing his teeth and eating lean chicken, you start getting your ducks in a row - quickly!

Very rarely have I read a thread where everyone agrees!!! There’s nothing I can add to what’s already been said....you can do so much better.....I bet the only thing he could “ pull” these days would be a muscle !!!! All the best OP XX

So he made an effort for his OW. He makes effort when going to work.

It's just you and the family he can't be bothered with.

Is he out of the marriage in afraid. It seems you rugswept the affair and he didn't face any consequences. In fact he wasn't even remorseful.

I hate bad breath and would not be able to sleep in.tje same bed as him stinking like that.

What a poor example of a father he's being.

You're clearly determined to make this marriage work OP, as you haven't reacted at all to most of the posters who have said the same thing i.e. that he checked out of your marriage back when he had the affair and while he may have given up his younger lover and returned to you, it sounds like mentally he left long ago.

The bottom line is that you cannot make this marriage work, or your DH a desirable and clean human being, merely by your own force of will. You sound determined to do so and convinced that it is possible, but it really does take two committed people to make a marriage work and all the signs are that your DH no longer gives a shiny shite. From his provocative behaviour (and I would say that not showering for 3 days on the hottest weekend of the year, gaining a large amount of weight without seeming to care about it, and having rank breath that you can smell from across the room is highly provocative), I would say that he's doing all he can to drive you away. You're standing there stubbornly, but who is benefiting from your stance? He sounds miserable, as do you and I suggest you give some thought as to how much longer you plan to keep this up, because it sounds like hell for you both.

While you're mulling it over I would advise you to go and see two people:

1. a marital therapist - on your own - to talk about the state of your marriage; and
2. a solicitor to chat through your options. Yes, you have reached this point, before you ask.

Ultimately, you need to stop sticking your head in the sand and face what your life has become. This probably isn't salvageable. You need to accept that.

What do you think would happen to his smelly arse if the old girlfriend got in touch and wanted to meet up with him? New clothes, hair and teeth sorted out licketysplit, sudden gym membership, sudden diet. Next time you start feeling sorry for him picture that.

I am recently extricating myself from a long marriage with a person who takes such little initiative it is like living with a child. It is soul destroying. If they wont stay in any adult state you cannot have a relationship with them. (they wont take any responsibility, you are a 'nag' etc). Its just rubbish.

I think he enjoyed the affair. then it went wrong. now he is depressed.
but also that he will never treat you with respect again unless you LTB and he might become a distant friend in due course.

It does sound like contempt, and anything you say will make him worse

How old are your dc?

He sounds depressed.

@jainaproudm

He sounds depressed.

He sounds vindictive

Agreed with others. I experienced this with the end of a LTR. There was some depression involved but it never extended to personal hygiene until he didn't want to move our relationship in a new direction we apparently had chosen together but chose not to share that information with me.

I hung on for a while because he wouldn't admit he was being passive aggressive - oh and the making an effort for other things/people was also present - but in the end, I took the plunge and ended it. Queue much wringing of hands and 'I can't live without you's'. Was all bollocks, he just wanted to make me the bad guy.

Some people just can't end a relationship so will behave worse and worse to force you into doing it. Sounds like this is the case for you since he doesn't lack for initiative when it comes to work or screwing other women.

You deserve way better than this!

My husband also does not like to be told when to shower and if we didn’t have small children he’d be sitting g in an old t shirt and pants Unshowered on this beautiful day. I think it can be quite controlling in a way this “
I’ll shower when I want“ eat what I want “ thing. I think in marriage you owe it to the other to try to be appealing to them. I think he wants you to end it too, I’m sorry. I would stop asking him to do anything about it and try to be as indifferent as you can and take excellent care of yourself op.

The filth.
The affair.
The BLAMING YOU (FFS)

You're done. Sorry OP.

You don’t want to accept that he’s no longer invested in this relationship. You deserve way better, you’re only young, why would you want to live like this? I’m sorry but you need to show him the door, and help him on his way by packing his bag. Don’t bother with the toiletries he won’t need them, just his clothing. The affair would have been a deal breaker for me, where is your self respect.

He is NOT depressed. He managed to wash himself for everyone other than his wife

*manages

Dies he try to "be intimate" with you? The thought of sharing a bed with him is repulsive

Agree with PP who have said he's behaving badly so you'll end it, but he gets to be the good guy. "Oh she nagged and nagged and then finally she dumped me, oh poor me".

He could be depressed, it's hard to say without being clinically qualified and having more information. But being depressed and being a wanker are not mutually exclusive and it's fairly easy to say he's a wanker.

How old are the kids now?

Think of the life you COULD have

Think of the freedom you could have

Think of the fun you could have!

Make your plans

He's already left the marriage in his mind; he just wants you to be the bad guy and formally end it.

He's done. He sounds repulsive and gross. If he has depression, well, frankly, he lost my sympathy with the affair and then acting like an utter slobbish pig around you deliberately and sunk himself into it.

Sounds like you would be well rid, unless you want to be the future carer to an ungrateful fat lump of smelly man who treats you with open hostility and disdain.

Life is too short.

Agree that he’s checked out of your marriage and is trying to get you to end it, then he can get the sympathy from friends and family.

If you move to divorce now, you can still cite his adultery. That will put the reason for the split firmly at his feet. And you’ll be able to say honestly to your DCs that you did your best to keep the family together but couldn’t do it on your own.