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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's really hard to work out if you want children?

65 replies

Tmtiger · 06/05/2018 22:54

I'm 31. Married a year. Financially comfortable for the two of us. I have no idea how that translates for three. We keep getting asking the question. And I just think people who want children feel differently that I do. Or do They?

I worry about if my husband and I could maintain the friendship/sexual side to our relationship. I worry I am not patient. I worry I am selfish and self serving. I love our holidays and would miss them. I love dinners out. I love sitting down at 8pm with a home cooked dinner and a nice glass of mine.

I don't think I like children. I like peace and quiet. I worry how I would cope with sleep deprevation. I don't look at children and think 'I want that'

What are your thoughts? How did pre child you feel about the situation?

OP posts:

peachypetite · 06/05/2018 22:55

Sounds like you don't want them, or at least not right now anyway!

HateTheDF · 06/05/2018 22:55

@Tmtiger I'm 30 this year and I'm having the same feelings. I thought I would want children right now but I feel very selfish because I like the freedom and being able to do what I want.

Sorry I don't have an answer but you're definitely not alone.

NoMudNoLotus · 06/05/2018 22:56

It sounds as though children arent for you.

Thats not a bad thing- too many people have children when they really shouldnt imo.

Isadora666 · 06/05/2018 22:58

I just always knew i did, no particular logical reason.

Sounds like you don't, which is fine! Too many bad parents about.

SimonBridges · 06/05/2018 22:59

I kind of had the choice made for me through infertility but I now honestly think it was the best way.
I know there is a lot to be gained by having children but it really isn’t all there is to life.
And don’t listen to all the guff about childfree adults finding fulfilment in other ways. Mainly I sit on my arse and eat crisps.

Fruitcorner123 · 06/05/2018 22:59

Well you've only been married a year so are still in the honeymoon period. I think you don't sound ready now but do you want it to be just the two of you on your holidays and going out for meals in ten years or in twenty? The phase where going out is hard doesn't have to last for very long and you can use babysitters if you are financially ok as for holidays we have great holidays with our kids but it depends on how you feel.

peace and quiet will be long gone though and you won't be getting it back for some years

we can't make the decision for you but I would suggest that you revisit the idea in another year. Not liking other people kids doesn't reply matter you will like your own!

Flaskfan · 06/05/2018 23:02

I didn't want dc. But I'd rather regret doing stuff than not. We are poorer, angrier and more tired. I.look.knackered. I have so many more worries. But my life is more full: kids, New friends, days out. I miss having time, but everything else is better really. And now they're older, I have more of a social life than before.

corythatwas · 06/05/2018 23:03

It doesn't sound as if you really want them.

But I don't think you can look at one person who wanted them and say "that's what it has to look like", either; people are all different.

As for me, I did know for a long time that I wanted them, I had enjoyed my own busy childhood with 3 siblings, I had enough experience of nephews and nieces to know that I was patient and I did enjoy being around little people; as for holidays and things, I assumed those could still be going ahead, as they had done for my parents.

Flaskfan · 06/05/2018 23:04

And I.Didn't lose my figure, my boobs came back and natural births didn't do any harm. That's the shallow bit.

Fatted · 06/05/2018 23:06

I think it's a matter of looking at the pros and cons. Having kids can be a bit shit at times frankly. You do have less money, sleep, time to yourself and all the other negatives you've rightly identified.

But at the same time (sounds such a cliché but true!) there's loads of positives you don't even really think about before having kids and they are lots of fun really too. With money and relationships you kind of adapt and wing it as you go. You get more of your old life back as the kids get older. Thankfully I had two long sleepers so the sleep came back quickly.

Being a mum is the most challenging thing I've ever done but it is the most rewarding and it's really been the making of me. I'm a much more confident person because of everything I've physically and mentally been through having kids. I don't think anyone every really truly feels ready for kids and even the people who say they are will have a culture shock. The fact that you're weighing things up before making such a life changing decision shows you're likely to be a responsible parent.

Lifeaback · 06/05/2018 23:07

IME if you want children you know. It's a pretty strong feeling. It sounds like you don't want children right now, and that's okay.

Please don't have a child just because it's the 'expected' next step!

DesignedForLife · 06/05/2018 23:08

Enjoy your freedom. You've got plenty of time to change your mind. Go on a nice holiday and enjoy being able to do whatever you like. I really miss that.

Gillian1980 · 06/05/2018 23:13

I just felt an overwhelming desire, so strong that I felt as though my life would be incomplete if I didn’t have any. It was in the pit of my stomach and was an almost physical yearning.

gamerwidow · 06/05/2018 23:14

You don't sound like you want children and that's ok!
Starting a family is not something you can do half heartedly, it's bloody hard work and you have to give up so much that you have to be sure it's the life you want.
You've got time to change your mind and if you do decide you want kids you'll know. You may never change your mind and that's no problem either. Kids are not the only thing in life you can be perfectly happy without them.

Gah81 · 06/05/2018 23:14

You're absolutely right to think this through. Don't be afraid to fully consider the question and, if you decide that having children isn't for you, to go against what is still pretty much a social norm.

I know two people who felt a bit pressured into having children because that was 'what was expected' after marriage and they are full of resentment/bitterness (though I am sure they love their children) which is sad to see. One of them quite openly describes her kids as 'the weights around my neck', amongst other things.

FWIW I am about your age and not sure I want kids. Now that I am newly married though, it is all anyone can ask/assume! I usually tell them the truth - that am thinking I probably don't want them - and get the usual barrage of "you will change your mind!". I may, I may not. Time will tell.

SaucyJack · 06/05/2018 23:15

Have you got friends that have had kids recently?

Go and hold a newborn, and you'll know if you want one of your own or not. There's no mistaking broodiness IME.

And if you don't, that's cool. Kids are hard enough work when you actually want one of the little horrors. Don't force yourself. It isn't fair on you or the kid.

Shrodingerslion · 06/05/2018 23:20

I have one dd with my ex. Love her but I don’t want to start again with my boyfriend and have another for the reasons you state in op. It is bloody hard work. Pros and cons to everything.

Shrodingerslion · 06/05/2018 23:21

Go and hold a newborn, and you'll know if you want one of your own or not. There's no mistaking broodiness IME.

Agree. I find babies boring. I prefer teenagers.

Flaskfan · 06/05/2018 23:21

I really wasn't broody when I had dc1. I just had 30 was my target age. Being broody and ttc with d 2 was awful. Much easier when I was ambivalent. I didn't really look.at it as having a baby, but creating a person that's a massive responsibility and we get it wrong a lot.

Rachiie · 06/05/2018 23:25

Personally, I always just knew I wanted children. There was never a set moment that I decided, it's something I've just always known.
In terms of knowing when I wanted them, after I met my fiance i realised pretty quickly that I wanted children with him. We discussed it, checked our finances and made sure we would be able to afford a child, and that was it really. Both of us knew we wanted children, we knew we wanted them together, and we knew time and money etc allowed it so we did it.
(Best thing I ever did imo, dc is worth every second. However, if it isn't something you want that isn't a bad thing, some people don't want children and that isn't a problem at all. If you're not sure, I'd probably wait as although it's brilliant it's also the hardest job ever)

elQuintoConyo · 06/05/2018 23:31

We were ambivalent at your age. We got together at 23, married at 35. We thought 'well, we could try for one...' and DS arrived at 36.

We had done a lot of travelling (now living in our 4th country) and been reckless with fab nights out, weekend breaks on the spur of the moment, cinema 5x a week etc.

I am so not maternal. We stopped at one. I do not regret DS for one moment, but heave a ginormous sigh of relief that i won't have to do it again (great pregnancy, shit birth, angry baby for 6 months, post-birth problems for me for 5 years).

You are young and have plenty of time to mull things over. If anyone asks, just a light and breezey 'not yet' and change the subject.

Btw holding a newborn does absolutely nothing for me, zilch. Puppies on the other hand...

LampHat · 06/05/2018 23:32

SimonBridges - surely that is fulfilment?!

BertieBotts · 06/05/2018 23:32

I agree it doesn't sound like you want them!

I have always wanted children. I never questioned if I would have them. I did look at children or families and think "I want that" (I still do, as we only have one, big one, and I wanted more).

I am not particularly bothered by sleep deprivation. A home cooked meal and wine at 8pm is fine, so are holidays, but not as appealing to me as the family life, seeing the DC interact, toddlers, family holidays, watching these new people develop and grow and seeing what their similarities and differences are.

I probably could stand to be more patient and less self serving but eh, I don't think it's going too badly.

You don't have to have kids just because other people expect it. Then again if you did decide to you have a few years yet. I would enjoy what you have now and wait and see how you feel, maybe? Also worth noting: A single child is completely different to having "children". You whizz through the more full on stages (I'm sure it doesn't feel it at the time, but it doesn't drag like it would with 3+), it's easier and cheaper to find babysitters, you'll find it fairly easy to accommodate a child into your current lifestyle, spontaneity, going away, etc. Logistically it's not as much of a hassle. The child ends up fairly accustomed to adult company rather than the adults getting so accustomed to child-friendly stuff. It's a different lifestyle, IME, but not always thought about in these terms.

Foxanddana · 06/05/2018 23:34

I’ve never really wanted a child! I just never really thought much about it. I mean, I imagined my ‘grown up’ life would involve children but I certainly didn’t have a yearning for them. Anyway, I’m the same age as you, married with 3 small dc. With each pregnancy I never really wanted a new baby that much. I did it just because it seemed like what I should be doing (or something like that). But. I just fell love with each child. Just so so much. I love being with them, playing with them, reading to them and having adventures with them.
You don’t know how you’ll feel if you have a baby. There’s every chance it could be the best thing you ever do. You haven’t yet experienced what it’s like to love your child and share that with your DH, so you don’t know yet if you would prefer your current life.
Fwiw, we still have amazing holidays to gorgeous places (some without the children!), and we still sit down to dinner at 8 with a glass of wine. (Children in bed). We still have peace and quiet when little one is napping and big ones and playing endless Barbies together upstairs. Our physical stuff and friendship is the strongest it’s ever been, partly due to all we’ve been through and shared together. Oh, and I’m rarely patient!

Haggisfish · 06/05/2018 23:38

Yanbu. It’s bloody hard to think about. I always thought I wanted children but then actually making the decision to try was really hard! I have loved it but only because we have a fab support network around us and always have. If I had not had that, or was miles away from anyone I knew, I’m not sure it would be so good. It took me about two years after birth to get back to ‘normal’ in terms of feeling comfortable to leave dc with my mum or mil for a weekend.

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