To think it's really hard to work out if you want children?

[Tmtiger]

I'm 31. Married a year. Financially comfortable for the two of us. I have no idea how that translates for three. We keep getting asking the question. And I just think people who want children feel differently that I do. Or do They?

I worry about if my husband and I could maintain the friendship/sexual side to our relationship. I worry I am not patient. I worry I am selfish and self serving. I love our holidays and would miss them. I love dinners out. I love sitting down at 8pm with a home cooked dinner and a nice glass of mine.

I don't think I like children. I like peace and quiet. I worry how I would cope with sleep deprevation. I don't look at children and think 'I want that'

What are your thoughts? How did pre child you feel about the situation?

I remember when we were ttcing my dh asking me why we wanted this.
It’s really hard to put into words and the longer we thought the harder it was to reason.
I had that yearning. I had that physical ache. My arms felt empty.
But that has now gone. Sometimes I feel a little sad that there are things I won’t share with a child but not that often.

I was 30 when I got pregnant for the first time, but I always knew I wanted children, from when I was much younger than that.

Maybe you don't want children. That's fine - I think too many people have children without really thinking it through.

I have a ten week old son so very new to Mumlife. Husband and I are both 30 and have been married six years this year, I don't particularly like children, and have never felt 'broody' even when pregnant my Mum would constantly coo at babies when out and about and they did nothing for me whatsoever. I also worried about how much we enjoy holidays and missing out on such things however my son is the best little thing ever. I adore him, and am loving being a Mum, I still don't particularly like other people's children and I've had a baby not a lobotomy so I still plan to return to work in October. We go for meals out every week still, I have managed to have my hair done and am back to getting my nails done fortnightly he just comes along with me. It's a massive change to your life however it doesn't have to mean you stop doing everything you enjoy.

Honestly if you aren’t sure then you don’t want them, not yet at least. Wanting kids isn’t usually a logical decision, it’s something more, it’s inexplicable- and plus, plenty of people are perfectly happy without them anyway, don’t force yourself.

Being childfree is a perfectly valid choice, childfree women are pestered at every turn, yet have put more thought into it than a lot of people who choose to add to the population. Being childfree is absolutely not selfish, quite the opposite. And having a kid is not ‘starting a family’, your family is who you choose to have in your life, a married couple are legally a family.

yet have put more thought into it than a lot of people who choose to add to the population.

Exactly. For many people they think about starting a family and then within 6 months they are pregnant. For us we thought about it and 7 years later decided it really wasn’t worth it.
This isn’t to say that having a baby is a thoughtless decision just that we had a lot longer to think about it than others.

Pre-children I felt like you do OP. I had one because my DH suggested it when I was 33. Then I had two more. They are the best thing ever, which has come as a huge surprise to me.

I agree that it doesn't sound as though you want them. For me it was a desperate need that consumed me until the moment I found out I was pregnant.

You sound like me. We've decided not to have kids. I think I would regret it and that wouldn't be fair on any child.

It's taken more to get my head around societal expectations and pressure to be honest- but I can't make myself want something I don't.

I married DH at 25 and waited years for that maternal urge/broodiness to set in but it didn't. I don't get funny over newborns or other people's children in general. I suppose we both thought we'd have a family "one day" but it never felt like the right time and I had all the same fears about being too selfish, not having any money etc. Eventually we decided to try and it was much harder to get pregnant than expected, which kind of focuses the mind. After a 10-year journey (and 8 pregnancies) we now have two children and it is crazy and hard but does also bring a new richness to our lives and we appreciate them every day. I have never regretted it for a moment despite all the pain along the way.

I know a lot of people here think you have to feel that urge but that wasn't the case for me and my only regret is waiting for it to arrive. If you think despite your reservations that you do want children in your future don't leave it indefinitely. But don't base that judgement on whether you want someone else's children!

I agree, someone else's children are nothing like your own.

I wanted children but we weren't successful so in our mid forties we are child free.

I can honestly say I think it was the right thing for us. DH and I are like two peas in a pod. We love peace and quiet and enjoy 'down time'. DH always moans if we get a noisy baby or toddler in a cafe or restaurant. I think he would have been very grumpy if we'd had to cope with that or friends' children.

We love animals and plan on getting a few more in the years to come.

If you're not sure then leave it for now. You don't need to make a decision right now.

Having a child must be something you really want to do. Don't do it because everyone else is, or you feel you should. There us such freedom in a child-free life that you can't appreciate pre-kids.

My realisation was when the MW woke me after a million hours in labour and an EMCS and said 'cone on mum your baby needs you'. My immediate response was 'give me a minute' then there was a thunderbolt of realisation that i would never get a minute again no matter how much pain I was in, no matter how tired, my baby needed me and their needs had to come first.

Admittedly I have had a minute to myself since, but that remains the pivotal moment of my life!

The problem is, all the 'cons' are tangible things you know - definite negatives like lack of sleep, lack of freedom etc. It changes you into someone who has to think about kids foray in nearly everything you do.
But the positives are this vague and unknowable promise of love! Which you can't properly know until the kids arrive... So hard to compare pros/cons

Btw I was married for 10 years before we had kids. I never got a great urge, just thought it might be an adventure we'd like to go on.

You're right OP, it can be a very tough decision. You're not alone in feeling ambivalent. I went through the yearning and the physical ache for years, but deep down I knew that the reality of parenthood was not for me. I have worked with children and parents for years so was under no illusions about what would be involved

There are messages everywhere telling you that motherhood is a natural thing for women, that it's what every woman wants, there is no greater love etc. Meh. There are many different ways to build a life. Listen to your gut

I rarely get grief from other people these days about when we're going to have children but if I do, I give a smile and say 'its complicated'. Don't give any details or explanations, and don't involve anyone but those closest to you in your decisions. People need to learn not to be so bloody nosey. Good luck with your decision and good for you for giving it so much thought

Some people don't want to have children and that's fine (obviously), I'd wait a while and see how you go.

I don't believe that if you are child free that you can't be nurturing or maternal in nature. It doesn't mean you are cold or uncaring.

I have to point out that you do feel completely differently about your own DC than any other child you will meet, even if they're close family members.

You still have time.

How do you see your future? Does it include a family or is that not something that particularly affects your picture?

For want of a better phrase, there is a sell by date on your decision and that needs to be taken seriously as it can end up being heartbreaking and costly. It's human nature that minds change but it's worth some serious thought now.

You have time to muse on it, but in all honesty no one can tell you what it's actually like. There are so many variants, not least the kind of child you get (laid back, highly strung, ball of energy, quiet) that you just can't predict how it might impact your life.

I miss my life pre-dc but it is a temporary situation in reality (not that it feels it in the moment) and I adore dd so I'm fine with it. There is a lot to be said for being child-free.

Fwiw I'm not and never have been a 'baby' person. I like 'em communicative and slightly more rational! I'm really looking forward to that.

The only thing that DC can really mess up (unless you're careful and strict about preserving it) is your career. So I'd think about that, more than holidays and peaceful dinners in the garden.

How to you feel about a maternity break? Putting your DC into nursery when they're very young, or using a nanny or CM, or taking a career break for 3-5 years? Then having to find (and fund!) childcare to cover before/after school? Having to find childcare for the 6/7 weeks summer holiday?

That's what you and your DH should be looking at. It's the only really difficult bit I've experienced.

You don't sound like you want them. You might change your mind or you might not, you have a really long time to do so.

I never wanted them but woke up one day and was absolutely desperate for one. It was literally overnight, I don't know what happened, I didn't know any small children.l so it wasn't that I'd been looking after them or anything. I thought it was a blip and ignored it but it didn't go away.

Wait and see would be my advice. If you don't want now, don't have now. You may change, you may not. You've still got time.

I was adamant I never wanted a child, from when I was a small child who loathed dolls to when I was about 35-36. Then something switched and nobody was more surprised than me.

We only have the one - he was born when I was 40 after a horrible HG pregnancy - and he's hard work, a constant worry, exhausting. He's also autistic which adds another layer to the complexity. We never got babysitters as it wouldn't have worked, so we didn't go out for years and years. Most of our friends never had children and are happy that way, so we get left out a lot from their gatherings which are not child-friendly. For us, child-rearing has been isolating and hard.

Wouldn't swap him though. Well, OK, I might lend out for a weekend or two...

For me, reason went out the window and hormones took over. I just suddenly wanted to get pregnant, like, NOW.

If that hadn’t have happened I still wouldn’t have kids. It doesn’t make rational sense to want them!

Carry on as you are OP, if you get “the feeling”, it’ll be impossible to ignore. Not having kids is a perfectly legitimate position to take x

I was pretty (very) ambivalent about having my own. My best friend said to me that of course it was fine to be childfree, but to make it an active decision rather than let it drift until I was too old to still have the choice (mid/late 30s fertility permitting!)
Sounds like you're considering it rather than drifting, which is great. Could you perhaps revisit periodically?
I have to say, as a non-maternal person, I find the relentlessness hard and the constant prioritising of another person tough to get used to after 37 years of me first but she's so bloody worth it and I'm going again, due in September!

I wasn't particularly broody before I got married, unlike my DSis, who always wanted a big family and now has it. But when I got married I never considered not having them, and I knew my DH wanted DCs anyway. Then I found myself really wanting them, and it was devastating to discover I was infertile. I'm happy with the life we have with our adopted DDs now, but it's embarrassing when people tell me how much they admire me for doing it. When I was first married I would never have imagined myself doing it.

If you don't want DCs or not yet, that's fine. Just enjoy the freedom you now have. When you have DCs, you can't do some of the things you do now, but it's not really for that many years. When they're bigger (mine are 9 and 6 now) they can join you in some of these activities, and they have their own interests as well. (We just become their unpaid taxi service.)

At your age I felt the same and enjoyed couple life. Didn’t feel like trying until over 35. Enjoy the life you have unless you’re desperate for one.