To think it's really hard to work out if you want children?

[Tmtiger]

I'm 31. Married a year. Financially comfortable for the two of us. I have no idea how that translates for three. We keep getting asking the question. And I just think people who want children feel differently that I do. Or do They?

I worry about if my husband and I could maintain the friendship/sexual side to our relationship. I worry I am not patient. I worry I am selfish and self serving. I love our holidays and would miss them. I love dinners out. I love sitting down at 8pm with a home cooked dinner and a nice glass of mine.

I don't think I like children. I like peace and quiet. I worry how I would cope with sleep deprevation. I don't look at children and think 'I want that'

What are your thoughts? How did pre child you feel about the situation?

You haven’t really said if your DH wants kids, did you talk about it before marriage?

In my eyes, you usually know if you want kids. I’ve always known, and I’m 29 and having my second and last baby (mainly as we want to be able to provide for them).

Yep it tests your relationship but I would say it’s created this new level of understanding between the two of us. We still travel with our DD, still go out (obviously we arrange a babysitter) and both try and have a little me time.

I knew I wanted kids as I always envisaged them in my future but I never had a particular longing. I’ve also always believed life can be fulfilling without kids. I waited quite long as I wanted to do it at the right time. The right time never really came around so we just went for it. It’s harder than I ever imagined but also better then I imagined. One thing that keeps me sane is working pt & I have my parents 15 mins walk away. As another poster mentioned 2 is a whole different ballgame & we found it pretty hard to adjust as your world becomes a lot more child centric.

You only have to read the threads on being fed up with kids to see the reality. I would only have kids if there is an overwhelming desire to do so.I never felt that so didn't and have never regretted my decision. A lot of friends now dealing with really difficult teenagers/mental health issues. As a teacher I have no desire to seek fulfilment from maternal sources.

OP you do sound as though it’s not for you. You need to make up your own mind though, and not listen to the voices trying to talk you into or out of it as they will often have their own agenda.

A lot of the things you describe are shallow. But they make life pleasant and they are enjoyable. I was very unsure for very similar reasons - I loved my life, it was great!

At 35 I had what turned out to be a tiny gynae issue, and had to go for tests. The fear that it might be premature meno was what showed me that actually I did want kids, and rather badly. The gynae was very blunt with me about not waiting too long at my age, but as I was single, there wasn't much I could do about it at the time! But for me, the crunch came when waiting for test results and faced with that question: what if he says you can't have them at all?

So you could try looking at it that way.

Now I have a toddler and a new baby who screams a lot and it is relentless hard work, even though i love them to bits. I would be lying if I said I didn't have huge pangs for my pre-child life in London, drinking all day in the sun on a lovely bank holiday weekend! So you do need to ask yourself very honestly if you're ready to give up a lot of things for a good few years.

I feel the same op, but I’m 35! Need to decide soon...

At the moment, having a child just seems like relentless drudgery and I can’t see any positives at all to be had.

I think its quite hard to know actually. Everyone, including myself, thought I'd be awful at mothering - I was career focused, moody, angry, selfish, messy, disorganised, travelled a lot, very passionate about my own career and work...I was incredibly depressed when I was pregnant, thought I was preparing to do a life sentence in prison.

But now I love being a mum, and love my DS. And I've actually had a much smoother time of it than many of my more domesticated/ settled/ happily-married-for-years/ maternal friends. My whole notion of time and life changed, and I got my act together in all kinds of ways.

I just don't think you can always know.

Look, it IS relentless drudgery for the first couple of years, no matter how much you live them. The minute my kids hit 4&7 life became so much more relaxing.

Also nobody tells you that the longer you have them, the more you love them.

My kids feel like my best mates now and we have a lovely family life. But, yes, initially, the emotional Outlay is enormous

I'm not sure it's that hard. You don't have to 'love children' or be mad keen on other people's, come to that, to feel broody, and just have a gut feeling that you really want a baby.

Some people have always known. With others, it may suddenly hit them after years of not being bothered. Others are never hit at all.
If it never hits you, and you're sure you're never truly going to want a baby, best IMO not to bring one into the world.

How would you feel if doctors told you tomorrow that you were never going to able to have a baby? That might be a good test.

A lot of the things you describe are shallow.

Seriously? Us childfree people are shallow?

I didn’t find it at all hard. I absolutely knew I wanted children. We had a backup plan if we hadn’t been lucky enough to have been able to conceive, but our first choice was to have children after we got married.

It isn’t for everyone and I think you definitely shouldn’t unless you’re sure you want them.

I agree with peachypetite.

DH & I have been together 16 years (married for 10) and although in the past we have discussed having children we have since decided it isn't for us.

If people asked if we were going to have a baby I would make excuses as I was too embarrassed to say we don't want children. Now if anyone asks I'm honest & if they don't like it it's tough. Having children isn't for everyone.

I always looked at families playing in parks or on days out etc and thought ' I want that', I now have 2 DDs & feel very happy with our choice. But you sound like you're the opposite, which is a valid choice! We gave up drinking & foreign city breaks but knew & accepted this before conceiving

I have 2 young children - both very much always wanted and DH and I wouldn't change a thing. However the drawbacks you mentioned are a reality of our new lifestyle, and even us who wanted kids do struggle with it! if you already know you'd feel negatively about that trade-off and don't actually like children, I'd recommend you wait and see. You might still get that 'urge' or general broodiness, in which case you'll probably just decide it's time! But don't feel pressured to have children because you think it's expected of you, it's too big a commitment.

I didn’t like babies or children but was suddenly hit with a breathtaking broodyness at about 30. My brain was completely bypassed in the decision making. It didn’t happen straight away so 3 difficult years followed until I got my baby, second very quickly 3 years later. I do find it exhausting but they’re also funny and great company.