What would you do in this situation?

[Potentialheretic]

I am atheist.
DH is a non practising Catholic, who would refer to himself as agnostic.
I am pregnant with our first child.

We had discussed getting the baby christened, and I said that I would prefer not to. If the baby decided at a later date to follow a faith, I will support them in that, but I do not agree with infant baptism. I feel that a child should be given knowledge about all religions, and be allowed to make its own choice. However I did add the disclaimer that if DH felt very strongly about the issue, then I would consider it, but it would not be my preference, and would have no impact on any further parenting decisions, such as schooling.
DH at the time agreed with this.

Today we visited PILs and a comment was made about planning a christening. There was an awkward silence and DH said "well we'll have to see about that" and changed the subject.

We've been talking about it, and we both feel that we've maybe underestimated the importance his family places on the baby being a part of their faith - none of them are particularly devout except MIL. DH now feels torn, and I too am reluctant to create a rift over this, I love PILs.

I can see a situation emerging where a categorical "no christening" will result in a lot of upset, with the blame being put on me rather than DH. I'll be the one who has influenced DH, etc etc.

So I have told DH that I am leaving the decision entirely to him, on the understanding that although it's against my wishes, I will defer to his decision as he is the parent who does come from a faith. But I've also said that as he will be acting according to his conscience, so I'll act according to mine. So I won't stand up in church and tell lies about how I'm going to ensure that the baby is brought up in the faith, for example.

DH doesn't know what to do and is having a think about it. If the baby is christened, it's essentially going to be to keep family happy, and he doesn't like that idea, but on the other hand, he doesn't want to fall out with his family and if I'm honest, I think the cultural Catholic thing goes deeper than he realised.

I have also told him that as I'm leaving the decision solely to him, that extends to any particular christening event. I will not be planning or catering for it - if he decides this is something he wants to do, then he will be doing the work for it. I have no intention of planning a family event only weeks after having a baby.

Aibu? Am I being fair?

Yes, the practice in DH family tends to be getting a local cafe to cater in the village hall, with lots of family attending. Usually six weeks after the birth. That's not my thing really, so if DH wanted that he would have to sort it. Alternatively he might decide that tea and cake in our house will fit the bill, but again I won't be scrubbing from top to bottom. I think my lack of organisational help has been misconstrued - I won't be sitting in the corner sulking. I simply wouldn't go to that effort a few weeks after birth for ANY reason, it's not some sort of silent protest.

My DH's family is Catholic and I understand completely where you are coming from. None of our 3 children were baptized because we did not want to make insincere promises we had no intention of keeping about raising them as Catholics - we felt that would have been disrespectful to everyone who genuinely holds those beliefs. I am sure my MIL was disappointed but she accepted it was our decision.

He won't raise the child Catholic. I think he's been inside a church maybe 3 times in the last ten years and one of those times was Canterbury cathedral, because I adore it and dragged him in.

Parenting works best when both parents are on the same page so I think you are being unreasonable to leave the decision entirely up to your husband. And if he makes the decision you don't want, you won't help with the organising?
I cannot fathom a situation where my child was having a celebration that I would not help with.

Tbh I wouldn't worry about the logistics of the christening until after the baby has arrived - it doesn't have to take place weeks after the birth, it can be anytime that suits the family.

We are talking about your child I.e. both you and dh's child and not mils in which case it should be a joint decision not left up to one person or another family members opinion.

So he is considering having the child christened, promising to raise it cartholic when he has no intention of doing so?

That's the bigger issue. He should only do this if he intends to raise the child catholic.

@Bluntness100

Which bit is offensive and why is you taking offense any more important than my right to having an opinion?

@Bluntness100

That's the bigger issue. He should only do this if he intends to raise the child catholic.

Not really. The point of baptism, IIRC from my childhood CD lessons, is to absolve the baby of 'original sin'. No matter how bizarre a thought that is, that a tiny baby could have some kind of inherited sin, it's what is taught re baptism. So it's the baptism itself that's important, for the child's sake, in Catholic teaching. Everything else is just window dressing.

Hence the teaching of how to administer baptism in emergencies.

Bluntness- basically yes. That's why I am leaving it up to his own conscience. Because I know he'll be going against his own preferences too, and just going along with the flow of what's expected. If he was genuinely religious, this would be easier in some ways, because then it would be obvious that it's important to him. But honestly, if left to his own devices it wouldn't be. It's not entirely the choice I have an issue with, it's the reasons behind it.

That's also why I'm trying to back off from influencing him, I want him to reach his own conclusions. He's a very fair man and he's not a pushover in the usual run of things, so either he'll decide that no, he won't get his child christened solely because of what other people think. Or else he'll decide that faith is more important to him than he realised, and actually he does want his child to be part of that. I suppose if he decides on the latter, he may start making more of an effort to attend Mass, I don't know. It needs to be his decision either way.

Yeah, I guess, but you do also have to promise to bring the child up catholic and he shouldn't lie.

Reset, I'm personally not offended, but I do think insinuating people who believe in religion lack intelligence, is offensive to those who believe in it.

I think PIL genuinely do believe that the baby's immortal soul will be in danger if it is not baptised. I know limbo doesn't exist any more, but the culture of secrecy and shame surrounding stillbirths etc is hard for the older generation to shake off. I can't get pissy at something that is done from a place of love and concern. It's hard for me to wrap my head around, but I think there's a very genuine fear there surrounding what happens if a much loved baby isn't baptised.

it's not just about the naming/godparents/and raising as a catholic.
its to"erase the original sin they were born with"
i don't think so
do not believe in any religion and find this offensive
this isn't the middle ages do what you want
i was raised in a roman catholic family and hated the whole thing
got done with it when i was 12 and refused it from then on

No. Don't do it. I would have felt a massive hypocrite had I done that.

My DM raised me to make my own mind up, and I took that stance with my DC's. Neither are christened nor affiliated with any religion. They are teens now, and I did make sure as they were growing up to explain different faiths and practices so they would have respect for those that practised specific religions.

As a family we border between agnostic/atheism which I think is fairly healthy in terms of having open discourse on the topic.

I generally have the opinion religion should be found should a person feel something is lacking. It should not be forced.

Firstly, a christening isn't necessarily the thin end of the wedge into Sunday mass, church schools and confession. We were christened (in the Church of England, despite my mother being Catholic) and that was pretty much all the religion we ever had. My parents were pretty hot on the idea of us being able to choose our own faiths as we grew up. My brother is now agnostic and I'm of a non-Christian faith.

For people who are Christians there's a fear that an unbaptised/unchristened child will go to purgatory rather than heaven if they die. That might seem daft to non-relgious types but it's a big deal to some Christians and that might be why PILs are so adamant. Could you maybe have a non-denomination blessing instead as a half-way house? Or some sort of church blessing that isn't religion-heavy and definitely not a full on christening - do you have a friendly local vicar you could chat to?

i was raised in a roman catholic family and hated the whole thing

I was raised in a catholic family and I didn't hate the whole thing. People are different. I don't believe in anything now, but I certainly wasn't scarred by being brought up catholic, and don't suffer any of that guilt people have mentioned.

We've discussed a blessing. I'm not sure how much of a compromise that will be, but DH will look into it. I would be much happier with that, if I'm honest, I don't mind a blessing, the same way I don't mind if my religious friends pray that I'll have an easy pregnancy or something. I don't believe it makes a difference, but I appreciate the thought and motivation behind it

@Potentialheretic

But there are other reasons like faith schools in a few years. I have no problem making a promise to an invented entity if it benefits my children.

In the same way we had a church wedding. DH wanted one and I didn't care therefore we had one.

I'm vehemently anti-theist but would happily kiss the Pope's ring (no, the one on his finger) if it benefited me or my family.

See it as nothing more than a day out with family.

@Bluntness100

I didn't insinuate that religious people we less intelligent. I stated it. It's been proven.

I couldn't give a flying fuck if anyone is offended by my opinion. When contrasted against the evil religion has done and continues to do, I question their humanity before their intelligence. Intelligent people who believe in religion are the most frightening kind.

They are teens now, and I did make sure as they were growing up to explain different faiths and practices so they would have respect for those that practised specific religions.

If I'd had different faiths explained to me as a child I'd have discarded religion even faster than I did 😅

Faith schools won't be an issue. The baby will 100% not be going to a faith school, there aren't any in the area. Baby will be going to one of the perfectly good village primaries

I think you are being fair. Same happened to my sister - hubby's family actually had a christening outfit used by his family for generations. She was not keen on the christening but went through it for family relations. I think there is a difference between not keen and dead against. So I think its sensible if you are not keen, that you have left the ball totally in the court of your hubby.

So I have told DH that I am leaving the decision entirely to him, on the understanding that although it's against my wishes, I will defer to his decision as he is the parent who does come from a faith. But I've also said that as he will be acting according to his conscience, so I'll act according to mine. So I won't stand up in church and tell lies about how I'm going to ensure that the baby is brought up in the faith, for example.

I said the same, almost word for word, to my DH when pregnant with our first.

Said child is now 16 years old, still not baptised and neither are their 2 younger siblings. PIL have grown to accept the fact, even if they still don't like it.

the point of baptism, IIRC from my childhood CD lessons, is to absolve the baby of 'original sin'. No matter how bizarre a thought that is, that a tiny baby could have some kind of inherited sin

That sounds like there is a belief in reincarnation

I was in your exact position a long time ago OP. Husband was a Catholic (lapsed), I was an atheist. I made it clear that while I couldn't participate in a mumbo jumbo religious services and would do nothing to facilitate a christening I would not object if he felt he wanted our child baptised. (after all it wouldn't harm him)
As I expected nothing was done but thanks to me agreeing he could do it there was no animosity.
Problem solved.

I think you're being very grownup, mature and not at all U about the situation OP. You're giving your husband (and baby's father) the opportunity to assert his religious principles if he can es enough about them. If he doesn't, so be it.

My MIL is a virtually non-practicing Muslim and wanted us to have an Islamic blessing for our wedding years ago. I had to (nicely but firmly) decline as I'm a confirmed atheist and - like you - felt that my participation would make a mockery of the ceremony for those who truly believed. She wasn't thrilled but got over it. The only part I regret is later finding out just how generous the gifts were at these things

We were in a similar position - husband and his family Catholic, me firmly atheist, my family C of E. We did go for Catholic baptism for both children, as my husband thought it important (and would never have heard the end of it from family otherwise). I spoke to the priest beforehand and was honest about my lack of faith - it absolutely wasn't an issue. All I had to do was agree that my children can learn about the Church and God's word, which they can (they will also learn about my beliefs, and those of Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, etc.). There was no problem with me not joining in the responses to the questions I disagreed with - so I was happy to reject Satan, but didn't accept Jesus, for example.

Both christenings were actually great opportunities to welcome the new baby and share our new chapter with friends and family. Being baptised hasn't tied the kids to anything and confirmation/communion will be their choice when they're older and have been exposed to various different religions and schools of thought. So in your position I'd actually go with it, help with the organising as much as possible (which so soon in the baby's life may not be much!) and enjoy the occasion with the people you love around you.