to find it so very sad that if a man shows geunuine affection towards a child he must be a peadophile?

[mamazon]

yes there is a current thread that has promted this but this is not aimed at the Op, this is something that has bothered me for quite some time.

i keep hearing of people being "concerned" about teh man who works at the nursary, or the guy who plays with all his kids friends when they are at the park, or the guy who runs teh football team...etc etc.

why is it we cannto accept that these are just grown men who want to enrich teh lives of children. that they find it enjoyable to show affection and respect to people yet to reach adulthood.

we are forever complaining about our men who refuse to play with little johny, or wont spare any time for the children.. and yet when we find a man who activly encourages childrent o interact with him we dive to the conclusion that there is somethign more sinister going on.

Obviously i would always tell a parent to trust their instincts but i feel that our previously good parental judgment has been tarred by the media's constant scare mongering about sex offenders.

so, am i right in thinking we should maybe give these guys the respect they deserve for wanting to entertain our children or AIBU?

yes, I think this is sad too

and although Kerrymum you said how many women have raped children, I'd love to know how many women stand by and know it happens (especially in the family) but do nothing about it. Loads and loads and in my mind, and they are just as guilty as the men who do it.

This fear of men/strangers wanting to work with children is disturbing and not at all good for future generations. IF everyone is locked up into atomised little family units, with all contact with new people forbidden or treated with extreme suspicion, we will end up with even more violent, dysfunctional and utterly anti-social people. If you;'re never allowed to relate to new people as a child, how will you learn to do it as an adult?

Also, slightly OT but a very good piece of childrearing advice I read once: if you teach your kids that everyone apart from you is dangerous and bad, they will believe you - up until the point when they encounter a new person who is not dangerous or bad. Then they will decide that you're full of sh*t, and promptly disregard any stranger-safety advice in future....

True. On the way to school this morning I was telling the twins the people who are most likely to harm any of us are people who know us or live with us.

No time to read whole thread, but OP is not being unreasonable. I think it's sad too. Was so cross with my SIL this week who was upset that her daughter's nursery had employed a male member of staff. Heaven forbid! Really got me angry. This from a supposedly intelligent woman.

My DH loves children and enjoys picking them up, tickling them, playing with them etc. I would hate to think that anyone would feel his intentions anything other than simply making the children happy.

My DH refuses to have anything to do with other people's children. Society will suffer because fewer men will want to work with children, especially in schools.

Kerrysmum: by your definition, then, children should be made to be terrified of everyone they meet. I understand that dreadful things happened to you in the past, but I genuinely think that trying to instill this kind of constant low-grade terror in children and parents is a really bad idea.
For one thing, people can't live in constant fear. They suffer for a while and then they become complacent. and/or utterly despairing. And the fact remains that the vast majority of adults are NOT dangerous abusers, and a world in which everyone is to be regarded with mistrust is going to be a hideously violent, antisocial and profoundly miserable one.

KerryMum,

I can understand where you are coming from as a victim myself (as stated below) but i still cannot possibly mistrust everyone as you say its normally those close to you, so will you stop your dp/dh being alone with your children, will you stop your father/your brothers?

yes act on instinct, i think a lot of abuse is/was known about and not stopped, it was a complete taboo subject until recently. as a mother i feel you would notice a change in your child and their relationship with whatever adult. As long as you follow your instincts and take notice of your childs behaviour i think thats all you can do. you cannot expect your child to stay away from everyone that may or maynot ever hurt them, thats also sad but true!

I can understand this form people who have been abused. I think that is a very different situation to be in. If they had been abused by a women I suspect they'd be equally as wary as leaving their child with a woman too.

However for others, I cannot understand this view point at all. Child abuse is not that common, and most abuse comes from within the family. I find it very sad that man are not able to help out with children in a way that we see it acceptable for a woman to.

I find it all so sad We should be encouraging more men into these traditionally female roles. Children need some male role models in their day to day life, not just daddy and grandad.

We are shaping the society in which our children, our sons, will live as adults. We are curtailing their choices through our fears.

And I wonder if we are setting up a positive feedback loop here. As more men are driven away from working with children to prevent themselves falling under suspiscion, those with unhealthy motives for doing so, and I'm not pretending they don't exist, will become ever-represented in that population. And so we will have our stereotypes further reinforced.

"if you think la di dah, not going to live our lives in fear and suspicion and won't worry unless there's something to worry about then I fear for your children"

Kerrymum, what you have literally said just here is that:
1.we should be living our lives in fear and suspicion
2.we should be worried even when there is nothing to worry about

This is so, so sad. Can't you see how impossible it would be to live a normal life under these conditions? If everyone lived like that then, sure, their children might be at lower risk of abuse (though even that is debatable) but they are utterly, 100% assured of a life of anxiety and fear, which sadly is also damaging.

over-represented

In regard to the OP, I totally agree, the press has caused irreprable harm in this country, making us all suspicous of perfectly innocent people. What about the man who lives alone, in a house overlooking a school, has little to do with his neighbours .. the press would have us believe that he is a perverted loner who will attack our children. In fact he is probably just a normal human being who happens to prefer his own company.

With regard to paedophiles, to suggest they can be rehabilitated is ridiculous. Peadophiles are sexually attracted to children, in the same way that a heterosexual man is attracted to women, a gay woman is attracted to women etc etc. There was a time when gay men and women were called perverted. Now we realise that its acceptable. Now before anyone jumps on me I am not suggesting for a second that paedophilia is acceptable or right. ITS NOT. The point I am trying to make is that peadophiles cannot be 'rehabilitated' any more than a homosexual can. Its the way they are. End of.

Paedophiles make up a tiny minority of the population, but sadly the press have blown the facts out of all proportion. thats not to say we don't all have to be careful of who is caring for our kids, but theres no need to go OTT imo.

Trust your instincts, if theres something about another person that is making your alarm bells ring, then get yourself and your kids away from them.
I used to work for a bloke, who I detested, he gave me the creeps, but was dismissed by all my (male) colleagues as being a 'bit of a lad' and even a 'stud' . I thought he was slimy, manipulative and a nasty piece of work. When dd was born and I took her into work to show her off, I would not let him even look at her let alone touch her. Some people thought I was over-reacting, blamed my hormones, and said he was just' a bit of a lad'. Really ? well he has now been charged ( not yet convicted, case comes up int he summer) of three counts of serious sexual assault on a child. My gut instinct says he is guilty, time will tell if I am right. But I trusted my instincts and I believe that I did the right thing.

Mum Instinct is rarely wrong. trust yourself, trust your judgement. Don't let anyone persuade you that your instincts are wrong. And don't let the press bias that instinct !!!

Sorry mumof8 - it isn't 'end of', though you expess that sentiment very well. Your simple diagnosis is, well, simple, and doesn't pan out in RL - peoples sexual tastes shift through out life.

If peeps wish to refuse any prospects of altering some men's damaging ways of thinking and behaving, then there is nothing to be done to stop them.

I agree with mumofeight. Peodophilea is a sexual preference. They find children sexually attractive. They should never be allowed to roam our streets as everywhere they go they encounter young and innconet kids and can not restrain themselves. And unfortuntaley the unthinkable happens

Anyone found guilty of child abuse should be locked up for life imo.

Kerry, if you read the post, you will seethat you are suggesting ways to stop people thinking change is impossible.

but I know what you mean, though I disagree with you.

A guy doesn't deserve respect just for wanting to entertain our children, it also doesn't mean that he is a paedophile.

As a parent you need to educate your children about dangers, abuse, keeping bad secrets as you never know who might abuse them.

I suspect many paedophiles don't show a particular interest in anyway like running a football club or playing with kids. They just act 'normal' whilst putting the fear of god in little children so they never tell.

This is all bringing up bad memories for me.
When i was about 8yrs old me and a friend (girl) used to play outside in our estate.
At the time i lived in Lausanne in Switzerland and everyone lived in apartment blocks.
One day this guy invited us in to his apartment. My parents had never talked to me about stranger danger and this was in the late 70's and people were much more trusting.
This guy was quite elderly in his 70s so after a while he got to know my parents and they used to let him take me, my friend and my brother out for treats.
Our grandparents were still in UK so they must have thought he was a grandfather figure for us.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, the visits to his house were getting stranger and stranger.
His favourite game was to chase me and my friend around his flat. Just typing this i can smell the stink for his flat, gauloise cigarettes and just stink!!
One day, he decided that i was "groomed" enough and showed me his willy.
That was it, and i avoided him like the plage.
But i was too ashamed to tell my parents, i just don't know why.
Time passed and sometimes he saw me playing outside and he would try to talk to me but i would just blank him and go home.
He even came to me with a brand new bicycle. I threw it in the stream but decided to keep it.
Even now my mum does not know where it came from.
A few months before we moved back to the UK, i was at school and the Headmaster wanted to see me.
In his office there were two plain clothed police officers and they asked me questions about this man.
I just burst out crying and basically told them everything (my parents were there also).
He got banged up in jail for a few years as he tried it on with an older child and they reported him, hence them wanting to speak to me.
I've now got two DDs of my own and i don't care how nice or old a man is, i'll NEVER trust a stranger like that again.
AB

Several comments about using instinct and trusting/not trusting certain people.

I trusted my father in law 100% with my two young daughters, I had absolutely no reason not to. He never acted suspiciously in front of me or my husband, he was a nice bloke, generous on birthdays and christmas etc.

However, after knowing and liking him for 20+ years I find out that he isn't really the man I thought I knew with the family and stable respectable job but a child rapist who given the chance would probably do it again.

This isn't about trusting a certain man or not - you can't trust anyone full stop. The only thing you can do is educate your child regarding their safety.

His wife trusted him for years too, and didnt' have a clue what he was doing to their daughters

MUMOFEIFGHT you are absolutly correct in saying that peadophilia is a sexual attraction to youmng chidlren in teh same way hetrosexuality is to the alternate sex.

you cannot "cure" or "rehabilitate" a peadophile in teh same way you can't turn a gay man straight (howver hard they tried in the early 20th century)

What you can do is to give them councelling and help them live a life where they do not harm children.

And yes actually, i would be more than happy to live next door to a man who was activly seeking help for his tendanices as he clearly knew how harmfull they were and would probably never allow himself to be alone with a child through his own fears.

i have been in the fortunate position of having my own thoughts and beliefs challenged by the very people i considered monsters. i too would have ben part of the "hang them" brigade prior to working with these men.
It really did give me a different perspective.

But i am totally understanding of why it is so worrying to many people, particularly parents. i just feel that the media is fueling an already mighty fire