Was IBU with DD 18?

[4teensandababy]

Morning Mumsnetters. Long time poster, but would appreciate your honest opinion on this.

DD1 has just turned 18. She is studying for her A Levels and we have just finished her University application for September. She’s very intelligent, but has always been somewhat lazy when it comes to chores, and general helpfulness around the house. She’s also been missing sixth form a bit lately and lying about lessons being cancelled. She has a part time retail job which she’s had for a couple of years though and is doing really well there.

Thursday night I spoke with her at 8.30pm, and she said she was going out with friends (didn’t mention who) straight from work, and would be back later.

I woke up Friday (yesterday) morning, with DD2 16 (with whom she shares a bedroom) panicking and asking where she was. I immediately called DD1’s mobile - no answer. I tried a few times with no joy. I then messaged her usual circle of friends and asked if they knew where she was. None of them were with her the previous night nor knew where she was.
At this point I’m panicking a little. For context, she has never stayed out overnight without telling me, nor has run away. She has always up until now let me know exactly what she’s up to.
An hour passes, and I’ve called everyone I can think of and no one knows where she is. I then call the police to see if anything has happened to her, along with the hospital. Again, no sign of her.
I then put up a Facebook post asking if anyone knows where she is.

Fast forward another hour and I get a text message from her. She says that she fell asleep at someone’s house and she will be home soon. Can I please remove the Facebook post immediately because its embarrassing for her.

I remove the post and go to work. I get a message from sixth form at 10am saying she hasn’t turned up for lessons. She calls me at work, and I tell her we will talk later that evening, but there will be consequences.

Last night it totally blew up. She did apologise, but it was followed by a BUT. I.e. “I’m sorry, but I fell asleep. What was I supposed to do?”
I tried explaining how worried everyone was, but in her mind we massively over reacted as it was a mistake, and I’ve embarrassed her. She then throws out the “I’m 18, and I can do what I like” comment.
I told her that yes, she’s 18, but whilst living under my roof she still has to abide by my rules.
She then decides that she’s leaving and going to stay at GP’s house (Her fathers parents).

We will be sitting down today to talk it through, but I’d love opinions on whether I over reacted (which her dads side of the family think I did), should she be punished etc? She’s very headstrong, and a lot like me which is why we clash. She has so much potential, but her lack of work and effort at school right now means she could well be throwing it all away.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. All suggestions and opinions gratefully received.

We had the option of leaving school at 16, today’s kids don’t.

I’m not advocating leaving at 16, I was 17’when I left, I’d picked all the wrong a levels and was generally miserable, so I went and got a job.

Education will always be there, it’s something she can go back to.

When you sit and talk to her, ask her how school/college is going.

Does she know what she wants to do? There’s nothing wrong if she doesn’t, we don’t all hit 18 and know what we want.

You need to calm down you are now parenting an adult and just turned 18yr olds can be quite frankly arseholes.
You need to re-set boundries give her adult responsibility.

she lives in your house it isonly good manners to let the people know you are safe.I don't think you should go with my house my rules because she is just going to stick 2 fingers up at that but seeing as she is still at School then she either has to go or not her swanning about like the Queen of sheba isn't going to work for you so you can ask her what she wants to do?

singlebutmarried She knows she wants to teach secondary school Maths. She’s been accepted for a training scheme that supports her through University.

She really wants to do it, but doesn’t seem to want to put the work in.

It’s her attitude and general lack of respect that’s so upsetting.

You can't punish her she's an adult! I thinkyou are over reacting but I know I'd be worried too if my dds hadn't come home.

I think you're absolutely right. She may be an adult but she is living in your house and it is perfectly reasonable for you to expect her home at a reasonable time, or at least to let you know if she is not coming home so that you don't worry. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions. In this case, her failure to let you know where she was led you to take the action you did, which were embarrassing for her. There is an obvious way in which she can avoid that happening again.

I have a daughter the same age. Perhaps I am too controlling, but I always know where she at night when she goes out, and I never go to bed until she is home. She has no friends within walk no distance and I worry if she is driving, especially to unfamiliar places, and if she isn't I want to be able to collect her if she unexpectedly needs a lift.

I don't think you are overreacting about her behaviour she has to be respectful but you might need to back of slightly and let her make her own decisions and mistakes she is thoughtless but she isn't the only 18yrold to be like this.

If she hadn't said she'd be back later that night, would you have worried as much? Perhaps just tell her you're not clipping her wings, you just need to know so that you (and others) don't worry, same as if any other family member didn't show up when they said they would as it would be out of character.

As for not going to 6th form, would not attending impact her grades for her teacher training and uni course?

You overreacted. She’s 18.

You absolutely can discipline her when she lives in your home. My parents and everyone I know still were disciplined despite being a legal ‘adult’. They don’t get free rein because they’re 18 - they are still at school, you’re still the parent. It’s still your house. You were definitely not being unreasonable but 18yo’s are not known for being reasonable! Her dad’s side of the family are stupid. It’s what any sane/good parent would do. Sit down and have a chat and explain why you were so worried.

Logically, what was she meant to do. If she was asleep, she was asleep.

Does anyone have a manual for parenting 18 year old girls?

I just want her to respect me, the house, and her siblings. I’ve never been that controlling with any of them. I like think I’m firm but fair - but maybe not.

She's just being an 18 year old. It'd be nice if she told you she was staying out all night but sometimes these things happen. Falling asleep, losing track of time, getting caught up doing other things etc. Letting your parents know isn't really your first thought at that age. Maybe say that if she stays out and doesn't let you know and hasn't been in touch by say midday the next day then you will do all the same things you did yesterday? You're still within your right to worry whether she's 18 or not.

I'd perhaps have a chat about school. Find out why she doesn't seem to be making much of an effort anymore. Perhaps she might want to take some time out of education to live a little? It's not uncommon for teenagers to lose focus. I left school at 16 and got a job because I simply hated school. I went travelling at 18 for a year. I went back to college/uni when I was 20 and became a primary school teacher and eventually a secondary school teacher. Don't be too hard on her regarding school, now is the time to make a few mistakes or have some fun. She can always go back to education.

I think that she was really selfish not to phone you and let you know what she is doing. My DD is a similar age and I would expect her to phone me as I did my parents when living with them. I would do that at the age of 50 if staying at my parent's house so I don't see what being an adult has to do with it. It is just common courtesy not to let people worry about you.

As far as her education is concerned, I think that is is her life and her decision. Hopefully, even if she drops our now, she will go back to it when she has matured a little.

You can't punish her but you CAN make her feel like the selfish little girl she has behaved like.

She's eighteen and if she wants to be treated as eighteen so be it - adults still don't fuck off all night and don't let their nearest and dearest they live with know where they are. Adults apologise and are remorseful when they have frightened someone.

let her move in with her Gps for a bit, better than her running off to a squat like I did.

"we have just finished her University application for September"

Do you mean you wrote it with her? Why?

I'm asking because her behaviour might relate to her lack of actual independence and personal responsibility as an 18 year old. She should be doing her own university application.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to expect to know if she’s coming home or not. I also think ‘I’m 18; I’m an adult’ is fine in one sense, but if she’s expecting you to help financially while she studies (I’m guessing a part-time retail job doesn’t cover everything) she can’t complain if you want answers when she isn’t going to college.

However, I’m wondering if you’re still treating her like a much younger teen in some areas. The police and Facebook appeals before 10am? Warnings that ‘There will be consequences’? It all sounds a bit much for a legal adult who, come September, could be living in halls and staying out every night. I’d say you need a better balance here.

She’s 18. In a few months she’ll be staying out all night and won’t be accountable to anyone (except for police) so maybe she’s exploring that. I was definitely pretty independent at 18 and wouldn’t always know where I’d be (go to the pub then onto a mates house). I’ve definitely fallen asleep when I said I’d be home. Parents never bothered me about it. I think you’re overreacting

When my daughter turned 18 we had a chat about building a new relationship as adults and laid down some ground rules - shared responsibility for things, expectations we both had and so on. The one firm rule was that we both let each other know if we weren't going to be home that night (though I always am, she isn't always). We now have a more friend-friend relationship and discuss things together, ask advice and so on. It works well.

OP you did what any normal caring mum would do. My advice is for you to go by your gut instinct. Your DD is living under your roof, she is 18 ....yes but she should have told you she wasn't coming home. Of course you were frantic and so was your other DD , it is not fair of her and you really need to sit down and talk this out with her quietly , no shouting or sulking just a reasonable chat about how you and your other DD felt. Good luck my dear.

If you panicked, imagine how her GPs will react if she disappears and doesn't let them know where she is!

If my DD (also 18) didn't come home when she said she was going to I would also have panicked. I don't think you were unreasonable to call police and hospitals, but I do think the Facebook post was a step too far. I also think that telling her there would be consequences for missing school was too much.

I expect to be told when they will be back in so I don't worry. The consequences of them missing school are their future not being what they hoped. At 18 I don't punish for missing classes.

Caribou58 Sorry, by that I meant that I’ve paid her accommodation deposit and filled out my bits for her Student Finance. She did the rest on her own.

I think you have to appeal to her sense of fairness, rather than laying down the law.
She's more likely to keep you informed of her whereabouts if you express how worried you were etc. You'll just put her back up and she'll be defensive if you dictate and try to punish, as she's right - she's an adult now.
You need to negotiate now and appeal to the better side of her nature. But obviously you can't let yourself or your house be disrespected. It's the way you go about it though.

I had similar issues with my daughter who is now 21. I finally got to the bottom of the issues when I discovered that she didn't actually want to do the degree that she/we had planned and felt I was pushing her.
I am not saying that this is the same with your daughter, but when she went through the coming home late...not coming home at all and me being frantic with worry I knew deep down that something was wrong and with many tears and some door slamming we worked together towards finding the real issue.
We 'solved' this by her deciding to take a year out after her A levels before applying to do any course. During that time she worked for a large retail store and gradually decided what she really wanted to do. She is now doing a degree she loves, had a great time working for a year and earning some real money...some of which she gave me for housekeeping. Our relationship is repaired and quite frankly she grew up and I cut my apron strings...a bit

I have older DC so have been through this one.

She is an adult so can't be 'punished' like a child, imo. But she lives in your home, as part of the family, so needs to abide family 'rules'. And one of our family rules is that if anybody goes out, the rest of us should be told when to expect them home and where they're going. If plans change then we need to be let know or we will quite rightly worry!

I told DC to imagine me or their dad going out, saying we'll be back in a few hours, then not being home by the nest morning - and how weird that would be and how worrying it would be for everyone else. The fact that we're adults makes no difference - it's about having consideration for the family you are part of.