Was IBU with DD 18?

[4teensandababy]

Morning Mumsnetters. Long time poster, but would appreciate your honest opinion on this.

DD1 has just turned 18. She is studying for her A Levels and we have just finished her University application for September. She’s very intelligent, but has always been somewhat lazy when it comes to chores, and general helpfulness around the house. She’s also been missing sixth form a bit lately and lying about lessons being cancelled. She has a part time retail job which she’s had for a couple of years though and is doing really well there.

Thursday night I spoke with her at 8.30pm, and she said she was going out with friends (didn’t mention who) straight from work, and would be back later.

I woke up Friday (yesterday) morning, with DD2 16 (with whom she shares a bedroom) panicking and asking where she was. I immediately called DD1’s mobile - no answer. I tried a few times with no joy. I then messaged her usual circle of friends and asked if they knew where she was. None of them were with her the previous night nor knew where she was.
At this point I’m panicking a little. For context, she has never stayed out overnight without telling me, nor has run away. She has always up until now let me know exactly what she’s up to.
An hour passes, and I’ve called everyone I can think of and no one knows where she is. I then call the police to see if anything has happened to her, along with the hospital. Again, no sign of her.
I then put up a Facebook post asking if anyone knows where she is.

Fast forward another hour and I get a text message from her. She says that she fell asleep at someone’s house and she will be home soon. Can I please remove the Facebook post immediately because its embarrassing for her.

I remove the post and go to work. I get a message from sixth form at 10am saying she hasn’t turned up for lessons. She calls me at work, and I tell her we will talk later that evening, but there will be consequences.

Last night it totally blew up. She did apologise, but it was followed by a BUT. I.e. “I’m sorry, but I fell asleep. What was I supposed to do?”
I tried explaining how worried everyone was, but in her mind we massively over reacted as it was a mistake, and I’ve embarrassed her. She then throws out the “I’m 18, and I can do what I like” comment.
I told her that yes, she’s 18, but whilst living under my roof she still has to abide by my rules.
She then decides that she’s leaving and going to stay at GP’s house (Her fathers parents).

We will be sitting down today to talk it through, but I’d love opinions on whether I over reacted (which her dads side of the family think I did), should she be punished etc? She’s very headstrong, and a lot like me which is why we clash. She has so much potential, but her lack of work and effort at school right now means she could well be throwing it all away.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. All suggestions and opinions gratefully received.

I've parented three dc through that age and have heard 'you can't tell me what to do, I'm 18' more times than I can count.

IME laying down the law won't work because she'll honestly believe that you're being unreasonable.

She won't be at home for much longer and it would be a shame to make these last few months unhappy.

In your position, I would say that she is free to stay out late/all night as long as she does you the courtesy of a call or text so that you don't panic. Make it clear that this comes from a place of love, as did the fb post and calls to the hospital/police.

I would also say that every adult in your home must contribute, whether that is through full time education or paid employment. Make it clear that skipping school, jeopardising her chances of going to university or indeed failing to get the grades for higher education will result in her needing to get a job and pay board. Don't nag about that anymore. She knows what's at stake & you can't do it for her.

If she strops off to gp, tell her you respect her decision even though you'd prefer her to be at home making good choices. She won't be there long, she'll miss her home comforts, they'll begin to see your point.

I wouldn't cancel her phone because she needs that to stay safe on a night out.

The phone contract thing is easy to get out of. You say you will rethink that as she rethinks her behaviour because you do see them as a safety net for her and all of her siblings.

If she goes to uni then I think you will find most students still have parents paying for their phone contracts until they leave and are self-sufficient. I paid DD1's phone contract right up until early this year when we knew she was well settled in the grad job she was lucky enough to get after uni. She is almost 23 now and pays all her own expenses.

There is light at the end of the tunnel you are in. DD1 recently said to me that although she thought she was grown up and super mature at 18, she now looks back and sees that she was still rather childish and silly.

It just takes time. They don't suddenly his magically mature on their 18th birthday, though they often seem to think they do.