To ask if all women have experienced this?

[BrightonCalling]

I'm 30.
I'm the higher earner.
I'm a feminist.
And yet I find myself doing most of the stuff at home and I'm not sure it's his fault.
My partner works longer hours but earns less.

The problem is its not actually him, its me. He doesnt care what I do or dont do, but I feel pressure to have everything "sorted". I realised yesterday (probably because I had finished reading yhe Work chapter of the Beauty Myth) that I was trying to be likw my mother, who had a career, felt pressure to be well turned out, whilst also keeping the home immaculate and cooking from scratch.

My DP is a nice normal guy and doesnt expect anything. I realise that I put myself under pressure to be and do everything (except cleaning....I dont clean 😂). Should I tell him I want us to split cooking duties (I just took over cooking everything). What about stuff like dishwasher and laundry when I work less hours? If i dont do it I feel mean, since im home anyway. But with eachthing added up, it ends up me doing all household chores, and him coming home and thats it, his day js finished.

I'm wondering on a more general level - is this pressure something all women feel, and how do you break free from it?

I'm a SAHM, dp works

4 dc under 11

He cooks most evenings but i do 90-95% of everything else

I think i feel i should as i am a SAHM but tbh it was not much different when i worked

I’m the high earner, but we have a cleaner and I’d say DH does much more than half of the remaing chores.
He has more time than me as I work longer hours, longer commute and have a horse.
He cooks about 75% of the time, does gardening and DIY. The only thing I do most of is laundry.

Its a difference in mindset.
Example, its 6.30, you've finished work and had a shower but realise theres nothing in for dinner.
His solution: boil an egg, make some toast and finish the lump of cheese in the fridge.
My solution: think of what to make (not chicken, we haf that yesterday), go to shops, come back, cook.

I mean, which approach is right?

I am full time high earner. Dh is part time low earner. I still do an unfair stair of the housework and admin because I like things clean, tidy and ready and dh doesn't care.

Sounds like you need to have a few back ups in the freezer if you can- I can understand not wanting a light meal every evening, although equally there’s nothing wrong with cobbling a few bits together - it’s still food!

I think in the scenario you presented there his approach is right.
Why would you go out and shop if you had so,etching at home? Even if it's beans in toast or cheese and crackers. Once I'm home and showered, my pjs go on and I don't leave again.

If there's only the 2 of you, his approach is right.

When or if you have kids, you won't be able to keep up the standards of a perfectly presented life. You will both have to be more organised, and he will have to take his fair share of the workload, but the house will still be messier, things more chaotic and your life will look less 'perfect'.

It's self-imposed pressure although I've no doubt someone will blame the patriarchy and alongside the fact that he works longer hours, it's fair for you to do more at home than him.

I was definitely not socially conditioned the way most other women seem to be.

In your scenario I’d go for the egg toast and cheese option.

I don’t see housework as my responsibility and would rather work more and outsource more if more needed done.

As long as the place has a once over once a week that’s enough for me to feel like the house is clean enough. No way I’d waste my life with daily cleaning. It’s just not important to me.

No one really visits us so I don’t have anyone to impress, maybe that makes a difference?

I mean, which approach is right?

Neither is right or wrong. One is easier than the other. I used to be like you.

I let that go (took me a while!) but now it's more or less like your other half: if I'm tired, if I'm busy, if I have very little time, it's a bit of salad, a boiled egg and a bit of cheese and ham on a roll and if it's not enough, make yourself another sandwich. :)

gameNight - if it’s not the patriarchy, it’s a bit of a coincidence that the overwhelming majority of women feel this. I know I’m do, even though I work longer hours than DP and earn more. It would be nice NOT to feel that I should do most of the childcare and housework but it’s hard to undo a lifetime of conditioning.

I used to be somewhat obsessed with things looking perfect all the time, and my partner at the time had much lower standards. Without wanting to be sexist, most men do not notice the things us women notice in the home! For the most part.

Anyway, we split up and I went and spent 6 months abroad living in a small studio. It was a revelation! I couldn’t spend much time on the “house” as it was so small and required so little upkeep. Also, being alone meant I did sometimes eat snacks/light foods for dinner rather than feeling a need to cook every day. I absolutely loved it.

So now, my house isn’t perfect anymore (though it is always clean!) and I don’t cook every day, and i’m much happier for it. I was definitely brought up to believe that the home is women’s work and while my logical mind knows that to not be the case, I always felt that if things weren’t perfect then it would be me that people criticised so I did put that pressure on my self.

"the overwhelming majority of women feel this"

Says who?

Aside from your unsubstantiated claim, there's also strong evidence of psychological evolution and this could easily explain the two approaches.

We both work, same hours, roughly the same pay. I do the cleaning. I know where everything goes. I prefer it that way. It would be chaos if dp did it all

I don't particularly feel like this, especially with regards to cooking - I'm just not a foodie at all, and I'll eat whatever crappy leftovers are in the fridge/freezer like a fishfinger/sausage sandwich or beans on toast or something (there's a reason why my kids love me!), whereas my DH loves cooking, so I never cook and feel no pressure to. I also never iron - I've never ironed in my life so I'm not going to start now - I just don't care if my clothes are creased, especially non-work ones. My DH used to do the ironing as well, but my DD has taken it over now.

The only thing I do like is a tidy house, whereas both my DD and DH (they have EXACTLY the same character!) just don't see mess, so I do feel like I spend a lot of time cleaning/tidying, that is mostly made by them. I just can't relax when there's mess on the floor and I think a dirty kitchen is just minging. Uuurgh...

There is no 'right' approach but I agree with you that often (but not always) women feel under pressure to do all the stuff and this is why they end up doing it.
I did, years ago. When I was a SAHM I thought I 'ought' because I was at home. When I started going out to work, I decided things had to change. But it was difficult because by then the family were used to me doing 'women's work' and also, I felt terribly guilty about making everyone else pull their weight.
This was one of the factors (there were others) which led to our divorce. My DH said I had changed since we were married and of course, I had. I wanted an equal relationship, only too late did I realise that he didn't.
To be honest, I'm happier on my own now but if I ever entered another relationship, it would be on an absolutely equal basis and if that was unacceptable, I wouldn't enter the relationship. But I have learned that with hindsight and age....

I know exactly what you mean OP.
We both work full-time. 2 DC at home (mine not his biological children- he moved in with us when they were young primary age), one with ASD.
I do the bulk of everything in terms of housework. He doesn't expect me to but he also doesn't care / doesn't see stuff which needs doing (both apply I think).

Child duties are now equal - we do equal drop off and pick up and organise who is doing what every week. We both try to spend regular one on one time with each child. It took a few years to sort that though (he jumped from selfish bachelor life (his words!) to suddenly being in a family of 4 full-time).

Now it's the housework side of things. I don't want to give him a list of household tasks because I'm not his parent and as a grown-up he ought to be able to see what needs doing. Also I don't like having sole
responsibility of keeping an overview of everything and organising all 4 people in this house because, to be honest, I'm a bit scatty and shit at it. We've talked about this on and off. He's now put a reminder on his phone to clean the bathroom every week (recent thing so I'm curious to see the outcome!)

But yes, I think lots of pressure comes from myself internally. Ironically my parents didn't stress about housework and I was brought up in a cluttered house (often dusty everywhere but always clean bathrooms and clothes). I think my internal pressure is a reaction to that!

Example, its 6.30, you've finished work and had a shower but realise theres nothing in for dinner.
His solution: boil an egg, make some toast and finish the lump of cheese in the fridge.
My solution: think of what to make (not chicken, we haf that yesterday), go to shops, come back, cook.

We always have enough in to make at least 3 nights meals. It comes from when I had no money and even got bags of pasta donated to me by work colleagues I was so skint.

But in this case, I'd do the egg and toast and cheese thing, in that I'd probably make cheese omelette and have that with toast.

And then book a food delivery for the next day.

So does he do the cleaning?

I'm the higher earner. - I'm a feminist. - And yet I find myself doing most of the stuff at home and I'm not sure it's his fault. - My partner works longer hours but earns less.

TBH with you, your post reads like you are more important because are the high earner. That's not how relationships work. If its such an issue, with your shorter working hours but higher income, employ someone, but frankly if you are suggesting your partner comes in and starts doing housework whilst you sit on the sofa, observing, then your relationship wont last. You're the weak link in it.

Get a cleaner.
Get your main food shop delivered each week or fortnight.
Chill.

we're a 'reverse' household too - DH does most of the housework and always has. But in our case it's because his standards are very different to mine. For example, I will happily cook, eat, sit and slob, clear up later. He HAS to wash up and clean the kitchen before he sits down. Ditto do cleaning inbetween the cleaner's visits, ironing, laundry - he hates a laundry basket with anything in it.

I realised this was a significant mismatch very early on (ie when he nearly couldn't come to bed with me for our first bonk because the washing up was not done yet...) and I made it clear I would not be changing to suit his -ocd- ways. So he does most of everything except cooking. And I do sometimes feel guilty, and I do sometimes feel irritated that he is banging round in the kitchen while I am chatting at the table. But where your approach isnt equal I'm afraid it's inevitable.

In your particular situation yes it seems you are holding yourself to high standards that you don't need to however what I hear a lot of the time on here /rl and have experienced myself is men who claim to "not see mess " and the woman ends up doing it .

Not seeing mess is all fine and dandy if you live alone but when you have kids, partner etc there has to be a compromise of what constitutes tidy and organised imo

I'm going to do a non-stealth boast here, but DH would never let it get to the point of only having an egg and cheese for dinner. He's the foodie in our house and if our fridge doesn't have enough for 3 days' worth of dinners, he'll be down to Tesco stocking up. Egg and cheese is a mid morning snack!

@castasp are you my long lost soul sister? 😂