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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if all women have experienced this?

84 replies

BrightonCalling · 05/05/2018 07:59

I'm 30.
I'm the higher earner.
I'm a feminist.
And yet I find myself doing most of the stuff at home and I'm not sure it's his fault.
My partner works longer hours but earns less.

The problem is its not actually him, its me. He doesnt care what I do or dont do, but I feel pressure to have everything "sorted". I realised yesterday (probably because I had finished reading yhe Work chapter of the Beauty Myth) that I was trying to be likw my mother, who had a career, felt pressure to be well turned out, whilst also keeping the home immaculate and cooking from scratch.

My DP is a nice normal guy and doesnt expect anything. I realise that I put myself under pressure to be and do everything (except cleaning....I dont clean 😂). Should I tell him I want us to split cooking duties (I just took over cooking everything). What about stuff like dishwasher and laundry when I work less hours? If i dont do it I feel mean, since im home anyway. But with eachthing added up, it ends up me doing all household chores, and him coming home and thats it, his day js finished.

I'm wondering on a more general level - is this pressure something all women feel, and how do you break free from it?

OP posts:

Babdoc · 05/05/2018 08:44

I didn’t have the option of splitting chores with a partner - my DH died when the kids were still in nappies.
I worked full time as a hospital doctor and did all the housework, gardening, decorating and diy.
I planned a week’s meals at a time and bought all the food in one go, as our nearest supermarket was ten miles away. (This was before the days of online food shopping and deliveries). I cooked from scratch every night. I didn’t want the kids to grow up in a dirty house eating ready meals or junk food.
I think it’s up to each couple to negotiate who does which chores, and to keep a fair balance. But it’s perfectly possible to do all of it yourself while working full time - you just need to be well organised and accept that you will be permanently tired and have no social life!

Billydessert · 05/05/2018 08:46

Agree there's no right or wrong way, only what you feel happy and comfortable with. My DP works long hours so I can afford to work part time and I'm grateful for this. IT does feel natural for me to do more house work bcos I have the time and bcos I care more about it. But I do it in my own time in my own way, to my own standards. DP is very grateful and so he should be. We're both lucky that our preferred way of living suits and compliments the others. If and when I want to work more we will pay someone to do it for us. I was brought up in a very sexist environment so the voices are there but I ignore them and get on with what I actually want to do.

Juells · 05/05/2018 08:49

I have never in my life felt that housework had anything to do with me 😧 It's lucky I don't give a shit or my life would have been very fraught.

Bekksy · 05/05/2018 08:51

I no longer give a shit so do what HAS to be done. I got to a point where I couldn't do it all and stopped! I do stuff I enjoy and love to deep clean. It's the monotony of the same thing everyday I just can't deal with it at all. It's sooo fucking boring.

My DH does give a shit (and has eventually accepted that I won't do it anymore no matter how much he nags, basically he has given up on me.... It took around 10 years.... for the first 20 years I tried to be that 'perfect wife and mother . Now he does loads now, washing, cooking, gardening, you name it. He is nice!. He has always 'helped' but has got over that after being told many many times 'it's not bloody helping, it's doing your bit!!'

We both work full-time and are both high earners although I earn more. His mother was telling him I don't do enough. He told her I earn more. She shut the fuck up.

n0ne · 05/05/2018 08:51

I don't feel it. I work less hours than DH and he's the higher earner by a magnitude of 3 but he does at least as much housework, cooking and childcare as me, sometimes more (I'm EBFing a baby so that's something he can't help with!). But then he grew up in an immaculate home (SAHM MIL) and I grew up in chaos (DM worked 3 jobs, worse-than-useless DF) so that dictates our cleanliness standards, I think. We got a cleaner when DC2 came along - we just found it too much working 0.8FTE (me) and 0.9FTE (DH) with 2 small kids. Dinner is last-minute takeaway 1-2x a week. Meh, whatever.

MrsJBaptiste · 05/05/2018 08:59

PurpleWithRed Oh dear, I'm like your OH and reading your post has made me realise how annoying this probably is!

I need to have the kitchen clear and tidy before I can sit down and watch telly and will often be hoovering and dusting when I could be sat outside in the sun, just because it's "cleaning day".

I'm not sure why I'm like this as my mum and sister aren't bothered at all and their houses are much more untidy than mine. That doesn't bother me at all, I don't see mess at other people's houses, I just like mine to be sorted for me to be able to relax.

MrsDilber · 05/05/2018 09:04

You don't have to cook from scratch all the time. I'd look at the better ranges of ready meals or take out to take the pressure off a bit.

Talk to him about it.

Summertime45 · 05/05/2018 09:06

I work part time anf DH full time with a demanding job; 2 children. I am the one who coordinate the majority of the house stuff and children activities; DH is happy to help, go to the shops and do things but I have to tell him, he is also happy to eat a light meal or snack if I don't feel like cooking. The only thing I don't need to tell him is tidying up the kitchen; he is also good a playing with the children and entertain them. He is just not very well house trained.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 09:06

Working (paid work) long hours can often have pay offs, so it’s not a given that the one working shorter hours should do more.

It’s not great to be doing all the cooking IMO. Not essential to eat together all the time either.

If you don’t think he does a fair share of domestic work now, raise it. If you plan to marry and have DC there will be less time and more domestic work, plus parenting, so things will need reviewing.

howthelightgetsin · 05/05/2018 09:07

I kind of think it’s more the job of the person who works outside the home the least, irrespective of earnings. So for instance if I’m home first I should be putting dinner on and I’d expect the return.
In reality my partner actually does probably 75% of things around the house because he’s naturally the better cook and cleans better than I do, but I do think things should be more equal.

Namechange128 · 05/05/2018 09:11

It's not just about earning - we try to make sure we have roughly equal leisure time, so if he works longer hours then it's reasonable if you pick up some extra childcare or house duties.

When I was an SAHM with one child at school and toddler home I did more than DH and we'd take turns at night - now I work hours than DH (and earn more) and has been really good for making him step up more around the house - also for making me realise what is actually really important.

Summertime45 · 05/05/2018 09:13

We also have a cleaner once a week and and an ironing lady as I don't like to do any of those things. I coordinate it though. Happy to cook, shop, tidy up and do other things though.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 05/05/2018 09:19

Brighton I think you're partly right in that you're putting pressure on yourself for everything to be 'perfect' BUT it sounds as though he needs to pull his weight more as well. I think I'd take the approach of 1. Share 2. Streamline 3. Outsource

Split the week so that night about you are each responsible for providing dinner - this can be in the form of full cooked meal, simple supper or takeaway and it is up to whoever's night it is to organise and provide this. The other partner does dishwasher / cleans up.

Get shopping delivered (even box fresh type thing if you think it might suit you)

Get a weekly cleaner (assuming you can afford it) to do deep clean of kitchen and bathrooms and Hoover and mop all floors, dust and clean things like fridge and cooker.

Send your ironing out.

Do laundry at the weekend, and if you wash and dry he has to fold and put away.

You're making life very hard for yourself so anything that can be made someone else's responsibility then so much the better

Mrsmadevans · 05/05/2018 09:22

Only you can stop yourself feeling like you have to be superwoman. Have a go at doing what DH says and see how it goes.

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 05/05/2018 09:26

''I'm the higher earner.
I'm a feminist.

My partner works longer hours but earns less.''

See that is partly the problem i think, you have it locked in your head you earn more and you are the 'feminist', one thinking they are a title 'feminist', 'atheist' etc... it can become exhausting in both yourself and in others. If you see yourself as the feminist it can lead you to think you have to act a certain way and if you don't you become frustrated. It can lead you to think others need to act in a certain way and if not it becomes both exhausting and frustrating.

You need to look at it all in more a non feminist way as jus as a person and see the reality-life is never ideal, life is not equal and that goes for both sexes, people often disappoint you, situations often can disillusion us, like is not fair and again this is for both sexes-try taking away the 'feminist' viewpoint as then it leaves unrealistic expectations that everything has to be fair when it isn't and again this applies to both sexes.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 09:33

Or, you could consider whether your DP is a feminist. Many men aren’t, sadly.

Aridane · 05/05/2018 09:35

On the dinner thing, I would take the same approach as your partner or order in

OhTheRoses · 05/05/2018 09:35

You take money out of the issue and focus on time. I have done more at the home end. Overall we work as a team with different sorts of input (domestic and commercial) to achieve mutually shared output). Sometimes the output has funded sub contracted services for mutual benefit and quality of life.

DeadGood · 05/05/2018 09:42

"Its a difference in mindset.
Example, its 6.30, you've finished work and had a shower but realise theres nothing in for dinner.
His solution: boil an egg, make some toast and finish the lump of cheese in the fridge.
My solution: think of what to make (not chicken, we haf that yesterday), go to shops, come back, cook.

I mean, which approach is right?"

His.

felicitythemangyfox · 05/05/2018 09:43

Tbh I find it really sad that the OP thinks she should do less housework because she earns more, even though she works fewer hours

My partner doesn't work at all right now, but has earned far more in his career than I ever will if I work to retirement. Should I be doing the majority of the housework on top of my full time job?

(In reality we are both equally lazy, plus we have a cleaner)

MountainSkies · 05/05/2018 09:45

Labour all it shouldn’t be on earnings but on hours worked and hours in the house etc. Or who is capable of what. Or if one person genuinely likes cooking then the other takes more of the dishwasher or bills organising

gamerwidow · 05/05/2018 09:49

babdoc I don't think we should be telling people who have an able bodied partner to accept being permanently tired and having no social live so they can do everything themselves because their partner won't help. Yes of course it's possible to manage on your own as you did but that's not what being in a partnership is about.

Adversecamber22 · 05/05/2018 09:51

I was the higher earner in my previous relationship and have had cleaners on and off all my adult life as I hate it. I also have a DH who does do stuff, as he should though it took some effort on my part as he had never had to lift a finger due to his Mother being a SAHM with a housekeeper .

I would have had the approach of eating the egg and lump of cheese. To me life is too short to get too worked up about stuff like this. It's what makes many women martyrs. I would be thinking protein, protein, carb wonder if I have some frozen peas or a piece of fruit for a few more vitamins.

It is conditioning, I know so many women with your mindset, intelligent interesting women who sacrifice self fulfilment by being a slave to chores. It reminds me of women scrubbing their doorsteps in bygone times because the neighbours would judge them.

I'm lucky in that I have had cleaners which changes everything I have also used my spare time to indulge in many hobbies and interests over the years. But some of my own sisters have judged me for having a cleaner and indulging these hobbies.

gamerwidow · 05/05/2018 09:54

My DH is lazy it is the source of many arguments that I have to tell him what to do otherwise he won't do it.
I don't mind doing more chores because I work PT and he work FT (although I earn more for less hours). I do expect him to tidy up after himself and to do a job if he sees it needs doing. E.g. I shouldn't have remind to put his clothes in the wash bin or wipe up a drink he has spilled or to clean DDs teeth if he is taking her to school. Yet if I don't tell him it doesn't get done. It makes me a nag and it pisses me off.

problembottom · 05/05/2018 09:55

DP and I both are quite lazy around the house, he earns three times as much as me and I feel absolutely no pressure to do more than him. My BIL is super-anal and high-energy so he does most things around his house, my DSis is more laid back. He's the high earner. Same scenario for a friend and her DH, he gets exasperated by her mess. Gender doesn't (and very much shouldn't) even come into it and I'm a few years older than you.

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