To ask if all women have experienced this?

[BrightonCalling]

I'm 30.
I'm the higher earner.
I'm a feminist.
And yet I find myself doing most of the stuff at home and I'm not sure it's his fault.
My partner works longer hours but earns less.

The problem is its not actually him, its me. He doesnt care what I do or dont do, but I feel pressure to have everything "sorted". I realised yesterday (probably because I had finished reading yhe Work chapter of the Beauty Myth) that I was trying to be likw my mother, who had a career, felt pressure to be well turned out, whilst also keeping the home immaculate and cooking from scratch.

My DP is a nice normal guy and doesnt expect anything. I realise that I put myself under pressure to be and do everything (except cleaning....I dont clean 😂). Should I tell him I want us to split cooking duties (I just took over cooking everything). What about stuff like dishwasher and laundry when I work less hours? If i dont do it I feel mean, since im home anyway. But with eachthing added up, it ends up me doing all household chores, and him coming home and thats it, his day js finished.

I'm wondering on a more general level - is this pressure something all women feel, and how do you break free from it?

DH works much longer hours than me. When we are both at home we both pitch in with the cooking & cleaning. But if I'm there and he's not, I will do what needs doing - it's inevitable and would be petty not to, IMO.

It is a problem with the patriarchy too because when these jobs aren't done no one looks at your shit hole house and dirty kids and blames the Dad.

It sounds like you might need to adjust a bit if you don't want to burn out or start rowing about it.

Maybe get a slow cooker or a soup maker? Plan meals and get your groceries delivered. Get a cleaner. Let dp do his own washing. Get him to put the bins out. Empty the dishwasher together whilst boiling the kettle. Lots of little things iike this soon add up.

Why does how much you earn have anything to do with how much you do around the house? Surely the person with more time free should do more around the house?

I think the reason it matters is because if you ever have kids, the workload will suddenly increase massively. If he's used to you doing everything, he might 'help out' a bit, but you'll still end up doing 90% of the additional work. Because you feel you should, and because his 10% will feel like much more than he's done before. And because you both think of the housework as your domain.

You need to establish a division of labour between the two of you that makes it clear you both take responsibility for keeping your house nice. It may not matter right now, but will establish a precedent for later.

I don't feel like this. Single and childless, come from a family where my DM was often at home, but not very domesticated at all. I like to keep the place tidier than where I grew up, but I don't get the MN horror at things like a plate left on the side or the dirty washing being next to the basket, but not in it.

Nobody's on their deathbed saying they wish they did more housework.

Brighton I think you're not all that unusual and a lot of this really comes down to conditioning. You say yourself that you're probably trying to be like your mother, she's the example you had and you've absorbed the idea that you must keep all the plates spinning because that's what women do.

It's not just the influence of our own mothers or the example we're set by our parents relationship, we also get strong messages/pressure from society about that a wife/mother is. And of course men have grown up with this too, the idea that anything relating to home or children is largely the woman's domain. They too have had the "conditioning" but conveniently that actually makes life much nicer and easier for many of them . Lots of women helpfully excuse this by saying things like men just don't see the laundry basket overflowing or that there's nothing in for dinner...

I think if you feel there is an unfair division then you need to discuss that with your DH and change it. Be aware though that this doesn't mean you saying what must be done and how, you'll need to agree on what's important and it will probably be necessary to compromise if you both have different standards.

I think your earnings don't come into it. Does he genuinely need to be out of the house longer than you or is it a choice? He may think if he does an extra hour at work he will get recognised / promoted and Brighton will have picked up the slack at home, whereas if he comes home and does domestic work, there is no reward.

On the cooking thing, we have been through three phases: pre-DS - both working full-time- we cooked 50/50; DS at home, I cooked almost 100% as I worked part-time and was home first; after DS went to uni - both working full-time - DH started cooking dinner almost 100% as he finds it relaxing.

I earn more and do longer hours, my DP does more of the practical home stuff (washing, cleaning, cooking) than I do (probably 70/30 split) but I do most of the 'mental load' stuff - it's a partnership

Suggestion eat main meal when you are at work, so that you are not cooking and eating before bed time. Do a hobby or sport after work. If there is a chore that you don't like doing get your partner to do it and vice versa. How long do you spend cooking each night ? I don't have a dish washer, so why is this such a chore ? Batch cook, stir fry, omelettes, soup don't take long to cook.

Never felt this. I'm a slob who thinks my job is more important than a shiny house. Never did have a feeling that the house was more my responsibility than dh. He is currently doing more of it because I have been busy at work, when he has a busy period I'll be doing more.

The situation with the food wouldn't arise, though, because we have a joint meal planning meeting once a week and make sure everything that's needed is in the house and we both know who is cooking. If it did arise, then if one of us insisted they wanted a meal then they'd organise it but wouldn't feel hard-done-by because they would recognise that was a choice. Chances are we'd both be equally relaxed about the casual solution.

Earnings come into it when a couple has DC, eg it seems “obvious” that mothers and not fathers should go PT or SAH. It’s good that OP has a good salary, will give her more options if she has DC

We earn a vaguely similar amount but I work a few hours more.

He does pretty much all of the day to day stuff. We do our own laundry. I cook for myself during the week and he does the dishes in the morning. Cleaner does the higher stuff.

The meal thing wouldn't happen in my house as there's always plenty in. But I'd have gone with the egg and toast too because I'd rather that than start faffing about going shopping.

I am a sahm my DP works fulltime in a very stressful job. I was a working single mom for 10yrs.

I stopped working as we had to move to where dp lived. I do not see myself as a feminist but I do believe in equal rights etc. Basically just common sense and a let live attitude.

Dp even though he works does help wig washing dishes after dinner and on weekends but even when I worked fulltime I am a firm believer that men and women have their roles within a relationship. Just how I feel and was raised.

You are only 30, you have potentially another 50 years of house work. So you need to find a system that you are happy with. Perhaps it's how you think about the house that needs changing ? Do you have any hobbies or interests that you enjoy (not your job). My mum had a twin tub, it used to take a whole day to do the laundry, to wash, dry, iron. I'm grateful that I can put my washing machine on at night and with minimal effort, it's done. If you lived on your own, you would have to do everything

When dc were small and dh was building up to peak career and out of the house 14 hrs a day, sometimes 6 days a week and I was a SAHM i did everything re house and dc. I viewed schools and parents eves, pick-ups, baths, builders, shopping, dry cleaners, at one stage I even put DH's trousers in the trouser press and laid out shirt, tie, socks, etc (that was a particularly heavy year but it defined his career and our family's future). When I went to work again, dh's hours remained long and hard. I was out of the house for 8.5 hours workjng locally so I still picked up the lion's share. We both, however, were investing equal amounts of ourselves into our family team. Until recently DH earned ten times my earnings at least, more in some years.

Now DH no longer does commercial work, my career has taken off in its autumnal years and DH earns about double my salary. He is out of the house for 10-12 hours and I am out for 12-14. He pours me a glass of wine when I get in and does more dishwasher. He also, now outside London and with a large garden is very adept at outdoor sweeping and lawning and trimming. Domestic stuff is mostly subcontracted - gardening, cleaning, ironing, oven, windows, car valet, etc.

Children are grown up at nearly 20 and 23. Both will be away at uni next year

Over 30 years we have respected each other's time, talents and comfort zones and have always been equal within the relationship. Only once did I flip when the dc were small and full on and he announced he was going to a corporate footie event that morning - leaving at 11.30 and home at 9. The next weekend I announced i was going out for the day and left him with instructions re football training, party drop offs and pick-ups, addresses for the two families he was helping, what to make for tea, homework instructions, etc.

I didn't have the greatest day but strung it out until 7.30ish. Wine was poured, a takeaway ordered and it was never mentioned again. There was a little less taking for granted.

On the whole we are and have been a team and there's been little resentment. I'm away on business in a cpl of weeks and he will miss me but he will manage.

Yes

I mean, which approach is right?

Neither is wrong. Sometimes you'll do one thing, sometimes you do another.

I think you seriously need to unclench.

Why does how much you earn have anything to do with how much you do around the house? Surely the person with more time free should do more around the house?*

This. Regardless of the sexes of partners. Housework should be worked out so that both partners have equal amounts of free time.

It’s not fair if one partner works 37.5 hours a week and the other works 60 but they both do 6 hours of housework so one gets say 35 hours free time a week and the other just 12.5.

Damn straight Mightymucks

I don't think it's about sharing jobs equally. You should work it out so you have equal amount of down time.

That ignores that the person working 60 hours may be getting payoffs, eg careerwise. Not always the case of course, eg low paid work,m.

And that the person working fewer hours - but still FT as in OP’s case - may not be happy with doing more at home facilitating someone else’s domestic life (and thereby career).

Nope not me
My husband does most of the house work
I think the trick is having way more clothes than him and so he's forced to do the laundry before me

I think that it's much easier if you marry someone who has a similar 'standard' as you. If there is an imblance then the tidier person has the crap choice of either doing it all, living with the mess (as they see it), or ending up in a never ending argument about share of workload.

You need to work out what your standards are and if they time they take out of your day is worth it.

Assuming your standards are staying as they are... you say that you don't clean already, and your DH can't do much to help with your career and appearance so maybe he could do more cooking.