Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about his use of 'I'?

93 replies

YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 22:20

So DP and I were sitting down tonight talking whilst playing cards, and he said "Do you remember when I lost such-and-such game" - except he didn't lose - we did, as we played as a team.

I know it sounds a bit silly to be annoyed at this but he's talking to me and not a third party. We were both equally part of the team but it feels a bit like he's decided to write me out of history.

If this was a singular event I could get past it, but very recently he referenced our car as 'my car' (his car) - silly oversight you might think - except he didn't pay for the car, doesn't have a full license to drive a car, does not pay any of the car running costs and is not insured to drive my car (and has in fact NEVER actually driven this car).

I called him on his usage on 'I' this evening and now he's annoyed at me - AIBU?

OP posts:
lightbulbneedschanging · 05/05/2018 00:39

YANBU my ex used to to this. He would never say ‘we’, for example if he was telling someone about a day out that we had together, or future plans that we were both involved in, it was always ‘I did this’ or ‘I am doing that’.
It always used to make me feel so left out and unimportant, and he continued despite my efforts to make him see that. Unfortunately now I realise it was part of a wider problem and that his tactics were deliberate. Hence we are no longer together.

SickofThomasTheTank · 05/05/2018 02:18

Those of you saying OP is being unreasonable or over reacting - If you had a car and your DP/DH who couldn't drive, suddenly said "Oh I'm just going to get something out of my car" you're saying that wouldn't make you think Huh?! Hmm

Butterymuffin · 05/05/2018 02:35

I don't see how the car can be referred to as 'his car' at all. It'd be like me talking about 'my guitar' which is DH's, he bought it and he's the only one who can play it.

Smallhorse · 05/05/2018 02:48

He’s completely undermining you and I’d seriously reconsider my future with such a selfish person if I were you .

Just kidding , but I’m amazed no one has said that already as they ususally do on mumsnet Grin

AjasLipstick · 05/05/2018 02:51

You sound terribly insecure OP.

Stop defining yourself by your couple status.

You are you and he is he.

My friend did this....then her DH left her and she was and still is, utterly at sea.

No concept of self whatsoever.

Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 05/05/2018 02:53

*You are you and he is he.

...

No concept of self whatsoever.*

Does that concept of self not get to extend to my own belongings, out of interest? Or am I supposed to be aware of myself but be completely fine any time anyone takes ownership of my stuff or achievements?

OP posts:
thebewilderness · 05/05/2018 02:57

Sudden changes in patterns of behavior like what you are describing reflect a shift in world view.

Ownership language is an assertion of ownership.
Obviously.
I hope you can sort it out with him.

Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 05/05/2018 03:03

I’m a bit Hmm about the posters reminding me we are separate entities. I know that, hence why I would like to be acknowledged as a separate person in my own right with my own belongings.

At the very least I would like to be acknowledge as part of a team (us/we/our).

What I am unhappy about is being excluded in the entirety and DP just referring to himself. I don’t actually see why that’s unreasonable or insecure. I wouldn’t put up with someone doing that at work - why should I in my relationship?

OP posts:
Catmint · 05/05/2018 03:08

My Mum died 2 years ago, and even now my Dad sometimes still says 'we' when telling me what he's been doing. He was part of a partnership with my mum for 50 years.

I get what you are saying OP. It's not even really about the car, it's about being properly acknowledged in the partnership.

LuckyTwiglet · 05/05/2018 10:05

I totally get it. It's like a subtle or not so subtle way of suggesting that everything around him is an extension of himself. I used to work with someone who absolutely always referred to "my team" or "my staff", rather than colleagues and it's hard to explain, but the way it was done was kind of about asserting a sense of ownership and her own priority and making sure that always, everything refracted back through her and was framed with her at the centre of everything. I think if someone is always doing this it doesn't reflect very well on them and is worth pulling them up on.

TorviBrightspear · 05/05/2018 10:24

I get it, OP. The car is a particularly good example of what you're trying to describe.

If this assertion of ownership in possesions and events, etc, has come on recently, and I note you are on maternity leave, then I would just say keep an eye on the situation. Pregnancy is often a catalyst for changes in behaviour, changes that are not always positive.

I'm not saying LTB, just that you should monitor things. It might settle down and your DP goes back to his usual self once he's adjusted to having DS in his life. Just be aware.

RandomMess · 05/05/2018 10:34

He's being very odd IMHO.

I'm the sole driver, legal owner of the car etc. We both refer to it as the car!! We moved and I did most of the actual decorating - so conversations would be how we decorated the house, or I may have put up that particular wallpaper on my own.

Why does he need to claim household belongings as "his"?

GabriellaMontez · 05/05/2018 10:37

The car is weird and would piss me off.

I could understand him calling it 'ours' but calling it 'his' when he doesn't own it, pay for it or drive it is ridiculous!

Does he claim to be pregnant too!?

RandomMess · 05/05/2018 10:50

So is it HIS house, car, money...

gabsdot · 05/05/2018 10:53

My SIL does this (my brothers wife). She talks about my house, my mortgage, I did the garden etc. My brother was very much involved in all these things.

PinguDance · 05/05/2018 10:57

I’d find this annoying too. The quiz thing and the car thing - I definitely get the quiz bit, I don’t understand why he’d want to reminisce with you about something he thinks he did. Surely the point of having a reminisce with someone is to say ‘remeber when we..’ and then you both join in.

MagicFajita · 05/05/2018 10:58

I think it depends on the context op.

My exh always said things to friends and relatives like "I did this for you on Saturday" when it was actually me that did the work. He also constantly refered to things as being his rather than ours. He was an asshat though, hence the divorce.

If it's just a random slip of the tongue then it probably means nothing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 11:16

The car thing is actually a good example. It’s “my wife’s / our / the car”. I’d feel demeaned and “owned” if dh talked like this regularly. I think you pulled him up on the wrong thing.

pigsDOfly · 05/05/2018 11:18

AjasLipstick I think the OP is saying the exact opposite of wanting always to identify herself and her DP as a couple with no concept of self. Otherwise surely she'd be perfectly happy for him to take credit for the loss of the game and her car, which he cannot drive.

I can understand why this is irritating OP.

When I was married to my now, exh his mother would refer to our house as 'his' house when talking to me, as in 'we (her family) are going to Micheal's (not his name) house for dinner on Tuesday' as if I didn't even live there.

I used to ignore it because she would have known that it annoyed me and she would also have known that I was the one who bought the ingredient and made the dinner and cleared up afterwards; lazy bastard never lifted a finger.

So yes, it is annoying.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 11:22

Yanbu.

Are you actually happy with your financial set up, and what you are respectively contributing?

Dozer · 05/05/2018 11:24

If A was talking to a friend, B, about an activity the two had done together and used “I”, A would be considered rude at best.

IamAporcupine · 05/05/2018 14:07

@AjasLipstick
You sound terribly insecure OP.
Stop defining yourself by your couple status.
You are you and he is he.

Well, according to OP's DH
He is he
They are also he
and she is we!!

Not sure how is the OP the one who has the problem?

HollowTalk · 05/05/2018 14:13

I absolutely agree with you, OP. And I think he doesn't see you as a partnership and he sees himself as superior in the relationship. I'd be amazed if there weren't more examples of this.

LemonysSnicket · 05/05/2018 15:46

My sister does this. She says ‘my mum’ when talking about our mum. It’s just a slip of the tongue tbh. Maybe different for you

LemonysSnicket · 05/05/2018 15:57

Although actually it does grate a bit when she does it