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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about his use of 'I'?

93 replies

YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 22:20

So DP and I were sitting down tonight talking whilst playing cards, and he said "Do you remember when I lost such-and-such game" - except he didn't lose - we did, as we played as a team.

I know it sounds a bit silly to be annoyed at this but he's talking to me and not a third party. We were both equally part of the team but it feels a bit like he's decided to write me out of history.

If this was a singular event I could get past it, but very recently he referenced our car as 'my car' (his car) - silly oversight you might think - except he didn't pay for the car, doesn't have a full license to drive a car, does not pay any of the car running costs and is not insured to drive my car (and has in fact NEVER actually driven this car).

I called him on his usage on 'I' this evening and now he's annoyed at me - AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 04/05/2018 22:50

I dunno how you can be bothered to care Op , surely you have a brilliant life if this is the kind of stuff that is upsetting you.

Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 22:53

Thank you for your comment, @Mrsmadevans, but luckily like most people I can be concerned about children dying, struggling to pay bills on Mat leave, issues with my DF, celebrity drama and the way my DP uses pronouns all once.

But thank you anyway Flowers

OP posts:
SaltyPeanut · 04/05/2018 22:54

I hear where you're coming from but I'm afraid to say you will likely have to get used to it if you want to stay in the relationship. He probably won't stop doing it. Mine has barely used the word "we" in nearly thirty years. Pisses me off something fierce sometimes. He occasionally uses we now but it took years of me giving him the stink eye while saying "got the I-Is again have we?".

Userme · 04/05/2018 22:56

You’d hate me OP. I call ‘our’ bed ‘my’ bed even when DH is there. I also say ‘my room’ not our room.

I say this because they are mine.
They are also ours.
They are also his.

When I got together with DH we did not become one entity and when things or events have multiple ‘ownership’ I’d be annoyed at being pulled up on what word I used. Many things are both mine and ours at the same time. I’m not reducing that by picking either turn of phrase.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 04/05/2018 22:56

It would annoy me too. It’s like he’s forgotten you.

Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 22:58

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds this annoying.

It's not a deal breaker by any means but I would just like to recognised for my contribution into our life - especially when he is actually talking to me.

I've had no help from my family and had to build up everything myself so I suppose it bothers me when someone else wants to take full ownership for everything in my life. It sometimes just makes me feel a bit worthless.

Maybe I am being a little bit silly as he's generally lovely about most things. I'd just like to be recognised for what I have added.

OP posts:
Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 23:00

When I got together with DH we did not become one entity and when things or events have multiple ‘ownership’ I’d be annoyed at being pulled up on what word I used.

But by that exact sentence, would you not be annoyed if someone claimed ownership over one of your belongings (in the situation the car is 100% mine)?

OP posts:
Sinkingswimmer · 04/05/2018 23:08

I understand why you're annoyed. But unless it's a symptom of a bigger problem in your relationship you should probably just ignore it.

My DH does this too. For example, he may say something like 'I'm going on my holiday soon' when he means 'we are going on our holiday soon'. It annoys me a little as I wouldn't say it that way, and it makes him sound quite selfish and inconsiderate.
He doesn't mean to be ignorant though so in the grand scheme of things it's an insignificant offence

DontCallMeCharlotte · 04/05/2018 23:15

I'm quite often guilty of talking about my wedding... to my DH. It warrants no more than a raised eyebrow.

And if I were you, I'd let him take the sole blame for losing a game Wink

steff13 · 04/05/2018 23:27

But by that exact sentence, would you not be annoyed if someone claimed ownership over one of your belongings (in the situation the car is 100% mine)?

We have two cars. We generally refer to the one I primarily drive as my car and the one my husband primarily drives as his car. In truth, we're a partnership and they're shared vehicles. Neither of them is 100% mine or his, regardless of who paid for them or who they're registered to.

KurriKurri · 04/05/2018 23:27

I'd find it quite annoying too. My XH used to like to take credit for things he;d had nothing to do with - like 'we've done a lot of work on the garden this summer' when he hadn't lifted a finger and I'd done all of it, or 'We've just repainted this room' when again he'd had no involvement. He was also very much a 'what's mine is mine, what's yours is ours' kind of person. He wouldn't let anyone touch his stuff, but he used to lend things of mine to other people without asking me.
It's bloody arrogant IMO.

But he was tit in other ways too, hence him being an X.

IamAporcupine · 04/05/2018 23:31

I totally understand why it bothers you. He is somehow excluding you.

(It would be even more obvious if you'd won that game you mention!)

Has he always used I/my in this way?

Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 23:34

@steff13

I feel like I’m pulling to much attention to the car thing, but again in your example it’s a bit different. I have no issue (and would even encourage) DP to call it our car, but it irks me a bit when he refers to it as his car and can’t even drive IYSWIM.

@KurriKurri - it’s funny you should say that. DP did the same on the recent redecorating of the living room (I did it, he claimed we did) and the bedroom was his achievement (we both painted it).

I actually don’t think he does it deliberately but I do think it is quite thoughtless/selfish.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 04/05/2018 23:35

It sounds like something more may be going on OP, than him just using 'I' on this occasion. My DP always talks about 'his' lawn and 'his' fence. Annoying. Do I not live here?

Userme · 04/05/2018 23:39

YayImALlamaAgain

I don’t think I’d be annoyed as such if DH called my car his car. More that I would think it odd as we each have a car of our own. His is his and mine is mine. These are not shared.

If he called my car his is point out his mistake and move on. Hardly worth headspace to me that one since generally he never encroaches on my personal things.

If your DH is doing this to the point that it upsets you then he needs to try to stop. But I suppose it wouldn’t bother me that much.

You could compare it to when siblings talk to each other and say “my dad” etc ... as an only child I have pondered this one myself.

IamAporcupine · 04/05/2018 23:43

I don’t think I’d be annoyed as such if DH called my car his car. More that I would think it odd as we each have a car of our own. His is his and mine is mine.

That makes sense, but it is totally different to OP's situation - she is the only one who has a car (and drives!). Why does he call it his car?!

LineyErgoSum · 04/05/2018 23:44

He hasn't even passed a driving test.

His car? Really?

Userme · 04/05/2018 23:46

Exactly. A one off I’d be thinking how odd. Repeatedly doing it I’d think it was time for a reminder of who owns the car and to stop being a CF.

Mxyzptlk · 04/05/2018 23:46

"Do you remember when I lost such-and-such game"

Yes, you totally let the team down and lost the whole thing for us. Grin

Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 23:51

@IamAporcupine I’m not sure if he’s always done it or I’m just more acutely aware for whatever reason (on Mat leave, only had the house for the past year etc.)

I think he may have always done this but it was in reference to his family before - now we have a house and DS his ownership and has shifted elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
YayImALlamaAgain · 04/05/2018 23:52

@Mxyzptlk 😂

OP posts:
IamAporcupine · 04/05/2018 23:56

oh, you just had a baby?!
Is he feeling left out? Maybe he is trying to make himself more important somehow?

echt · 04/05/2018 23:57

YANBU. Language is important. I'd be pissed off too.

Ruffian · 05/05/2018 00:20

I wouldn't like it either and I'd be even less impressed at his sulky reaction to having it pointed out.

RafikiIsTheBest · 05/05/2018 00:28

I get where you're coming from OP.
It annoys me when DP takes credit or ownership of something that is mine, whether that be me doing the hard graft or him claiming MY car.
But I think sometimes it's just a turn of phrase, but he shouldn't be in a sulk about it.
Maybe try to talk to him about it another time, once he's finished his sulk.