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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have threatened to leave DH over this

76 replies

windermerebell · 03/05/2018 22:20

My DH is a good husband and a good father most of the time. The problem comes when we have an argument. He will throw something or hit something (not a person) and basicly have a tantrum. (He never does this in front of DS) He will also then say things like “I don’t know how we have got to this” and “how can we carry on like this” or “shall I just go and never come back”. Also he very rarely admits responsibility and it’s my fault he throws things as I make him frustrated.
We very rarely argue but when we do he acts like the above and makes out we have huge marriage problems. 9 times out of 10 he will threaten to leave.

I have delt with this in the past by completely ignoring him but tonight I have had enough.

I have told him if he throws or hits one more thing he is out the door, he looked shocked as I don’t say things unless I mean them. I have come up to bed and told him he has till tomorrow to think about it. I am willing and am prepared to end this marriage over his and I know I will be ok. I have a supportive family and great friends of which he has neither.

I just want to make sure I would not be unreasonable to end it

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 03/05/2018 22:24

Is the house jointly owned?

MrsDeathOfRats · 03/05/2018 22:26

Totally totally totally totally reasonable

MrsDeathOfRats · 03/05/2018 22:28

That behaviour is unacceptable. And you think DS doesn't know about it but he does. I was certain my DD had no idea what was going on but she heard/said/experienced so much.

Do not back down. He will need help though, people don't just stop this type of behaviour, and if they do manage to just snaps fingers stop. I would worry about that.

PositivelyPERF · 03/05/2018 22:28

Well done, OP. The fact that he doesn’t do it in front of your child is very telling. Stupid man.

duckingfisaster · 03/05/2018 22:29

You are being totally reasonable, stick to your guns OP & maybe next time he won’t act like a toddler (or you won’t have to deal with it as he’ll be throwing his toys elsewhere...)

LizzieSiddal · 03/05/2018 22:29

Of course you wouldn’t be unreasonable to end the marriage over this.

You’ve done the right thing in telling him he either stops this violent behaviour or he goes. Good for you!

My Dh had a terrible temper, I too got fed up and told him one day I’d had enough and was leaving. He really didn’t want that and agreed to go to therapy. He made an appointment that day and it has been hugely helpful. Maybe your H would agree to go and see someone?

Maelstrop · 03/05/2018 22:31

So he can control himself in front of the dc but lets rip in front of you? Strikes me as controlling, abusive, which I know is the Pavlovian mumsnet response, but the clear difference of not doing it in front of the dc is very telling.

Good on you, OP, I hope (but really doubt) that he will make a big change. Good luck!

BMW6 · 03/05/2018 22:32

Well done OP. Mean it.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2018 22:33

YANBU

The fact he never hits things or throws things in front of your DS, makes me think he's either

A.) Quite calculating and doing it purely to intimidate you (the complete opposite of a tantrum)

Or

B.) You're kidding yourself and he'll soon start doing this in front of your DS and scaring the shit out of the poor kid.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/05/2018 22:37

Don't threaten, do it.

Ghanagirl · 03/05/2018 22:37

Yes, if you're unhappy please leave as I'm pretty sure things will get worse...

Puffycat · 03/05/2018 22:39

He is behaving like a petulant child. I couldn’t live with that.
I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg, I’m sure there are other things going on that you haven’t shared.
Your choice op, but doesn’t sound like a good marriage tbh

KriticalSoul · 03/05/2018 22:43

you are not unreasonable at all.

My ex did this.. got to the point I would just yell 'you know where the door is don't let it hit your ass on the way out' back at him.. funnily enough, once I started calling his bluff, he stopped doing it.

Didn't fix his abusive temper though. Glad I left.

justabunchofbunting · 03/05/2018 22:43

You are being totally reasonable. He has serious anger management problems that he needs to take responsibility for and deal with. If he wont do that then leave him because its abusive to behave like this and not do anything about it.

Knittedfairies · 03/05/2018 22:43

If he can control his temper tantrums in front of your child, he can control his tantrums, full stop.

gamerchick · 03/05/2018 22:46

You should have done it sooner.

You need to be able to follow it through though, it’s a habit and he may find it hard to break but good luck.

Tomorrow give him another talk while it’s calm. He needs to know where the clear line is drawn.

BewareOfDragons · 03/05/2018 22:46

YANBU.

I imagine he controls himself at work and in public. And you know he controls himself in front of your DS. So it's just you he's trying to intimidate and scare into submission when he feels like he's losing control (or face/pride in an argument).

CaptainNelson · 03/05/2018 22:50

Your DS will know what's going on. And your DH will end up doing it in front of him, even if he doesn't now (believe me, I've been there). I get your anger and frustration completely, and it also seems to me that you seem quite decided about this, even though you say DH is a good husband and father most of the time. So perhaps this is just the tip of a much larger iceberg of behavioural issues (in my case it certainly was). Do what's best for you and your DS. Good luck.

Wdigin2this · 03/05/2018 22:53

Sounds like some sort of MH problem, maybe he needs counceling/therapy. Anyway, first step, to see his doctor perhaps?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 03/05/2018 22:55

YADNBU. Things like this were the beginning of the end for me and ex. I can look back now and see the pattern of control that started it all, but once it got to the throwing/smashing stage with me just meekly accepting it, there was only ever going to be one outcome - being physically attacked.

You were completely right to tell him his behaviour is out of order, and it will have consequences if he doesn't change. It's so hard to step outside of what you feel is 'normal' behaviour, and challenge it, even if that does mean something lifechanging, in either respect. Stick to your guns. You've told him now - how he reacts to that will tell you everything.

Idontdowindows · 03/05/2018 23:02

You are not unreasonable. Not at all.

SpottedOnMN · 03/05/2018 23:03

My ex was like this but without the hitting/throwing - lovely most of the time but completely disproportionate response when we argued. Turns out it wasn't disproportionate from his point of view, he was constantly pushing down frustrations and then would erupt when he couldn't any longer. I wish I'd insisted on marriage counselling before he'd mentally got past the point of no return.

Factor in the violence of your DH's response and I really think you need couples therapy, or he needs therapy alone. As PPs have said, such violence can escalate.

Original poster
windermerebell · 03/05/2018 23:04

I would fully admit on here if there was anything else but it is just these tamturn outbursts.
Apart from that is he great, I have disabilities and he is great with that, he has so much patience and he has really encouraged me and supported me. He makes me laugh, we have fun together and he adores DS and has done more then his fair share with night wakings and everything else that does with having a kid.

I have seizures and lack of slept is a trigger so as I said he has done more then his fair share and never complained.
I would say these tantrums happen about 4 times a year but I feel if they carry on it will be a deal breaker. I am worried DS will cotton on to what is happening (if he has not done already).

OP posts:
Original poster
windermerebell · 03/05/2018 23:05

It weird that fit some things he has all the patience in the world and then bam he erupts over something stupid.

OP posts:
TuTru · 03/05/2018 23:05

Good for you!
🤞🏻