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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have threatened to leave DH over this

76 replies

windermerebell · 03/05/2018 22:20

My DH is a good husband and a good father most of the time. The problem comes when we have an argument. He will throw something or hit something (not a person) and basicly have a tantrum. (He never does this in front of DS) He will also then say things like “I don’t know how we have got to this” and “how can we carry on like this” or “shall I just go and never come back”. Also he very rarely admits responsibility and it’s my fault he throws things as I make him frustrated.
We very rarely argue but when we do he acts like the above and makes out we have huge marriage problems. 9 times out of 10 he will threaten to leave.

I have delt with this in the past by completely ignoring him but tonight I have had enough.

I have told him if he throws or hits one more thing he is out the door, he looked shocked as I don’t say things unless I mean them. I have come up to bed and told him he has till tomorrow to think about it. I am willing and am prepared to end this marriage over his and I know I will be ok. I have a supportive family and great friends of which he has neither.

I just want to make sure I would not be unreasonable to end it

OP posts:

NobodysChild · 03/05/2018 23:09

Sounds like it's 6 of this and half a dozen of the other. You do have problems! You blame him and he blames you. Seems funny that it never happens in front of the child. Is that because the 'arguments' start when DS is in bed? Everybody has a breaking point and it seems that your husband is reaching his, and rather than lashing out and hurting anyone, he's venting his frustration by throwing things. He sees his only option is to walk and you see your only option is to throw him out. I think for the sake of your DS, you should go your separate ways.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2018 23:09

It is HIGH TIME you have laid down an ultimatum. The way he behaves is completely unacceptable, and I can promise that he will behave this way in front of your child eventually. You are being held as a hostage to his emotional terrorism. No one should live this way. He either grows the fuck up, or he gets the fuck out. That is his only option.

ohfourfoxache · 03/05/2018 23:17

His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Yanbu at all, but I do think you are a little u not to have raised this before - you have put up with way more than you should have already

mikado1 · 03/05/2018 23:27

My dh can be like this with the highly stressed responses to Amy kind of a difficult discussion - 'I can't believe we're in this situation 'I can't deal with this right now' (ever), vv reactive personality. He has been to counselling, not enough imo, and it all leads back to his upbringing, never being heard etc. He also throws things at times by usually when alone (having left the room instead of staying to talk). I have also told him it's not on but have recently said we need counselling together.

lambdroid · 03/05/2018 23:28

My dad breaks things/throws things etc. He never did it to or at me or anybody in the family. He also sometimes does the petulant ‘woe is me’ stuff. He did it in front of me (and because of me) when I was a young teenager.

He gets stressed and isn’t good at expressing it but I don’t personally see it as a big problem and certainly not a thing to leave somebody over. Not ideal, but not awful. I’m fine and not damaged by his outbursts. He’d never do it to a person.

I had an ex who threw a glass at my head and out his fist through a wall. I left pretty quickly. It’s not the same thing, in my experience.

I think it’s an awkward question to ask online as I don’t personally think it’s black and white: I never felt unsafe with my dad. I did with my ex.

Chesntoots · 03/05/2018 23:34

My dad used to behave like this. Stropping off and saying he wasn't coming back.

It used to upset my brother and me but then we got to the stage of "oh good. We can watch stuff on tv now".

It is manipulative and childish and you do absolutely the right thing in not tolerating it.

Notthemessiah · 03/05/2018 23:39

Far too little to go on, but that never stopped the Ltb brigade on mumsnet. Are you ever afraid of his outbursts? Do you feel he hits things rather than hitting you, or simply out of frustration? Neither are good but they are very different things - only the first would be instant reason to leave him.

If it's the latter though, Have you tried to get to the bottom of why he feels this way so that maybe you can both try to change it? Yes of course you could leave him but I presume you do have feelings for him still - if you don't think it's worth even trying to sort things out first then sounds like your relationship isn't worth that much to you. Might as well split regardless.

UserV · 03/05/2018 23:49

No Mental health problem here, just a pathetic manchild who sulks and pouts and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his own way.

Seen it many times before, lots of men are like this (especially when they are younger,) and the women allow it, enable it, and tolerate it, and it sometimes doesn't stop.

He will probably never change. Leave.

UmmKultum · 03/05/2018 23:51

I wouldn't leave a marriage that is good in so many other ways because of this (unless you do feel scared).
That said, behaviour is unacceptable. I'd go to marriage counselling or make dh go to amger mamagement. Learning strategies to argue could really help.
You have a dc, you both owe it to the child to try to make this work

LeChatDeNuit · 03/05/2018 23:53

”shall I just go and never come back”

This is word for word what my ex used to say during a row. He would also throw/smash/hit things but was proud of the fact his anger was only aimed at ‘inanimate objects’. I never thought he would physically hurt me until he drove aggressively during an argument and I suffered whiplash. That shocked him, but not enough to change.

Can YOU carry on like this?

UserV · 03/05/2018 23:53

@Notthemessiah

far too little to go on but that never stops the Ltb brigade on mumsnet.

What on earth on you on about?

The OP said herself that she is leaving! It's in her original post AND the thread title!

If you're going to slag people off, at least get your facts straight!

MissConductUS · 04/05/2018 00:00

How odd that this tantrum behavior doesn't ever happen with his boss at work and almost certainly wouldn't happen with a police officer if he was pulled over for speeding.

Llanali · 04/05/2018 00:03

I don’t know. For me personally:

If I never felt that he would physically endanger me, or another living being (kick the cat for example!) then I might think that it wasn’t worth losing all the good stuff for something that happens only 4 times a year.

If you feel threatened then that’s different of course. But four times a year t me is rare, and I’d balance that against the part where he made me happy, and was a good partner with regard to my health and parenting etc.

Justaboy · 04/05/2018 00:04

LOL MIssconduct! very much the case in these instances;!

Suppose some never grow up;?.

IndieTara · 04/05/2018 00:07

Op this is how my marriage actually ended. It was the absolute last straw

MumofBoysx2 · 04/05/2018 00:13

Maybe as a condition to staying with him is that he goes on an anger management course.

KriticalSoul · 04/05/2018 00:32

Doesn't matter how rare it happens.

He makes a conscious choice that its ok to behave like that.. He doesn't do it at work, with his mates, with authority figures. There is some point during his argument with you that HE GIVES HIMSELF PERMISSION to behave that way.

That needs addressing.

Original poster

windermerebell · 04/05/2018 05:45

I have tried many times to get to the bottom of it but he won’t discuss it.

When I try to talk to him he says I am talking to him like he is a child.
He was very pandered to as a child and his outbursts went unchecked and were even seen as funny.

No he has never had an outburst with his boss

OP posts:

Windthebobbinup1982 · 04/05/2018 06:25

How odd that this tantrum behavior doesn't ever happen with his boss at work and almost certainly wouldn't happen with a police officer if he was pulled over for speeding.

Come on, I’m not defending his actions, and I think he needs to recognise that he has some anger management issues, but honestly, how many of us always behave as well in front of our spouses as we would behave in public? Who of us has never expressed anger (perhaps not breaking things like the OP’s DH) in our homes to our DPs in ways that we wouldn’t dream of doing to a policeman or such like? Does that make it right? No, but we’re human.

Only you can really know of course, but from what you’ve written, if you don’t feel physically threatened, given he’s generally a good husband and father, and this only happens a few times a year, then I’d be inclined to talk sternly with him about it and tell him he needs to control his anger, but it’s not a LTB issue in itself.

seventh · 04/05/2018 06:31

When I try to talk to him he says I am talking to him like he is a child.

That'd be because he's acting like one.

He has serious emotional issues re being wrong and taking responsibility, also issues re confrontation and arguments

I'd get rid unless he sees a counsellor to work these out. Could take a while.

MrsCrabbyTree · 04/05/2018 07:08

My dad was like this till the day he died. Lost count of things that he broke in a fit of temper. In later years I used to tell him that he was behaving like a toddler.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 04/05/2018 07:15

I gew uo with a father that did this in front of us kids. I also had an abusive ex.

So possibly I have low standards here!

But he pulls his weight, does more than his share of stuff, helps you, is a good dad AND makes you laugh?

I wouldn’t chuck a good marriage away over this, no. He sounds like a good guy with a lot of frustration.

It isn’t acceptable and I would call his bluff... and say it has to stop or he needs counselling.

My current DH has anger issues - recently bereaved - not throwing stuff but losing his cool far too often. I basically sat him down and said enough was enough and I was getting him a counsellor. He was drinking at night to help his grief. I threatened to leave. Anyway, he has sorted himself out since then.

I wouldn’t throw an otherwise good marriage away lightly. Everyone has faults and there are rocky patches.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 04/05/2018 07:41

What Worra said really. If he has the self-control not to behave like this in front of your son, it is because he has the awareness that his behaviour is aggressive and intimidating.
He has self-control and he has awareness so it’s time he started to exercise self-control for you too. It doesn’t seem as though anything will change unless you require it. Stand firm op.

Windthebobbinup1982 · 04/05/2018 07:53

The fact that he doesn’t do it in front of your child is very telling. Stupid man.

Telling of what? Surely it’s a good thing that he keep hold of his frustrations around your children!

If a husband is exactly the same in front of the children as he is with his wife (or vice versa) with regard to the frustrations and issues that arise in every relationship, that’s surely an issue. If I’m angry with my DP, then we may well have some cross words or maybe an argument... this doesn’t happen often and doesn’t tend to lead to breakages (though it has happened on a few occasions over 14 years together), but we deliberately keep those frustrations away from the children (though again rarely this hasn’t happened to our shame).

I wonder whether these ‘holier than thou’ people who tend to pipe up in these kind of AIBUs actually exist!

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2018 08:05

I hope you're serious about leaving him if he continues to act like this op

It's only a matter of time before one of those things he throws hits you or your child. He sounds like a toddler. Has he always been like this?

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