To have threatened to leave DH over this

[windermerebell]

My DH is a good husband and a good father most of the time. The problem comes when we have an argument. He will throw something or hit something (not a person) and basicly have a tantrum. (He never does this in front of DS) He will also then say things like “I don’t know how we have got to this” and “how can we carry on like this” or “shall I just go and never come back”. Also he very rarely admits responsibility and it’s my fault he throws things as I make him frustrated.
We very rarely argue but when we do he acts like the above and makes out we have huge marriage problems. 9 times out of 10 he will threaten to leave.

I have delt with this in the past by completely ignoring him but tonight I have had enough.

I have told him if he throws or hits one more thing he is out the door, he looked shocked as I don’t say things unless I mean them. I have come up to bed and told him he has till tomorrow to think about it. I am willing and am prepared to end this marriage over his and I know I will be ok. I have a supportive family and great friends of which he has neither.

I just want to make sure I would not be unreasonable to end it

@UserV - Not very bright are you?

The OP said herself that she is leaving! It's in her original post AND the thread title

No she didn't and no it isnt - she is here in AIBU to ask for opininions (the clue is in the name) as to whether she is being unreasonable to have threatened to leave (she's not even asking if she would be unreasonable to leave).

Also ironic that you should tell me to get my facts straight before slagging people off (and a mild jibe at people saying ltb is hardly that) when you singularly failed to do so yourself before properly having a go.

You seem to have some anger issues - might have thought it would make you a bit more sympathetic towards the husband here.

Anyone suggesting you H has anger management issues and needs anger management counselling is wrong.

He isn't angry. He chooses very carefully when to display this behaviour, and when not to display it.

He is an abuser.

Who do the things he throws/hits belong to?

He's a bully and a headworker. I think you'd find the Freedom Programme quite enlightening, it's online if you can't get to a group x

nobodyschild seriously????

He is an abuser.

This word gets bandied about far too easily on here to cover anything that isn’t exemplary behaviour.... I’m guessing it’s done by those who have genuinely been abused who are understandably super-sensitive to signs of anger and potential aggression.

He does have a problem, and the OP rightly has issues with him over it.... but let’s get this in perspective. He loses his temper a few times a year and says some stuff in the heat of the moment that smacks of momentary exasperation rather than being cruel taunts. Yes, he needs to work on his anger management, but if he’s not showing any aggression to the OP and if the OP isn’t afraid that he will (only OP will know the detail), then that’s not abuse, just poor behaviour.

He chooses very carefully when to display this behaviour, and when not to display it.

In all honesty, which of us doesn’t show a less restrained behaviour to our partners? Not breaking things perhaps - I’m not for a moment defending that - but to suggest he’s somehow being abusive because he behaves differently in the presence of his wife than he does when his children are around is disingenuous... people in glass houses etc.

Windthebobbinup1982, he uses his temper to shut down arguments. It's showing his Wife that he is bigger and stronger than him. Rather than take it to far, he then emotionally blackmails her by saying he will leave.

He is great, until the OP has a different opinion than him. Then he threatens to never come back, a tactic used to scare Women into thinking that will be a complete LP, unless they behave.

""I’m guessing it’s done by those who have genuinely been abused who are understandably super-sensitive to signs of anger and potential aggression. ""

No, it's those, like yourself, who is minimising this behaviour, who have become conditioned to accept being the subject of Male Tempers.

He holds her responsible for his behaviour, that's dangerous, because unless he takes responsibility, he won't change and it he feels it needs escalating, then it'll still be her fault.

The point about changing behaviour, is a valid one. Men come into conflict with each other every day. Work stuff, Neighbour/Parking squabbles and over Sport. They handle them reasonably. It tends to be only about their Wives that they lose full control.

He doesn't have a temper, or the OP would be discussing Work/Friends issues, as well.

The OP shouldn't have to bite her tongue, to not get a reaction. Having to ignore this will be having an internal effect on her. When you are told that your valid arguments deserve a violent reaction and you will be left, if you try to discuss this, your self esteem starts to be eradicated.

No, it's those, like yourself, who is minimising this behaviour, who have become conditioned to accept being the subject of Male Tempers.

Females have bad tempers too! He behaves like an arse a few times a year. The OP is right to tackle her DH about it, and to insist he does something about it.... but who hasn’t behaved like an arse at times with their DP?

ime both sexes lose their shit sometimes in relationships... it’s not a male thing. It becomes a major issue if the other side feels threatened or it is so severe it blights the overall relationship. It seems to be the latter in this case and the OP is right to tackle it, but this isn’t OMG, this is an abusive male LTB immediately territory.

Gave this ultimatum, same issue (although twice a month). She stopped for six months, then it started happening once a week.

Have not now been shouted at, had anything thrown at me, or asked to leave in the middle of the night for three years and I cannot now believe I put up with it for so long. It's a weight I didn't realise I was carrying. You won't regret drawing this line.

Windthebobbinup, when you're an arse to your DP, do you then tell him it was his fault?

Abuse is not really about aggression. It's much more to do with power and control at the expense of the other person.

And he doesn't have an anger management problem. People with anger management problems really do lose their rag with a range of people. Not just their partner.

I think he needs counselling to be able to release his stress before he gets to breaking point.Perhaps you need to look at your own role too.
Normally when one partner is very stressed the otherrecognises this and tries to calm them or walks away.
In bad relationships the other partner is like a dog with a bone and keeps goading the stressed one until s/he explodes.

I agree with Windthebobbinup1982 calling every type of poor behaviour abuse is a bit silly. We cannot possi my have enough information from the OP to say he is abusive. We know he loses his temper every now and then and acts like a petulant child. Not every relationship where there are arguments is abusive and not every man who can't manage his anger is controlling.

OP I don't think you were unreasonable to threaten to leave as long as you mean it. Could you talk to him about anger management or counselling? Do you think he is struggling with stress or something?

So according to some posters, OP should put her unhappiness aside, trend on egg shells in her own home, tolerate being screamed at and disrespected by the man who is meant to love her, and be content being his verbal punch bag because he doesn’t hit her, and is therefore a Good Man.

When her son turns out the same, I’m sure she’ll then be labelled as One of Those Women who didn’t correct her sons behaviour.

No one would tolerate that kind of behaviour at work with their boss, so why the fuck should anyone accept it in their own home?

Does be throw and break anything he sees or does it happen to be always something belonging to you.

This is a serious question

So according to some posters, OP should put her unhappiness aside, trend on egg shells in her own home, tolerate being screamed at and disrespected by the man who is meant to love her...

I don’t think anyone is saying this. According to the Op, her DH has a strop a few times each year and behaves like a petulant child. She shouldn’t accept this and she’s doing the right thing putting her foot down... but whereas some people minimise these things, there’s a tendency to maximise too, especially when, of course, we only hear one side of the story in here.

I don’t suppose the OP is a paragon of virtue in these arguments. That doesn’t excuse her DH, but there are normally two sides to these things.

I have spoken to DH today and I haven’t showed him this thread but I have told him about it. He was defensive at first but then broke down and admitted he had a problem. He had made an appointment with the doctor and is going to get help, he rang up there and then.

Hoping we can move forward but he knows I will go if it carries on. He knows I have a fab support network and would cope without him. Fingers crossed

There are two sides. He is throwing things, she is not.

He is blaming her for his behaviour. That's the point at which it's sensible to give up on the "two sides to every story" theory. Abusers love that theory, though. Because it gives them an opportunity to focus on their partner's side and ignore the effect of their actions.

I don't think every bit of poor behaviour is abusive. But I do think that throwing things, reacting disproportionately to disagreements and refusing to apologise or take responsibility are all indications that he doesn't see her as his equal. Indications. Not a definite thing. But quite likely.

As it’s turned out I am glad DH & I are still together but looking back I have no idea why I tolerated his shitty treatment of me for so long. It was never physical but I was his emotional punchbag. The threatening to leave really messed with my head. Also the complete inability to accept responsibility ( and a lot of the time it was DH’s fault). Draw the line now OP & don’t tolerate what he does anymore

What does LP mean?

He sounds a lot like my husband.
U willing to discuss anything between us, either shuts it down or gets angry with 'You're such a nightmare', 'you're so negative', 'why is everything the end of the world' when actually it's him that's turning every disagreement into a big fight by not being able to handle it. It's as if he hears me being upset or unhappy about anything he does as 'you're shit and i hate you'. It's got a bit better lately but has made me consider leaving very seriously.
It's not just the tantrums a few times a year. It's the inability to ever resolve anything because any attempt to talk things through is met like this.

On the other hand, I slapped my husband once (long before we were married, at the beginning of our relationship). He was teasing me ans it got out of hand, when I asked him to stop repeatedly, he carried on, I lost it and slapped him. It was a huge red line for him, so I've never done it again. But I don't think it was abusive, and I do think he was partly responsible for deliberately winding me up.

Thats a good update OP. Im glad he is finally taking some responsibility I hope he gets the help he needs and stops doing this because it really isnt an okay way to behave.

Excellent news windermerebell someone admittinmg they HAVE a problem is a very good first step towards a cure for it:)

Yes I had this situation once. The temper faded quickly when I picked up my phone and said I was ringing the police.