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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think about paying my daughter to exercise/lose weight?

65 replies

mrsmootoo · 03/05/2018 13:26

DD1 is 21 (I know I know, but still my daughter, so please don't tell me it's none of my business as I just care!) She is 2-3 stone overweight and very unfit. She's a student with good grades and no work issues. She's possibly mildly autistic (it's 'my' fault I never got her tested; I suspected but I didn't want her labelled). She has learnt to cope with whatever issues she has - mainly around not being very sociable, but she has always had a couple of good friends. I know she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter - it would be good for her self-esteem (and as a latecomer to exercise myself I know about endorphins - and I am now setting a good example). She says she has issues with food and wants to eat all the time - she thinks she might be depressed too. I'm not overweight and have never made a thing about food (I also breastfed her for 12 months, so don't believe what you read about that and not putting on weight later!) I don't think it will work to offer her money to lose weight, but can I offer her money to exercise? How could I make that work? Thanks

OP posts:

Aridane · 03/05/2018 13:28

No, no, no.

Hopefully other posters will be able to suggest how best you can support her. But I don't think financial incentives is the way forward.

I mean, if she wanted to do some form of activity where there was an entrance fee, by all means offer to pay for that

Xmasbaby11 · 03/05/2018 13:31

My mum tried to do this with me. It didn't work. It's very unlikely to work unless she is ready herself.

As a parent myself I do understand your concerns about her weight, but my mum's behaviour was so damaging I still have issues with food. Tread carefully.

Wolfiefan · 03/05/2018 13:34

No. No. And no.
She's an adult. Support and encourage. But you can't make someone lose weight. If she has depression she should seek help.

5cats · 03/05/2018 13:34

Bribery you mean? You don't, its as simple as that. If you want your daughter to have issues around weight and exercise then by all means bribe her [hmmm]

Why don't you help her with her depression first and foremost, that would be the best thing for her. Get her to the GP and help her with her mental health.

MissCharleyP · 03/05/2018 13:35

Hmmm....a tricky one. Has she said she’s unhappy with her weight/level of fitness? Maybe you could join a gym together and for every session done/lb loss put money aside for the two of you to do something like a spa day together or a new laptop or something she’d like?

I had quite an unhealthy relationship with food...long story short I was very unhappy, lost lots of weight. Met my DH and was happy and we used to go out lots and eat huge portions at home. I was fed up with it but didn’t know how to change things. I went to a gym and had PT sessions where I got a nutrition plan and exercise programme, I then started classes and completed a 12 week challenge. I’m forever grateful as I lost the excess weight and know the best foods to eat to support my workouts and I’m never hungry. I’d avoid SW/WW as (IMO) they teach nothing about nutrition. Lots of gyms do challenges for a set number of weeks, worth looking at?

jigglepiggle · 03/05/2018 13:35

No, she needs to want to do this herself or she won’t stick to it. Maybe take her to the doctors and address the possible depression cos that won’t be helping her eating habits. Also, she can exercise but if she’s eating all day it won’t make any difference to her weight.

Idontdowindows · 03/05/2018 13:35

Please don't do that. By offering her money to exercise you are LITERALLY telling her that her only VALUE lies in being thin.

By all means, offer moral and practical support when she asks for it and model good behaviour, but this is really really really a very bad idea.

Knittedfairies · 03/05/2018 13:36

Please don’t; it’s a terrible idea. I think you could perhaps pay a gym membership fee, but be careful.

SmashedMug · 03/05/2018 13:37

Perhaps she's depressed because she has been denied the chance to understand herself just because her parent didn't want her to be labelled. Instead of offering money for her to exercise or not eat, offer money for therapy or diagnosis.

Allthestarskendrick · 03/05/2018 13:40

She has to want to do it herself or she’ll never have that will power to change.

Sirzy · 03/05/2018 13:42

If she thinks she may be depressed you need to encourage her to seek help.

However as for the weight loss and exercise the only way for either to be effective is if people want to do it and do it for themselves. Bribery won’t work long term

Leeds2 · 03/05/2018 13:42

Could you ask if she wants to come with you next time you go to do whatever exercise you do? Or offer to go swimming with her at the weekend, just as a one off fun thing to do rather than a regular class? Or a country walk round NT grounds? Just trying to think of things you could do too increase her activity levels whilst enjoying herself (hopefully!).
I wouldn't pay her to lose weight/exercise though. Although I might buy her/you both a fit bit and hope that she is challenged to do the 10000 steps.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 03/05/2018 13:43

If she feels depressed, perhaps helpful to encourage her to consult her GP. Her GP might suggest exercise and you could offer to support her or keep her company, but don't think paying her is the way forward

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 03/05/2018 13:43

After seeing my sister struggle this way I have realised you cannot force someone to lose weight.

They have to be ready themselves.

Agree about the depression bit and it’s a little chicken and egg as maybe it’s the shit food causing the depression?

Maybe you could work in the low mood issues through taking some omega 3 supplements and helping with some healthy meal ideas, plus a probiotic?

Ragwort · 03/05/2018 13:45

You can offer to pay for gym membership just as birthday gift perhaps but don't give it along with any comments about 'losing weight'. Would you join the gym together as a joint activity?

My DM (overweight herself ) has paid for me to join gyms etc over the years - I've had fun, lost some weight, but never kept it up.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 03/05/2018 13:45

An ex girlfriend of mine was paid by her father to lose weight in her teens and it left her with real food hang ups and the idea that, regardless of whatever else she was good at, the one thing she had to do to please her parents was be thinner. It's not a good idea.

You can support and encourage her to exercise if you think it would help her to be more active but don't make it a financial incentive because that makes it about the weight lost and not her wellbeing.

kaytee87 · 03/05/2018 13:48

Instead of paying her to exercise maybe just facilitate it more? Help her find an exercise or sport she enjoys and go with her?
Get her a membership at a local gym, a new bike?

PoisonousSmurf · 03/05/2018 13:50

She has to want to do it herself. Maybe do things together, long walks, cycle rides, park runs?

TheClacksAreDown · 03/05/2018 13:50

Christ no. Terrible idea. Even if it works short term you’re putting terrible messages into her about her worth

justforthisthread101 · 03/05/2018 13:57

No no and no some more. She has to get there herself.

I ended up with the same kind of weight gain post uni, lost three stone, did excellently for years, then gained a bit when I had the DC (two close together), and lost just over 1.5 stone three years ago and have kept it off. But if anyone had told or coerced me into doing it, it wouldn't have happened.

TenGinBottles · 03/05/2018 13:58

You could ask her if there is a class or a sport that she wants to try and then offer to top up the costs if it's too much or buy her a e.g. bike if she needs it.

PinkHeart5914 · 03/05/2018 13:59

You could offer her a gym membership, but obviously only if she wants to go. If she’s suffering with depression exercise can help a little with that as well

TheRealMotherGoose · 03/05/2018 14:01

I was overweight as an adolescent and in my early twenties. I'd have loved some support from my mum in getting slimmer. It also sounds as if your daughter has been very open with you about something not being quite right -- you say "She says she has issues with food and wants to eat all the time - she thinks she might be depressed too."

Perhaps you can ask her how best you can support her to address her depression and issues with food? She may have some ideas. You could add some of your own, and ask "Would you find that helpful?". If she says no, drop it immediately. If she says yes, you may be able to support her in this.

FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends · 03/05/2018 14:04

No no no no no no no x300000000000000

Jesus.

TheRealMotherGoose · 03/05/2018 14:05

Things that might have helped me would have been:

Help paying for gym membership
Offering to take up a new activity together
Vouchers for Pilates or yoga classes
Rides to the swimming pool
Pre-cooked healthy meals that I could heat up (rather than subsisting on junk while working too hard!)

Weight aside, I do think that exercise (especially if it's outdoors) can be an enormous help for depression. And dealing with the depression could help with the issues with food.

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