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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think about paying my daughter to exercise/lose weight?

65 replies

mrsmootoo · 03/05/2018 13:26

DD1 is 21 (I know I know, but still my daughter, so please don't tell me it's none of my business as I just care!) She is 2-3 stone overweight and very unfit. She's a student with good grades and no work issues. She's possibly mildly autistic (it's 'my' fault I never got her tested; I suspected but I didn't want her labelled). She has learnt to cope with whatever issues she has - mainly around not being very sociable, but she has always had a couple of good friends. I know she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter - it would be good for her self-esteem (and as a latecomer to exercise myself I know about endorphins - and I am now setting a good example). She says she has issues with food and wants to eat all the time - she thinks she might be depressed too. I'm not overweight and have never made a thing about food (I also breastfed her for 12 months, so don't believe what you read about that and not putting on weight later!) I don't think it will work to offer her money to lose weight, but can I offer her money to exercise? How could I make that work? Thanks

OP posts:

Bombardier25966 · 03/05/2018 14:50

I know she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter

Bullshit, and I hope you've not been saying this to her. Being slim is not the answer to mental health issues, but fixating on it can certainly cause them.

If she has issues with food then the root cause needs to be established. If you want to help her then support her in getting a diagnosis and appropriate support (a therapist without experience in ASDs can be a harmful thing).

MasterLeonard · 03/05/2018 14:51

Well as a fat depressed person, the offer of payment for exercise from my own mother would be quite upsetting. It would suggest she had no understanding of the illness at all, or of me.

The weight/issues are secondary to mental health. Eating well and exercising does make you feel good, but you need to be in a good place mentally to take care of yourself. Encourage her to seek help for the depression. If you have money to spend, get a private psychiatrist's appointment if NHS help is going to be a long time coming. Identifying issues around food, developing coping strategies etc will all be much more beneficial in the long term.

SluttyButty · 03/05/2018 14:55

If you think she's ASD and she says she wants to eat all the time. Well in my experience of having an ASD child, the constant eating is anxiety based. Once we realised that then we offered sugar free gum in place of food to help with the anxiety, obviously he has other ways he stims to self regulate but chewing was one of them. He has a chew, rubber thing for school because they can't have gum.

I've not rtft but I'd seriously consider getting an assessment done. Apologies if you've already said you would.

Ebeneser · 03/05/2018 14:58

I agree with the others that paying her to loose weight would be detrimental.

Personally I would think twice about the gym membership, unless she gets a personal trainer or you regularly go with her. I used to hate going to the gym, not because I wasn't confident about going on my own, but because it was a hassle and there was always somebody using the machine/weights I wanted to. It was a chore to me. I've ended up buying my own treadmill and weights to use at home instead.

Maybe something like Yoga/Pilates to begin with that you could both do? Spin class is good fun as well. DVDs that you can do at home e.g. Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred, or Focus T25 etc. You can buy individual DVDs, possibly might have some shrt videos on YouTube (certainly Jilliam Michael's does), or you can subscribe to something like this: www.beachbodyondemand.com/programs?programType=cardio&sort=

Diet obviously needs to be looked at. Baby steps to begin with. Swap snacks for healthy alternatives (e.g.fruit & nuts instead of chocolate and crisps). Baked potato instead of chips etc.

MasterLeonard · 03/05/2018 15:02

Just read the OP again, and this stood out:

She has learnt to cope with whatever issues she has

How would you know that, when you don't know even know what those issues are? Why has she had to learn to cope with ASD and depression alone?

cornishmumtobe · 03/05/2018 15:21

My mom did this with me when I was in my early twenties. I got about £200 in total. Then put the weight back on not proud of myself!

Martinimonster · 03/05/2018 15:28

She may be interested If you wanted to pay slimming world membership or a gym membership? Although no guarantee she would go regularly and commit but you can't pay her to actually lose weight.
I'm 3 stone overweight and my mum gave me 100 quid to buy some 'loose clothes to make me look better. I was trying stuff on in the changing room and burst into tears because I looked huge in everything...i don't think I would have been that upset if I didn't know that the purpose of the shopping trip was so I could buy fat clothes.
If she comes to you for a chat about her weight and how it makes her feel I would maybe offer to pay for gym or slimming club if you can afford to just as a bit of support.

Treacletoots · 03/05/2018 16:17

Wow. I feel i've just flown back to the 1950s!

She might well be happier if she were slimmer - but she might also be even happier if her mother supported her and encouraged her to love herself no matter what her size. You have to ask why she has these attitudes towards food in the first place - is it the way she was brought up perhaps?

Tinkobell · 03/05/2018 18:42

Your DD's weight / eating issue may well be linked to ASD. Sadly you are just skirting around that. It IS indeed very depressing for a young adult with non diagnosed ASD to feel disjointed, lonely and not understood. Please talk to her about diagnoses....just for her.

If it's stigma you fear, I think for many jobs, she wouldn't have to declare it. If you sit on your hands, sadly you will see society is not always kind and understanding and you may have to pick up the pieces of that as she just struggles socially. She may be perceived as a bit rude, blunt and not a team player. Conversely, once employers know someone's situation there is also a lot of acceptance & support within the right channels.

GardenGeek · 03/05/2018 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scabbersley · 03/05/2018 18:45

I wouldn't bribe her but I'd consider taking up a class and going together, paying for it and buying her some nice gym stuff. I did this with my own dd who suffers from anxiety. We did c25k together and it really helped.

mostdays · 03/05/2018 18:48

If my dm offered to pay me for exercising I would be very upset and I don't think we would be talking for a while.

thornyhousewife · 03/05/2018 18:56

Perhaps she's upset because she has a mother who thinks she's fat and wants to pay her to lose weight.

Astella22 · 03/05/2018 18:56

YABU to offer to pay her to exercise/loose weight. If she wanted to do either she would. If she is 2/3 stone overweight then she knows it herself, she needs to want to change & you adding pressure to this is unlikely to help.
Could you suggest completing a 5k together for a charity, this gives the advantage of not being about her specifically, which takes the pressure off, but instead helping an in need charity.

niccyb · 03/05/2018 21:53

No I wouldn’t do this. If your daughter is depressed, this will make matters worse. Is she currently away at uni? Could you arrange a meet up and meet up for a chat?
If she is near by, what about asking if she will come out for a walk with you to give you some company. That way it will get her out of her routine

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