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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think about paying my daughter to exercise/lose weight?

65 replies

mrsmootoo · 03/05/2018 13:26

DD1 is 21 (I know I know, but still my daughter, so please don't tell me it's none of my business as I just care!) She is 2-3 stone overweight and very unfit. She's a student with good grades and no work issues. She's possibly mildly autistic (it's 'my' fault I never got her tested; I suspected but I didn't want her labelled). She has learnt to cope with whatever issues she has - mainly around not being very sociable, but she has always had a couple of good friends. I know she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter - it would be good for her self-esteem (and as a latecomer to exercise myself I know about endorphins - and I am now setting a good example). She says she has issues with food and wants to eat all the time - she thinks she might be depressed too. I'm not overweight and have never made a thing about food (I also breastfed her for 12 months, so don't believe what you read about that and not putting on weight later!) I don't think it will work to offer her money to lose weight, but can I offer her money to exercise? How could I make that work? Thanks

OP posts:

EatSleepRantRepeat · 03/05/2018 14:05

How about rather than a gym membership, use the money to pay for taster sessions at sport/exercise classes at various venues, so she can see if there is one that appeals to her? For example I absolutely hated the gym as it was so boring, but I love ice skating because is fun and the fitness side is just an extra benefit. Do you have the resources to hire bikes as a family for the day and go for a ride somewhere nice? Even something that looks sedate from the outside like Badminton is actually really good exercise when you're getting into it, and you can push yourself as hard as is comfortable.

This might sound rude, but be aware that if you yourself are very fit, she may struggle to exercise with you if you are so far ahead of her with stamina etc. It can be a bit demotivating when you're struggling to keep going and your exercise buddy hasn't broken a sweat yet!

Tinkobell · 03/05/2018 14:06

No don't pay her to loose weight. That is, I'm sorry to say, ridiculous but the words of a parent who wants to wave a magic wand at everything! Fgs PLEASE do encourage your DD to go for an ASD assessment.
I could tell you a very long story about a family member (now 46) whose mum and dad never sought an assessment for same reasons as you. Academically gifted....no problem there. Has more quals and degrees under her belt than anyone. Currently jobless after never finding the right slot, living back home with elderly parents (driving them up the wall), has debts, a drinking problem and struggles with an eating disorder. Because mum and dad sat on their hands for years, everybody else is trying to sort her out as best we can! A diagnoses will help her to understand herself and avoid some pitfalls through adult life....please do it.

Wannabecitygirl · 03/05/2018 14:08

What about paying for the both of you to join a gym/running club/exercise class. Say you really want to go but need company

EatSleepRantRepeat · 03/05/2018 14:10

Sorry one more thing - don't assume the endorphins work for everyone. They really don't for me; I can batter the heck out of an exercise bike for over an hour at home (and do regularly) but it has had zero effect on my mental health. My motivation for exercise is purely vanity for when I want to wear a dress without tights or leggings in summer!

MiddleMoffat · 03/05/2018 14:12

Please don't. You are telling her she is unacceptable to you as her parent.

Say you want to take up running but don't wish to go alone?

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/05/2018 14:13

No I wouldn't but you could do something like "Ooh I have seen a new boxercise/spinning class at xx, if I paid for a course of classes would you come with me? I'd love to do it and it might be more fun together", I don't see anything wrong with that approach

BearPear · 03/05/2018 14:15

Well I’m going to go against the grain here as I paid for my DD to do Slimming World. However, she was familiar with me going and had already expressed an interest. She was also about your DDs age.
She knew nobody in the family would ever make her feel bad about being overweight, or criticise her in any way. Going to SW gave her a bit of structure in making healthy choices which she continues to maintain. She’s not stick-thin, enjoys all the usual indulgent treats but tries to balance this with exercise and healthy food. Going to a slimming club gave her the tools to tackle her weight by herself and now she has left home she knows how to cook healthy nutritious food for herself too.
I would have a conversation with your DD to see what she thinks, perhaps pitch it at healthy cooking rather than weight loss?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/05/2018 14:20

If you pay any money pay for a gym membership, cash in hand just seems very wrong.

Thespringsthething · 03/05/2018 14:20

I wouldn't say anything whatsoever about her weight.

She's an adult.

She's functioning well with good grades, some friends- given if she does have undiagnosed autism/aspergers, then she's winning in terms of doing really well.

If she wants to lose weight, I'm sure she'll take action about it.

The most important things in life, to me anyway, are having children who have high self-esteem not linked to their size, feel good about themselves, are able to achieve the things they want and have a good support network.

Being 2/3 stones lighter is just irrelevant in this scenario, and at 21, it's a ridiculous and undermining message to start paying an adult daughter to lose weight.

Model good eating and exercise yourself (which you came to in your own time) and worry about your own weight.

Thespringsthething · 03/05/2018 14:22

I also agree that helping her pursue a diagnosis may be a good option, again, if that's something she wants to do.

At 21, she's an autonomous independent adult. If she was 12, I might still say your message was unreasonable, at 21, its her business, her body, and her life.

WatchoutDSisdriving · 03/05/2018 14:27

OMG. that is so wrong. I have enough food/body issues without anyone ever having done that, it is so wrong on so many levels. I am quite shocked you even thought of it.

Rawhh · 03/05/2018 14:28

As someone who has had issues with both depression and uncontrolled binging it isn't as simple as paying her to exercise or sending her to slimming world.

Plus, if She is binging no amount of exercise will conteract that.

She needs to be treated for the depression and Binge eating. Unfortunatly, a lot of anti depressants will cause weight gain.

montenotte · 03/05/2018 14:29

Is she still living at home?
If so, maybe the whole family could go on a sugar detox (incl refined carbs) - see Davina's 5 weeks to sugar free.
At 2-3 stone overweight, diet has to be the focus. She should feel much better (after the initial few days) with no sugar in her system and then will know if depression or just feeling crap.

Does she like/is good at any particular exercise? Swimming? Yoga?

But no, don't pay her.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/05/2018 14:30

FFS. I am sick to death of all these stupid, stupid people trying to convince other people that they are worthless unless they are thin.

Why don't you all have a look at something like this before fucking up your DDs and giving them eating disorders?

GoodFortuneAttendThee · 03/05/2018 14:32

The best thing you can do for your girl is to love her and show that love, whatever her weight is (and whether you approve of it or not). The worst thing you could do is to make her feel bad about her weight in any way..it will just drive her to eat more but never speak openly to you about it.

montenotte · 03/05/2018 14:34

Why don't you all?
have you actually RTFT ReanimatedSGB? I don't think one poster has said yes...

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 03/05/2018 14:34

No.No Please leave her alone!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 03/05/2018 14:36

FFS. I am sick to death of all these stupid, stupid people trying to convince other people that they are worthless unless they are thin.

Not sure if anyone here has described non thin people as 'worthless'. Anyway, there is a big difference between labelling someone 'worthless' just for being overweight and a parent being concerned about one of their kids being chronically unfit, obese and depressed.

expatiation · 03/05/2018 14:37

the problem is the depression, the weight is a second order problem op.
Initially i thought paying for gym was a good idea - BUT only because exercise can help tackle depression. I would very clearly avoid any confirmation that her weight is a problem.

The weight is a symptom of something wrong with her life. I've struggled with mine (never very overweight but a yo-yo) and it's always a sign of something else/some other problem not being addressed.

You want to help - you need to talk more about the depression, not the weight. You'll confirm her low self esteem if you make it all about the weight. It's topsy turvy how you are thinking about it.

SoftSheen · 03/05/2018 14:40

Definitely not. If your daughter wants to lose weight, she should do it for herself, not for anyone else and certainly not for money.

You could, if you approached the matter sensitively, offer to fund an activity for her that she would enjoy but might not be able to afford otherwise, e.g. membership of a sporting club, buying her a new bike etc.

expatiation · 03/05/2018 14:40

there are non drug treatments for mild depression - such as taking a better look at the link to the gut (pre and probiotics), making sure you spend a certain amount of time outside (in nature if possible) every day, exercise, walking a dog etc.

All of these coincidentally can affect weight positively too, but really you need to find what's behind all the depression - some cross in the road she can't resolve?

You'd be better off paying for CBT or perhaps counselling sessions to help her out with the depression and make a new plan

duckingfisaster · 03/05/2018 14:41

Maybe talk about how much you enjoy your exercise and offer to pay for a personal trainer (ten sessions is a good start) so they can help her get going on a programme. No need to bring weight into it specifically. In fact exercise is proven to help depression - maybe position it as that (you would like to help her feel better, if she is feeling depressed maybe exercise would help...etc).

I would give almost anything to have someone give me 10x personal trainer sessions right now! If you get the right one they can be positive, motivating and informative - if you are thinking of paying anything that would be the way forward..

PasswordRejection · 03/05/2018 14:42

I'd be interested in what the reponses would be if the OP had suggested paying her DC to stop smoking/stop drinking excessively/stop doing drugs.

Being a healthy weight does not = thin.

Being 2/3 stone overweight is unhealthy.

I feel for you OP. However, I definitely agree that a less direct approach (suggesting classes together etc) is probably a more sensible approach.

Fruitcorner123 · 03/05/2018 14:42

You really should be encouraging her to seek help for depression. If she had a broken arm you wouldn't hesitate to get her medical attention. If she has told you she is depressed thats her crying out for help.

I hope I have interpreted it wrongly but your OP seems to suggest you are more worried about her weight than her depression. I would rather be a happy obese person than a person of healthy weight suffering from depression. It's a dreadful illness.

expatiation · 03/05/2018 14:46

i so agree fruit, it's bizarre, if my daughter told me she thought she was depressed, I'd be much more concerned about that than the fact that she was overweight, even if i believed that this was a contributing factor to the depression.

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