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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell my partner my history

67 replies

Girlfrommars77 · 02/05/2018 22:06

I’ve been with DP for almost a year and it’s all amazing. We’re taking it slowly but v happy. But I’m dreading him asking about my sexual past. I was just turned 14 when I lost my virginity to someone much older - I don’t feel comfortable talking about it and I think DP would understand but I just don’t want to share if that conversation comes up. AIBU to lie?

OP posts:
ObiJuanKenobi · 02/05/2018 22:08

I would just say it's not something you wish to discuss and hope he would accept and respect that.

BigMama99 · 02/05/2018 22:10

I don't know DPs sexual history and he doesn't know mine. Before we had sex, even with protection, I asked him to get tested an I went too (romantic I know) and this is all I needed to know! Whether he had an infection or not (he didn't). What happened in your past is nobodies business but your own. You do not need to lie, you just don't talk about it.

Ohyesiam · 02/05/2018 22:15

I’ve never shared my sexual history with any of my partners, as far as I remember no one has ever asked.

Your past is yours, you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. Nobody has a right to your information.
Feel free to airbrush over it, lie through your teeth or just say you don’t want to talk about it.

Smoothyloopy · 02/05/2018 22:16

Been with OH 25 years, never been discussed

Kintan · 02/05/2018 22:17

I’ve been married for 7 years and I’ve never had that conversation with my DH, it’s just never come up. You don’t have to disclose anything you don’t want to anyway you know!

WibblyWobblyWho · 02/05/2018 22:20

Been with DP 15 years and never discussed either. Just shrug it off if it ever comes up and say nothing worth talking about!

x2boys · 02/05/2018 22:20

I'm.not sure why it would be an issue I was 31 when I met dh we both had pasts he had a dd before he met me as long as you are both commited now what's the issue?

NewYearNewMe18 · 02/05/2018 22:22

How bizarre that you are contemplating discussing your sex life , other than with the person you had sex with (and your doctor, in need).

DH and I have never discussed anything of the sort. Something's are private. I have no desire to know about any of his ex's.

Fatted · 02/05/2018 22:24

I've never discussed it with my DH who I've been with for 16 and a half years. Somethings are better left unsaid.

Anxiouschild · 02/05/2018 22:43

I agree with PPs, it's not a conversation that has ever come up with DH in the 11yrs we've been together. It just isn't relevant. The only BF who asked was horribly insecure and used it as a stick to beat me with. I've wondered once or twice about DH, but not enough to ask. I think I'm better off not knowing!
If it comes up I'd laugh it off and divert to another topic.

UpstartCrow · 02/05/2018 22:45

Not everyone has a happy sexual history, and its not unusual to not want to talk about it. If its an issue and he doesnt get that, he isnt a nice guy.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 02/05/2018 22:48

I’m genuinely really surprised that this is a pretty unanimous agreement that you can and should keep this to yourself. Not saying you should be forced to discuss anything that makes you uncomfortable but I know everything about DHs sexual history and vice versa, including the painful/upsetting stuff. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with him not knowing my past and not knowing his. We talked openly about it from the start of our relationship.

Littlelondoner · 02/05/2018 22:49

Cant say I have ever really had the conversation making a point of it. Just various snippets have came up naturally in conversation.

So of you dont want to talk about it. Just dobt bring it up or breeze over it.

I sense this is a difficult topic for you. So for that I am sorry. Flowers

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 02/05/2018 22:53

Don't lie you'll forget one day and end up being caught out
I don't think it's unusual to ask at what age you lost your virginity, I would blithely say that I was 14, it was a poor decision, no laws were broken and that's as much as you want to say.
I am however an appalling liar so can only really go with the truth Grin

Bambamber · 02/05/2018 22:55

I agree I wouldn't lie, If he does ask just say it belongs in the past and that is where you would like it to stay

AvoidingDM · 02/05/2018 22:57

Op you say you were 14 and the person was much older. Do you think you were groomed? Do you need counselling, some way of dealing with your feelings about it?

Casmama · 02/05/2018 22:59

I think if it was going to come up it probably would have done so by now.
I agree with others- been with my DH 14 years and never discussed it but did both get tested before unprotected sex.

Sabaisabai1234 · 02/05/2018 23:00

I would blithely say that I was 14, it was a poor decision, no laws were broken and that's as much as you want to say.

Really? No laws were broken? That's a surprise.

Knitjob · 02/05/2018 23:02

I'd say "I was young, with hindsight I wish I'd waited". That's all you need to say.
In years to come you might be talking about your feelings towards your own young teens and sex. I wouldn't lie.

GrooovyLass · 02/05/2018 23:05

My DP knows nothing about my sexual history and I know nothing about his. Mine is none of his business and vice versa. Why would this be something to discuss?

SandyY2K · 02/05/2018 23:10

Just say you have a policy of not discussing previous relationships/sexual history.

GothMummy · 02/05/2018 23:10

Married 21 years. My husband has never asked about my sexual history.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/05/2018 23:12

It's entirely up to you. No one has the right to demand you tell them stuff about yourself which is none of their business (and your sex life before you met a current partner is none of that person's business.)

The only time it might be something you need to think about raising would be if a bad past experience was affecting your current relationship - if, for instance, you were so upset by something in your past that you got flashbacks to it when having (consensual) sex with the current partner. Even then, it might be more appropriate to sort that out with a counsellor rather than dump it on the partner.

steppinOnLego · 02/05/2018 23:15

You were 14 and someone much older had sex with you.....Shock

This sounds worrying OP :-(

Thinking of you x

Aridane · 02/05/2018 23:17

Amazed the majority of posters don’t ever speak about previous sexual partners with their DP