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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to tell my partner my history

67 replies

Girlfrommars77 · 02/05/2018 22:06

I’ve been with DP for almost a year and it’s all amazing. We’re taking it slowly but v happy. But I’m dreading him asking about my sexual past. I was just turned 14 when I lost my virginity to someone much older - I don’t feel comfortable talking about it and I think DP would understand but I just don’t want to share if that conversation comes up. AIBU to lie?

OP posts:

Ticketsfrom · 03/05/2018 08:04

It’s never come up in my relationship, my dW doesn’t know who I lost my virginity to nor at what age. I don’t know hers, although I have a vague idea of when.
I’ve never asked. She’s never asked. It was all such a long tine ago it really is irrelevant unless you choose to make it relevant.

AnneProtheroe · 03/05/2018 08:14

I don't want to know his past.

Allthewaves · 03/05/2018 08:16

I'm married 15 years. Iv no idea who dh slept with and visa versa. We have talked loosely bf/gf

BarbarianMum · 03/05/2018 08:21

I'd feel concerned that there was something I felt I couldn't talk to my dh about for fear of being judged. But these threads on here always go the same way - if you're a woman your past is at private as you choose it to be, if you are a man your partner has the right to know everything and you have no right to privacy at all.

Littlechocola · 03/05/2018 08:29

I don’t know who my partner lost his virginity to or at what age and he doesn’t know that about me. We talk openly about sex but it’s never come up.
I don’t have any interest in knowing.

Potplant2 · 03/05/2018 08:44

I’m sorry OP, that sounds abusive when you were 14.

It’s up to you who you share that information with. I wonder if you might find someone, not necessarily your partner, to talk to about the experience if you feel that it’s something weighing on you and worrying you in the context of current relationships?

RosieWoodChelt · 03/05/2018 08:48

We all begin (or do not begin) our sexual growth in different ways and at different ages. OP keep private what you wish. I chose to be open with DH about my past when we met but that was how our relationship was at that time. Everyone is different. What is more important to my mind is that OP should not worry about the age she began sex unless there is something only she knows that made it wrong.

HazelBite · 03/05/2018 08:55

OP I've been married 40+ years I'm sure if you asked DH about my previous sexual history, he would be unable to give you details because at the end of the day it is not really important unless it was hugely traumatic, and affects our relationship.
You sound troubled (or are you just embarrassed) about how you lost your virginity.This is a separate issue for you to work out, we have all done silly/unwise things when young, but its something we have to accept.
If you can't accept it was just the foolishness of youth perhaps you need some sort of therapy.
Good luck with your relationship

GrooovyLass · 03/05/2018 09:34

BarbariunMum that's just not true! The responses here have been mainly "he doesn't know mine/I don't know his" with a small smattering of "we both know everything" - I can't see one instance of "I get to know his/mine is my business" like you've suggested.

BarbarianMum · 03/05/2018 09:47

Not on this thread Lass but believe me there have been yay threads over the years when the OP has discovered something about her partners previous life (and I don't mean a wife and 3 children he forgot to mention) and there is always a chorus of "YANBU to be upset, he should have told you". This happens even if they've only been together a few weeks. Examples I can recall off the top of my head are "previous girlfriend of many years ago having an abortion", "previous girlfriend OD ing (she knew he'd dabbled w drugs but not this), 1 night stand (again many years ago, before either were married) with (now) wife of a friend. The abortion one was particularly pertinent because I've seen several threads on here asking whether woman should disclose to their partners that they've previously had an abortion if they don't want to (resounding no, of course).

Shmithecat · 03/05/2018 09:52

Eh? My dh and I have been together 10 years. We both had a previous marriage each and and we recall stories occasionally from previous relationships but I've never had any interest in his actual sexual activity previous to me. Neither has dh in mine. Why would you?

MrsExpo · 03/05/2018 09:58

I'm married for the second time, so obvs DH knows about DH1. Likewise, DH was in a long term relationship with someone else but had split with her before we met. But other than that, we have never discussed either of our previous sex lives with each other. We just assume that there were other people, but it's what happens from now on that matters - ie, that we're faithful to each other. If he asks, just say it's what happens between the two of you that matters, not all that went before.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2018 10:06

I'd feel concerned that there was something I felt I couldn't talk to my dh about for fear of being judged there's stuff I simple cannot talk to DH about because I'm not capable of talking about it and whilst I'd be worried he'd judge me I accept that offers actually a reflection on me judging myself. You don't need to empty every cupboard out when you get married and expose every spider

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 03/05/2018 10:27

I guess I’m talking about something that had an impact on me having just turned 14 but I still appreciate I consented and did that

OP, you were only 14. I wonder if you were really sufficiently mature to give informed consent? Please don't be hard on yourself.

DairyisClosed · 03/05/2018 10:36

It is a shame that you don't feel confidant talking about your past but you are under no obligation to share it if you don't want to. So long as you are open about STDs and any known issues surrounding fertility/wanting or not wanting children (where it is a long term relationship) there really is no reason to discuss your sex life any further. Anyone who demands to know would be unreasonable.

RosieWoodChelt · 03/05/2018 10:53

My DH, although we are now splitting and so sex is off the menu, did want to know my past but was willing to share his own with me. Cannot have one without the other.

Lizzie48 · 03/05/2018 11:19

If your DP really loves you, then he won't judge you for what happened when you were 14. He'll see it the way we all see it, that you were groomed by an older man. But it doesn't mean that you you have to tell him about it.

You would benefit from talking to a therapist about it, though, because you really shouldn't feel any shame about what happened. You were groomed and it wasn't your fault.

I did tell my DH about my childhood SA, because the memories came flooding back when our DDs were small. I had to tell him because it really affected our sex life, that is to say we don't have any now, though I'm hoping that therapy will help me overcome this.

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