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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell my partner my history

67 replies

Girlfrommars77 · 02/05/2018 22:06

I’ve been with DP for almost a year and it’s all amazing. We’re taking it slowly but v happy. But I’m dreading him asking about my sexual past. I was just turned 14 when I lost my virginity to someone much older - I don’t feel comfortable talking about it and I think DP would understand but I just don’t want to share if that conversation comes up. AIBU to lie?

OP posts:
AskBasil · 02/05/2018 23:18

"It was a poor decision"

Yeah. By the much older partner.

The OP was a child.

FFS.

Bugjune · 02/05/2018 23:25

Amazed the majority of posters don’t ever speak about previous sexual partners with their DP

I was just thinking that, I assumed it was a usual conversation Confused

Aridane · 02/05/2018 23:28

Indeed!

ohtheholidays · 02/05/2018 23:29

I've been with my DH 12 years and we know everything about each other's pasts sex and all.If you don't want to talk about what happened to you in the past you don't have to OP and if your OH is a good guy he'll except that.

I had bad stuff(really bad,arrestable, most people would most probably want to skin them alive if they knew)happen to me,it hasn't changed mine and my DH's relationship.

My DH says it doesn't change who I am and how he feels about me,he was sad that it had happened to me and he hates(with a vengence)the people that did it all to me but it's not who I am it's just something that happened to me.

Original poster
Girlfrommars77 · 02/05/2018 23:33

Thanks all. That’s really reassuring to hear from people who haven’t discussed/doesn’t matter. That’s how I feel - and tbf, he has never asked. He’s a good guy.

avoiding I don’t know. I have conflicted feelings about what happened when I was 14 so that’s one reason why I don’t want to go into it 15 years on

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfrommars77 · 02/05/2018 23:34

Thank you onthe that’s what I’m talking about and just don’t know how much to share

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/05/2018 23:39

Just be vague. If he asks too many questions that's a red flag.

DiegoMadonna · 02/05/2018 23:39

I was just thinking that, I assumed it was a usual conversation

Why would it be? I guess I can see why the age my partner lost their virginity might randomly come up at some point, although I'd never ask, because why would I care? But who it was with or any more details? Why would we ever have a conversation about that?

BonnieF · 02/05/2018 23:41

OP, ignore the people fishing for salacious details.

I may, or may not, agree to discuss my history with my partner, but I would not lie. If he did not accept my choice, I would consider that a red flag.

Orlandointhewilderness · 02/05/2018 23:43

I've never had that conversation with DP. I don't really mind if he wanted to know but he doesn't like to share past history and I completely respect his feeling on it so I wouldn't dream of asking.

Original poster
Girlfrommars77 · 02/05/2018 23:45

To be clear, I guess I’m talking about something that had an impact on me having just turned 14 but I still appreciate I consented and did that so wonder if he might judge if I share

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 02/05/2018 23:49

Your welcome Girlfrommars I know how hard it can be,for me it had got to the stage where I needed to talk about it(my parents have both passed away within the last few years but even they didn't know)it was something I wanted to do and needed to do for me,but just like everything in life we are all very different and what worked for me might not be the best for someone else.

Just remember to not put any pressure on yourself to do or talk about what happened,it is your past,your experiences and your life and no one has any right over any of it but you my love Flowers

Prestonsflowers · 02/05/2018 23:53

At fourteen, did you really consent? Or were you groomed to feel that it was ok.
I was groomed at 9 and it has completely messed me up,
If you feel that your partner may judge you for sexual stuff when you were a child then maybe it might be a good idea for you to get some help.

steppinOnLego · 02/05/2018 23:53

Correct me if I'm wrong - but doesn't the law say that if you're under 16 you aren't emotionally capable of consenting?

Obviously at the time you may have felt you were ok with it... but the fact you're unclear now is very saddening.

Its a difficult situation and I totally understand why you'd feel uncomfortable talking about it.

In the future, I hope you manage to find some peace about it and feel you can open up to someone xxxx

donajimena · 02/05/2018 23:54

Aridane why are you amazed? It really isn't anyones business. I've nothing to hide or be ashamed of but its just not relevant to my life or my partners.

steppinOnLego · 02/05/2018 23:54

@Prestonsflowers

I was groomed at 8 too - horrible situation

Thanks
SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 02/05/2018 23:55

Your past is your past. You own it. Only you. If asked, you could say you like to focus on now and the past is irrelevant. Absolutely no one has the right to make you share more than you wish to and, similarly, no person has the right to judge because they weren't there, residing in your head, sharing the experience. Intimacy does not equal total access.

Prestonsflowers · 03/05/2018 00:03

Thank you @steppinOnlego
I’m 60 now and I’m still not really right.
💐💐for you too

AvoidingDM · 03/05/2018 00:04

Op no rightminded individual would judge you especially when the other party was much older. In 2018 an older partner with a 14 year old would be classed as grooming and abuse.
Lots of posters are saying none of his business and to an extent they are right but if you need to talk I'm sure a councillor might be a good place.

Original poster
Girlfrommars77 · 03/05/2018 00:06

suki

‘Your past is your past. You own it. Only you’

This has really helped me. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfrommars77 · 03/05/2018 00:08

Thank you avoiding

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfrommars77 · 03/05/2018 00:09

Listening to everyone - and thank you all - I think I do need to talk to OP and tell him my feelings around this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfrommars77 · 03/05/2018 00:11

DP obvs!

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 03/05/2018 00:14

I have never shared my sexual history with anyone and nobody is entitled to hear about it. All a new partner is entitled to is to see your negative test results.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/05/2018 07:03

If it came up I'd tell him. I think it's a normal thing to talk about if briefly. These things do shape you. I wouldn't expect him to judge.