to think he should tell his ex I'm pregnant?

[BigMama99]

Evening all. Long story cut as short as possible. I'm 14 weeks pregnant this week. Very happy as is DP. We want to tell his 6 year old daughter on Friday. She's desperate for a baby brother or sister so we can't wait to tell her. Problem is I personally think he should tell his daughter's mum. Just out of courtesy and to let her know that her daughter is going to be a sister. He doesn't want to tell her and is more than happy for her to find out through his daughter.

AIBU to encourage him to tell her himself? Their relationship isn't great but I just think it's the adult thing to do...

I think it would be the adult thing to do too. Possibly, he thinks his Ex will "spoil" the surprise by breaking the news to his daughter herself, but if that is the case I would've thought he could phone/text her whilst his daughter is with you.

Would not risk ex telling dd before you do tbh.
It needs to be a positive announcement and dm may not project it as such.

Text her when you have your SD for contact. Surprise won't be ruined and she gets a heads up. Win win.

I agree with Leeds2 he should wait until daughter is with you for the weekend then text or email his ex to let her know. I think finding out from a 6 year old is unfair and will cause or increase animosity but equally I understand why he doesn't want to tell his ex before he has told his daughter.

It’s up to him really. But if he’s worried she’s going to be angry, it’s better that’s levelled at him than a 6 year old...

If he changes his mind, could you wait till DSD is with you, then he sends her a brief text or email. Then if she needs to emote, she’s on her own and it doesn’t happen in front of DSD.

Massive x post. Sorry.

I'd tell the child, then tell mum when he hands her back

"Marys, got some exciting news, haven't you Mary? She's going to be a big sister, Bigmama99 is having a baby".

No worries about x post! We would of course tell his daughter first. He really can't stand his ex as she messes him around a lot. I'm not saying that because I'm his partner. I can see when he's making her out to be worse than she is (when he's angry) but she really is awful to him and going AWOL with daughter. I think this is why he doesn't care to tell her. It's not a spiteful thing he just can't stand talking to her. It's not my place to say anything and would never do that but just wanted to know whether it was unreasonable for me to expect him to tell her out of courtesy... hmm...

We told the dsc when they were with us for the weekend but dh then phoned their mum to tell her and not be caught of guard. Why should the children be left to give potentially bad news to their mum

Ooof. DP should tell ex when he has DD so its almost simultaneous news.

No surprises.

Is it really awful if he doesn't tell her? I really don't think he will...

It's not fair on his daughter for him not to at least mention it to her mum before she'll come home chatting about it.

Yes he should definitely tell her as a courtesy. There's nothing worse than a child bombarding you with questions about a situation that you have not been informed of. My exh did this to me a few years ago and it was awkward to say the least.

Congratulations. If he does not tell his x she will give him a harder time. Tell her when you have dsd so if she kicks off dsd won't be around her. She may be worried your dp will spend less time with dsd so may need reassuring it will not affect his relationship with his dd.

I didn’t feel the need to tell ex ds did but when they had a baby they told me. It’s personal choice to be honest.

At the end of the day -she is going to have to deal with the daughter and questions about a baby more than you and your DP are.

she can make or break this episode in your life.

Mine had so many questions after being told behind my back.

He needs to act like an adult and tell her himself.

He should tell her mum. That way she gets the chance to compose herself if she is upset in any way before her DD returns home excited with the news.

Your instincts are right. He should tell her. Ideally directly but if necessary by text while the little girl is with you, so she can prepare herself?

@takeittakeit why will she have to deal with it more than me and DP?

I want him to tell her I just really don't think he will. Tricky situation!

I have uni aged kids and my ex is dating someone 22 years his junior. If she gets pregnant then, honestly, I won't be pleased. But if he gave me a heads up I would be able to deal with it better with our kids.

Of course he should tell the adult first before the child. That would be the right thing to do.

Is it really awful if he doesn't tell her? I really don't think he will

Yes. She may be upset - not because she’s bothered but because of what it represents. She may need some time to come to terms with it. Your DSD may have questions, she may be upset once she’s had time to think about what it means, and it will be mum who needs to answer those questions. You need mum onside as much as possible and not telling her ignores her as an important part of your DSD’s life. It’s just common courtesy really.

I doubt this news is going to be the surprise you think, tell him to grow up and tell her Mum before DD.

I don't think it is a particularly big deal. My ex didn't tell me, I found out through my son. It wasn't an issue for me.

OP if he wont, you should. And explain why its you telling her. Personally I would wonder why I was having a child with a man that can be that bitter or spiteful.