to think he should tell his ex I'm pregnant?

[BigMama99]

Evening all. Long story cut as short as possible. I'm 14 weeks pregnant this week. Very happy as is DP. We want to tell his 6 year old daughter on Friday. She's desperate for a baby brother or sister so we can't wait to tell her. Problem is I personally think he should tell his daughter's mum. Just out of courtesy and to let her know that her daughter is going to be a sister. He doesn't want to tell her and is more than happy for her to find out through his daughter.

AIBU to encourage him to tell her himself? Their relationship isn't great but I just think it's the adult thing to do...

TBH it sounds like op kind of likes the drama of it with the whole "Is it really awful if he doesn't tell her? I really don't think he will..." thing! Match made in heaven.

Yes, he needs to tell her. It's simply very rude and juvenile not to.

If there's any chance she might be upset she'll need time to get her game face on before her DD comes home buzzing about her new sibling. If they don't have a great relationship and she can't be trusted not to tell your DSD herself, then at the very least he should drop her a text after he tells their daughter.

@RomeoBunny it's up to him to tell her or not. I will not be the one to tell her as it isn't my place. If he chooses not to then he will have to deal with the consequences. I don't ever talk to her unless I need to so I would be weird for me to tell her.

He's not a bitter or spiteful person, I think he should tell her, but she's hurt him so badly that he's finding it a little hard to want to tell her anything as she has caused a lot of damage. He's been mentally dragged through the mud. I'm not condoning him not telling her but it's coming from a place of numbness, not spite.

@SmashedMug not the case at all. I have encouraged him to tell her but he just won't talk about it. I am nearly 14 weeks pregnant and trust me, the last thing I want is drama. I'm preparing myself for the potential backlash, not revelling in it.

he needs to tell her.

my own mother sent me to tell my grandparents when she was pregnant. I didn't say anything as it was her being a coward. End result was she walked in expecting everyone to know and they hit the roof when she let it out. Then she took it out on me. I was 12.

Never leave it to a child. please.

Who does she live with most?

I dont think he needs to tell her, My husband didnt tell his ex and she didnt tell him either when she was expecting.
No problems to report here from it.

@takeittakeit she lives with us 50% and mum 50% in term time and 70% with us on holidays as I have flexible working and can have her in half terms and summer hols.

If he can't bear to talk to her then he should text.

But tell her he should.

He should tell her it's the grown up thing to do not to mention respectful

No decent dad would make a six year old be the messenger for this news. What a disgraceful thing to do to a little girl.

My partner told his ex at the hand over after we had SS for the week.
He just casually mentioned SS found out he was going to be a big brother.
He's a teenager so we thought she needed to know he would have a lot on his mind and to adjust to.

I would advice him to tell her so if he does it in front of their daughter and stress how happy their daughter is about it she will find it harder to taint it.

He need to tell her.

Your DSD May have complicated feelings about the new baby. She may not be as 100% pleased about it as you are expecting. Her Mother needs to know.

Tell him to take responsibility for this for his DD’s sake.

Actually it’s your body and you are pregnant, you can tell who you like. I’d see this as a bit of a concern that he won’t tell her. He needs to grow up imo. It’s not fair on the child to have to break the news.

He should tell her by text. Otherwise, he's creating a future argument and potentially putting his dd in an awkward position. By acting like this, he's totally raised the probability of his ex acting up around the time of your birth. By acting up I mean withholding contact or making you have dsd constantly around the time of the birth. (There's lots of stories like this on Step Parents)

My ex and I don't argue but he often drops bombshells like new pets and moving house on the kids (and I) after they've happened which makes us Not mentioning it at all comes across as underhand and a little mean.

He may hate his ex but the fairest thing for the child would be to wait until she’s with you, then send ex a quick text before telling DD .
He can text saying “just to let you know BigMama99 is pregnant, baby due in October. We will be telling DD the news today.” and leave it at that.
It’s not fair for a 6 year old to be the messenger. A text beforehand can help her Mum get her head around it before DD returns home.

Is it really awful if he doesn't tell her? I really don't think he will

Yes, it is really awful. Immature, spiteful and disruptive

I think he should tell the mum in advance, not for her sake but for his daughters. If she comes home all happy and excited and says "BigMama99 is pregnant!" and her mum starts sobbing or says something cruel because she's shocked or just has a face like a smacked arse then it's going to take the shine off it for her. If she knows in advance then she has a chance to get over the shock and put on a fake smile when she gets home. If she's really awful then she may be horrible to his daughter about it anyway, but at least it gives her more of a chance not to be. If you want him to tell her then I'd pitch it like that.

I don't see the need, especially if they have an acrimonious relationship. It isn't her news nor her business.
I get on ok-ish with one of my ex's but he only told me his current gf was pregnant because our DD had chicken pox. Equally I didn't announce my subsequent children to him. We aren't bothered about each other's lives.

I think it would be better for DD if mum knew. If I found out via DD that exDP was having a baby I would be shocked and it would be a lot to process that I would then be doing in front of DD rather than work it through ready for when she came back to me.

You can absolutely tell children before adults. Ideally, as suggested, tell her when you have DSD. But ex is no relation to the new baby while DSD is, so tell her when you want to.

Were you the other woman or has he recently broken up with his ex? If so, you will need to take her feelings into account as well as her role as his daughter’s mother. If not, it’s all about his daughter and if telling his ex would help his daughter.

His ex definitely knows you exist as are in a relationship with him, right?

Could be worse she could find out on Facebook.

Do not make a young child a messenger for this kind of news. I've had my DC used for this kind of thing and it's horribly unfair. She needs to know before her DD returns. She needs to know because her DD is going to have a brother or sister. That makes it relevant to her. If your DP wants to put his DD's best interests first he will pass on this news himself.