to think he should tell his ex I'm pregnant?

[BigMama99]

Evening all. Long story cut as short as possible. I'm 14 weeks pregnant this week. Very happy as is DP. We want to tell his 6 year old daughter on Friday. She's desperate for a baby brother or sister so we can't wait to tell her. Problem is I personally think he should tell his daughter's mum. Just out of courtesy and to let her know that her daughter is going to be a sister. He doesn't want to tell her and is more than happy for her to find out through his daughter.

AIBU to encourage him to tell her himself? Their relationship isn't great but I just think it's the adult thing to do...

@BumblebeeBum god no, definitely not 'the other' woman! They were separated 3 years before we got together. She knows I exist, has my number, I pick up and drop off to her house and she is perfectly nice to me as am I to her. I would say we have an amicable relationship.

If you want your relationship to remain amicable I strongly suggest you get your DP to tell her.

Great, it’s just about his daughter then. Makes it lots easier! Does he think her mum would be able to support her better / worse / the same for knowing about it before her? What is his reason for not telling her?

You don’t have to answer me, I’m just putting questions out there for you to think about or chat to him about. You don’t owe me anything!

@RomeoBunny are you projecting?

Some people are very unhappy and get angry when their ex simply gets on with their life. They just can't help it, even though their relationship with that ex was terrible and they are both better apart.

I didn't tell my ex when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I procrastinated and my daughter then told her Granny that I had been sick that morning! Think they effectively knew before lots of other people, as my ex MIL is able to put 2 and 2 together.

If you have a good relationship with your partner's ex then telling her when you drop your stepdaughter home sounds like the best option. I don't think it's really terrible if you don't - it's happening either way.

Thanks @BumblebeeBum - really helpful and I am thinking about all of these things.

Things have been extremely difficult between DP and his ex. He is a wonderful father and is very bigger towards his ex. She disappears at Christmas, talks about him in a nasty way in front of his daughter, told his daughter that she wished her new boyfriend was her dad instead, and is all round not a very nice person. My DP doesn't get involved in this, has never said a bad word about his ex in from of his daughter and genuinely doesn't give his ex a second thought when DD is around. As I said in a previous post I am not condoning him not telling her but part of me does understand why I would choose not to. Nobody is perfect and people do silly things when someone has hurt them so many times.

*bitter

*why he would choose not to before someone starts accusing me!

I don’t think any need to tell. I wouldn’t have dreamt of telling my ex-h when I was pregnant, and likewise he didn’t tell me when his new wife was pregnant. It’s the business of the children we share, but not each other’s business at all.

I don't know what I expected people to say as I have no control over the situation, but thanks all. I'm just trying to avoid any dramas and prepare myself for any potential backlash. This pregnancy has been stressful enough as it is and it's frustrating that I'm even giving any kind of thought to his ex.

It's not about giving thought to the ex, it's about giving thought to the DD.

Who does the hand over OP? When DD goes back to mum?

@FASH84 it depends. If he's on nights I will do it because he will leave an hour or so before she goes back to mums, if he's in the house he will always do it (he does it 90% of the time).

If it's you doing handover and you're civil/amicable I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say 'just to let you know we told DD this weekend that she's going to be a big sister'

I actually think he should do it, even if ex p is a living nightmare, DD shouldn't be in the middle of this and by one of you telling her directly instead of through DD it removes something for her to be difficult about, but if he won't there's no harm in you doing it

If he doesnt want to do it he doesnt have to, He cant be held accountable for his ex loosing the plot, Thats on her. Hes moved on living with someone else this is part of that moving on.
Its his childs sibling and nothing to do with the ex.

Tell him he needs to tell her for his DDs sake. If she goes nuclear when she finds out she should go nuclear at him, not DD. If he thinks she is going to be unhappy or angry he should tell her so she has time to calm down before seeing DD rather than DD seeing her lose it.

Also I've never been in this situation but why would the ex wife be angry or upset?

DF had told my mum he didn't' want any more children, then after a lengthy affair married the OW, and both treated my mum badly during the divorce. DSis and I knew none of this when we breezily returned for a visit to DF and said his new wife was pregnant.

I'll never forget the shock on my mum's face. We were just kids (8 & 10) and had no idea of the history, and only as an adult discovered what a kick in the teeth it was for her.

I know that's not the scenario here, but please don't leave the child to tell her - you never know how it will play.

He needs to tell his Ex, as it indirectly effects her (it is a massive thing for his daughter to find out she’s going to be a big sister and will be a change in dynamic when the baby arrives) it’s the adult thing to do.
He should tell his daughter first then let his ex know the same day - perhaps when he drops her back at her Mums?

If he doesn’t tell her she will
Only use it as amunition against him.

Thanks all. For those asking about what the potential backlash could be, I'm just concerned she will be upset. Her daughter is desperate for a brother or sister, and for her not to be the one giving her her first sibling could be quite tough. I know I would find that hard. At the end of the day, I'm so used to her putting negative thoughts in to her daughters head about DP I guess I'm worried she will do something similar. I'm not 100% sure what I'm expecting to happen, I just want it to be smooth sailing in terms of relationships and don't want any drama as one pp kindly suggested that I may be enjoying!

"Hello ex, just letting you know that daughter is going to be a big sister on due date. We will be telling her this evening."

I have an amicable relationship with my xh, we sort things out together as we know it’s for the best for dd. But as a previous poster has said happened in her family he wasn’t the greatest husband and was adamant one child and one child only when I would have loved a sibling for dd. It hurt like hell when he breezed in to tell me the ow was pregnant with the child he always said he never wanted but I’d longed for by saying ‘oh dd, are you going to tell your mum the big news with me and X?’. Don’t get me wrong, their child is lovely, I don’t think anything bad towards her for wanting a child - it was the thought that he was going to be a dad again when all chances of me being a mum again had gone, and it was him that had stopped it (I was an older mum as it was and had no partner for years).
So depending on the circumstances be prepared to cut her some slack - it’s not always that easy especially when you are hurting for the child you never had and trying to be enthusiastic for your very much loved child’s excitement about getting a sibling.
Luckily it has all worked out well for us all, but it was something that hurt and hit far more than even I thought it would.

@BlueBirdsOverDover I'm sure we could've managed to work that one out but thanks anyway!

@Foslady thank you, and sorry you had to go through that. I have no idea about my DPs past relationship with her so am unaware of any chats re children, but she has had a new partner for a while and DSD talks about how mummy might have a baby when they move house. So my concern was that she would be upset that we were having a baby and it's clearly something she would like also. It's not stopping her of course but if I was her I would find that tricky.

Thanks all for your posts.

Jeez