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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my weathy friend is wasting her time?

91 replies

firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:25

I've just been told that my best friend, who's on a 6 figure salary (not beginning with 1!) is about to take her ex to court for child maintenance and housing allowance.

On one hand, her ex turned into a total twat in the split (10+ year relationship, owned house together, planned baby) - he walked out on her for OW when the baby was 1 and as she was just returning to her high powered job after mat leave. Also, he's absolutely loaded (and semi-famous) - probably a millionaire several times over.

On the other hand, she's doing very well herself, and should easily be able to support herself and her child. They live well, in a nice house, she has a nanny, good support network, and a lovely new partner.

FWIW the dad only see the child once a fortnight. All the heavy lifting is done by my friend. This was a mutual agreement and everyone seems happy about it.

I don't know if I'm BU in thinking she should just carry on with her life and not spend 5 figures and loads of time on legal expenses when she can't need the money? But then, of course the child's dad should support the child... What do you think?

(I'm afraid it might sound like I have a case of jealousy here, yes and no - I've known her since we were tiny, and think she absolutely deserves her life, and I'm really glad to be part of it. But of course it does seem like a massive first world problem too!)

OP posts:
Bojangles33 · 02/05/2018 16:28

Surely it isn't about whether she needs the money and is more about the fathers responsibility to contribute to the upbringing of his child?

Queenoftheblitz · 02/05/2018 16:28

He nee

AnathemaPulsifer · 02/05/2018 16:28

The child's dad should pay his share. It's not all on her just because she has plenty of money. Would you have thought she should pay for everything for her and their child if they were still together, so he could spend all his money purely on himself?

honeysucklejasmine · 02/05/2018 16:29

So the father shouldn't have to pay for his child? Confused

Dozer · 02/05/2018 16:30

Yabu. The father has means and should pay whatever the court deems fair in the circumstances. Your friend’s current earnings could change.

ChasedByBees · 02/05/2018 16:30

Her circumstances may change, no one knows. He should be made to contribute and if she can afford to go to court, why not?

Dozer · 02/05/2018 16:31

Your friend is fortunate, but it is pretty hard to earn megabucks and be a single parent, and it’s not more of a “first world problem” than many other breakups.

Grumpyoldblonde · 02/05/2018 16:31

Of course he should contribute to his childs upbringing.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 02/05/2018 16:31

He should absolutely support his child regardless of what she earns. From what you have said he is the wealthier of the two. It irks me beyond belief when I see on these boards how many ex’s think they can walk away from their children when they leave their wife. Shame on him and good for her.

Queenoftheblitz · 02/05/2018 16:32

He needs to support his child irrespective of what she earns.
High earners tend to pay out on expensive choices such as private schools, horses etc. She wants the best for her child so I don't blame her.
Also when the child is older, how will she feel to know her dad didn't contribute to her upbringing?

Bramble71 · 02/05/2018 16:32

He should definitely support the child, and his contribution towards housing costs would come out of that, surely? She sounds perfectly capable, between her salary and any CM, to keep a roof over their heads. Why would she need a 'housing allowance'?

corlan · 02/05/2018 16:32

I think if you have a child, you have a responsibility to support that child financially.
Doesn't matter what your earnings are.

ConciseandNice · 02/05/2018 16:34

He should be supporting his child. She can put the money away in trust for them. It’s got nothing to do with her needing the money or not. It’s the principle.

BlancheM · 02/05/2018 16:35

Haha. Nope. The father shouldn't have to provide for his own child's upbringing, because the mother grafts and does it all?
Also, it won't cost her much in court, as the law is clear cut when it comes to paying for your children.

KarmaStar · 02/05/2018 16:37

If course he should support his child!why on earth should be not?
Your friend is in a good position but so what?
I am sorry but I don't understand why you think he should not pay.for all you know she is putting the money aside for her child's future.
But regardless,why are you asking a lot of strangers if your friend is entitled to child maintenance?

BlueSapp · 02/05/2018 16:37

He should pay his fair share, Its not about what she has that is irrelevant.

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/05/2018 16:37

Agree with PP. Father should be paying his share for the child regardless of what the mother earns.

Original poster
firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:38

Just to clarify - they weren't married, so I think the legal recourse she has is a bit different. So for example she definitely wouldn't be entitled to maintenance for herself.

So re. the housing allowance I think that's one of the only things she can claim, so though she can afford to house herself and her child, if she wants the maximum contribution from her ex she needs to claim this.

Secondly, just to say that I totally get that he should support her child, I just question whether it is worth he time/money to fight it, when she's finally got to a really good place after some really bleak times (I saw a lot of it and it was really horrible... his behavior was truly shocking and makes me question mankind in general)

OP posts:
Buglife · 02/05/2018 16:39

He should support his child, end of. He doesn’t get away with not doing so just because the child’s mother works and earns enough to keep the household going herself.

Bluelady · 02/05/2018 16:41

Why on earth wouldn't she? He was there when she got pregnant, wasn't he?

corlan · 02/05/2018 16:41

I just question whether it is worth he time/money to fight it, when she's finally got to a really good place

Original poster
firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:41

KarmaStar, Thanks for your comment. In reply I'm not asking whether she is entitled to it - I guess my first gut reaction when I heard was 'why go back to that horrible place when you don't need the money?', but perhaps that isn't really the right way to think...

OP posts:
Popadoodledoo · 02/05/2018 16:42

It doesn't matter if she doesn't need the money. Just because she's earning a good wage and has some money, doesn't mean he shouldn't pay for his kids.

redexpat · 02/05/2018 16:42

Ive heard it said that we only have the principles we can afford. If she has the time money and energy to chase the irresponsible prick and make him face the consequences of his actions then I say bloody well done to her and wish her well.

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/05/2018 16:42

YABVU.

The child has a right to be supported by both its parents. One parent doesn't get a free pass just because the other is comfortably off. The child is entitled to benefit from the wealth of both.

What business is it of yours anyway?