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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my weathy friend is wasting her time?

91 replies

firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:25

I've just been told that my best friend, who's on a 6 figure salary (not beginning with 1!) is about to take her ex to court for child maintenance and housing allowance.

On one hand, her ex turned into a total twat in the split (10+ year relationship, owned house together, planned baby) - he walked out on her for OW when the baby was 1 and as she was just returning to her high powered job after mat leave. Also, he's absolutely loaded (and semi-famous) - probably a millionaire several times over.

On the other hand, she's doing very well herself, and should easily be able to support herself and her child. They live well, in a nice house, she has a nanny, good support network, and a lovely new partner.

FWIW the dad only see the child once a fortnight. All the heavy lifting is done by my friend. This was a mutual agreement and everyone seems happy about it.

I don't know if I'm BU in thinking she should just carry on with her life and not spend 5 figures and loads of time on legal expenses when she can't need the money? But then, of course the child's dad should support the child... What do you think?

(I'm afraid it might sound like I have a case of jealousy here, yes and no - I've known her since we were tiny, and think she absolutely deserves her life, and I'm really glad to be part of it. But of course it does seem like a massive first world problem too!)

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/05/2018 17:08

Maybe this is just something she needs to do. Maybe she will lose, but she will know that she tried. I would try, because I can live with not winning, but I hate myself when I just roll over and let people treat me badly.
Even if she doesn't need the money, it could be saved for when their child wants to go to university or buy a house. That could be a huge boost at a time when lots of young people struggle. The child is entitled to the money, even if not having it doesn't mean starvation.

TomHardysLittleWeener · 02/05/2018 17:09

The child has a right to be supported by both its parents. One parent doesn't get a free pass just because the other is comfortably off. The child is entitled to benefit from the wealth of both.

This.

Dozer · 02/05/2018 17:10

You have dripfed and your OP sounded unsympathetic.

Presumably she has had legal advice that she has a decent chance of him being ordered to pay maintenance.

The poster talking about 50/50 - it’s not likely to benefit DC to have 50/50 residency when their father doesn’t want this, has a history of avoiding paying maintenance, and was abusive towards their mother.

blinkowl · 02/05/2018 17:11

She may feel it's something she has to do.

Your desire to help your friend is admirable but we don't always help people by trying to protect them from themselves / wrapping them in cotton wool.

It's her choice whether she wants to go ahead. What you can do is talk to her, be a good listener so she's had a chance to talk the options over with someone with s sympathetic ear

Highhorse1981 · 02/05/2018 17:14

She won’t need to spend loads.

She’s entitled to money. As long as she doesn’t go hell to leather, it shouldn’t cost a lot.

PickAChew · 02/05/2018 17:14

Why on earth should a very wealthy man not contribute financially towards his own child just because his ex has some money of her own?

Are you the father, op? If so, shame on you.

sockunicorn · 02/05/2018 17:18

I think she should go for the money. its not for her - its for his DC. So her wealth has absolutely nothing to do with the situation. Plus maybe if he sees a chunk of his wages going out each month he may think twice before impregnating and running again :)

TheClacksAreDown · 02/05/2018 17:19

When I discuss with colleagues the possibility of litigation I always ask them to think about what “winning” really looks like here. Which if they think about carefully they often conclude that being tied up for prolonged periods on painful backwards looking issues isn’t worth the chances of the people who have wronged them getting a spanking. So I get the OP’s concern.

However I’m sure the mother is an intelligent woman and has considered the emotional cost to herself in this action. And given that it should be pretty straight forward to prove he should pay maintenance it seems a perfectly legitimate decision to me to want to hold her child’s deadbeat dad accountable for his actions.

MismatchedStripySocks · 02/05/2018 17:19

Are you actually her ‘friend’ or the new girlfriend of the ex-partner? Hmm

Crispbutty · 02/05/2018 17:20

Is he now remarried to someone who is famous too by any chance.

ALongHardWinter · 02/05/2018 17:22

I really don't think it has anything to do with how much she earns,and everything to do with the fact that he has moral and legal responsibility to contribute towards the cost of raising his child.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/05/2018 17:32

I can see why you might feel it's not worth it because of the stress of dealing with a shitty man once you have moved on, but it is worth it, if she feels it is. She can put the money in savings or in trust for the DC (it would be worth putting some of it in a savings account she can access in case she finds herself in a tough financial position some time in the future).
And it's an overall Good Thing to put shitty men in their place and remind them that they are not above the law and can't do exactly as they like, regardless of other people.

swingofthings · 02/05/2018 17:33

She doesn't need the money to offer her child a good life. So it's either a case of fighting moral on behalf of her child or wanting to confront him.

I don't buy the first reason. Her child will have the option to decide when they are older whether their father is a waste of time because he couldn't be bothered to pay for her, she won't need the help of your friend to decide on her behalf. If he pays against his will, how does this make him a more committed and dedicated dad?

Of course, it's totally different when the money is needed to offer a decent life to your child, but it's not her case. So I think she is using this as an excuse when really, she is still angry and wants to make him pay. It's about her, not her child.

Iloveacurry · 02/05/2018 17:35

Yes she can support herself and her child, but sorry, he needs to contribute too.

GnotherGnu · 02/05/2018 17:37

Does she need to take it to court at all? Can't she leave it to CSA?

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 02/05/2018 17:37

Doesn’t matter who earns what. She didn’t climb on top of herself and get pregnant so unless they share care and costs 50/50 right down the middle the NRP needs to cough up at least the bare minimum of what CMS say they should.

justabunchofbunting · 02/05/2018 17:37

I think YABU as he should not be allowed off the hook just because of his exes hard work. He should contribute fairly for his child on principle.
I agree that she should not pursue it relentlessly in terms of bitterness or vengeance because that will have a bad effect on her long term... but having a go at making him pay what is fair is far from that.
I think its fair enough for her to have a go at making him contribute. She will be doing women everywhere who DO need the money a favour by enforcing what is right and fair.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 17:37

Does she need to take it to court at all? Can't she leave it to CSA?

More holes than a bloody sieve in their approach. Far too easy for the NRP to dodge paying.

Aridane · 02/05/2018 17:41

To the poster who said, in relation to her own situation and her own daughter: It will affect their relationship once she is old enough to understand how he went out of his way to avoid paying anything to support her. - do you intend telling your DD what a crap provider her father was and poison what relationship there is?

CruCru · 02/05/2018 17:41

This is an interesting thread. Presumably if the friend has decided to take her ex to court, she has good reasons for doing so. Plus, her being a high flyer now may not mean that she always will be.

Even if she doesn't need the child maintenance now, it could go into an ISA for university / a house deposit.

OpheliaStorm · 02/05/2018 17:42

The little kid is and should be the centre of all this.

I know it is not unusual for a father not to volunteer to maintain his child (and could happen the other way round too I suppose), but that is so awful, especially when they can well afford it.

I don't know anymore. Is is a revenge thing or what?

OK take me to court you xxxxx.

But that's life. Let her take him to court. He is obliged to maintain his child no matter what income the other parent has. Surely??

swingofthings · 02/05/2018 17:42

I must have missed something but if he is seeing his child regularly and is snowed under wealth, why doesn't he want to pay.

Also no idea what you are on about housing allowance. I am getting the feeling that there might be more to the story but you are only getting one side from your friend.

bonnyshide · 02/05/2018 17:43

He shouldn't get off Scott free just because she's wealthy, if he isn't paying for his child already he needs to start.

No matter how wealthy they are, when I hear about a dad not contributing towards his child...I think 'dead beat dad'

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 17:43

@Aridane DS1 knows his dad has never provided financially, emotionally, practically, medically or educationally. It’s not slating him, I don’t do that. It is a statement of fact in response to DS1s question, about why his dad doesn’t do the things other dads do.

AmazingPostVoices · 02/05/2018 17:45

So only low earning Mothers are allowed to expect their children’s fathers to support them?

Where do we make the cut off?

The neepartner is irrelevant-it’s not his child.

It might not feel worth it to you OP but it clearly is to her.

I’d support your friend, sounds like she’s had a hard time.

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