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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my weathy friend is wasting her time?

91 replies

firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:25

I've just been told that my best friend, who's on a 6 figure salary (not beginning with 1!) is about to take her ex to court for child maintenance and housing allowance.

On one hand, her ex turned into a total twat in the split (10+ year relationship, owned house together, planned baby) - he walked out on her for OW when the baby was 1 and as she was just returning to her high powered job after mat leave. Also, he's absolutely loaded (and semi-famous) - probably a millionaire several times over.

On the other hand, she's doing very well herself, and should easily be able to support herself and her child. They live well, in a nice house, she has a nanny, good support network, and a lovely new partner.

FWIW the dad only see the child once a fortnight. All the heavy lifting is done by my friend. This was a mutual agreement and everyone seems happy about it.

I don't know if I'm BU in thinking she should just carry on with her life and not spend 5 figures and loads of time on legal expenses when she can't need the money? But then, of course the child's dad should support the child... What do you think?

(I'm afraid it might sound like I have a case of jealousy here, yes and no - I've known her since we were tiny, and think she absolutely deserves her life, and I'm really glad to be part of it. But of course it does seem like a massive first world problem too!)

OP posts:
Original poster
firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:43

redexpat Grin

OP posts:
Furano · 02/05/2018 16:44

I would have said ‘fuck yeah, fight for it’ but after seeing what a messy divorce process did to my friend I’m not so sure any more. Sometimes walking away and never seeing that person again is better for you than being financially better off.

BlueSapp · 02/05/2018 16:44

his behavior was truly shocking and makes me question mankind in general)

^^ this is probably the reason she is perusing it when she is more than capable of supporting her child, why should he get away with being horrible at life and not paying for the responsibilities he has.

Original poster
firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:45

TooTrueToBeGood I asked because I want to support her. We have know each other for most of our lives, and I hope I was there for her through the really awful times. I am afraid that pursuing this will take her back to a really horrible place.

But you are right - it's her choice and I'm not trying to change her mind. I just wanted to ask for a general opinion.

OP posts:
corlan · 02/05/2018 16:46

I just question whether it is worth he time/money to fight it, when she's finally got to a really good place

I think that has to be her decision.
I have a DD who is 13 now and her Father has always avoided paying support. It still makes me sick to think of it. It still hurts me after all this time. It will affect their relationship once she is old enough to understand how he went out of his way to avoid paying anything to support her. The repercussions of this are deep and long-lasting. If I could get her 'justice' by taking him to court, I would. It's not about the money. It's about the rejection of responsibility.

Returnofthesmileybar · 02/05/2018 16:46

Course it is worth the time and money, don't be fucking ridiculous, yabvu!!

Original poster
firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 16:47

Furano Thanks, I think you've expressed exactly what I was thinking...

OP posts:
HappyFeet1212 · 02/05/2018 16:50

The question is really, what happens from here on in? . Well she will be tens of thousands of pounds worse off. She will be stressed & at the end of it, she will feel that the settlement is not fair.

Why not just agree 50/50 access. I'm sure 2 highly intelligent, successful & rich people can see that this is about caring for a child & not money. If she thinks the current arrangements are unfair, money won't fix that. Her ex having to step up and be the carer for 50% of the time is the best way to share the joys & stresses that will come over the next 20 years.

Fatted · 02/05/2018 16:51

I had a friend in a similar situation. Basically, she got to a good place after years of hostility between them. Then he stopped paying for their DC, so she started legal proceedings to get him to pay and all hell broke loose again. She wasn't that well off though. It was horrible to have to watch her get dragged into it all again.

It's not easy, but you do have to let her make her own decisions. He should be paying for their child and she should be able to fight for what their kid deserves. All you can do is be there for them if they need your support.

Queenoftheblitz · 02/05/2018 16:51

I see what you're saying. Some women would have dropped the claim because they were sick of fighting/wanted minimum contact with the ex.
Your friend is determined and probably angry whixh can be huge motivation to keep going.

Aylarose · 02/05/2018 16:54

I guess it might give her a sense of closure and it shows her ex that his actions weren't acceptable.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2018 16:55

Why should he get away with helping support his child just because he's a dick. She can pay good lawyers lots of money to keep all the crap away from her as much as possible and still make him do the right thing by his child.

I hear that you're worried about her - just be there. She can afford to pull the plug and walk away any time she wants, there's power in that

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 02/05/2018 16:57

I just question whether it is worth the time/money to fight it

It's not your money and it's not your fight. You are thinking about it as if 'if it were my money, I wouldn't do that', but it's not, so either support her, or butt out.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 16:58

I tried to get maintenance for DS1 from my bastard of an XH. Not because I needed or wanted it, but because I wanted to prove there’s more to being a parent than wearing a cheap suit and crying in court and rocking up once a fortnight waving a happy meal.

He found too many loopholes so I gave up in the end.

Glumglowworm · 02/05/2018 17:00

Of course he should have to pay to support his child! Why on earth shouldn’t he?

Good for her for having the energy to fight for it (and the money to afford it, but the emotional energy is the biggest thing imo)

Original poster
firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 17:03

Sleeping standing: the being able to walk away is power is a great way to think about it. Thanks.

Fatted and Smeddum: I think that’s the outcome I immediately thought when we talked about this, Sadly. I’m really sorry about your friend and your situation.

I really appreciate all your comments. I’m glad I put this out here because otherwise I would be questioning her over this, which wouldn’t be supportive at all.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 02/05/2018 17:03

I can't believe you think the child's father shouldn't contribute to it's upkeep??? Shock

Yes, it's a shame the father won't just pay up without having to be taken to court, but sadly that is the case for many people, rich and famous or not. I am sure your friend would rather not have to go to court, but clearly he isn't playing ball.

Waggingmyginger · 02/05/2018 17:05

Rich men can be useless irresponsible fathers who have to be taken through a legal process to contribute to their child. Who knew?
YABVVVU there is a toxic view that women are money grabbing gold diggers for daring to want their child to have some financial support from their fathers.
Parents shouldn't really need a judge to make them responsible. It's always sad for the child (ren) involved.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 17:06

I can see why you’d wonder why she was bothering tbh. But I get what she’s doing and why.

XH is the walking definition of deadbeat dad. I told him years ago to be a dad or fuck off, he’s done neither and pops in and out (aided by a court order Hmm) but does fuck all of actual benefit to DS1. All about asserting his rights but fuck all about responsibilities. So hearing of a woman with the means to do so making a stand is bloody inspiring tbh. It’s not an avenue open to many of us.

(I should clarify DS1 has never gone without, I and later DP and I have always made sure of that)

InfiniteSheldon · 02/05/2018 17:06

I'm with you it's not worth it.

Original poster
firstworldproblemsss · 02/05/2018 17:06

Everyone please can I just reiterate that I absolutely think his dad should support his child!!! Where on earth did that come from? Sorry if it wasn’t clear!!!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 02/05/2018 17:07

maybe she NEEDS to, not financially, but to actually make him step up and face up, and not just walk away with a smirk on his face.

When I finally had my day in court with the tosser who is my ex, and he got exactly what he deserved, it was vindicating. It meant that other people saw and validated what I had been saying, and had forced him, for once in his life, to not just do what the hell he wanted to, and to hell with the consequences.

Maybe she needs that. And maybe she needs to show her child that you dont get walked over, you stand up for what is fair.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 17:07

It was clear OP, don’t worry.

FloraFox · 02/05/2018 17:07

Depending on when this happened, she's got another 17 years of supporting her child during which time she'll face all the problems of trying to maintain a well paid job as a mother. Statistically, it's unusual for women to maintain this and your friend needs to contemplate that possibility. Of course she should ensure he is supporting his child.

LucyEvans26 · 02/05/2018 17:08

Not that its any of your business anyway but of course the father should pay! And it sounds like he's making way more than her anyway!