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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should I mention this to nursery manager?

62 replies

happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 13:39

Went to pick DC up from the baby room last night. Was looking through the window to spot her and heard another child crying. Said child was crawling past the door behind one of the nursery staff who was sat on the floor. She turned and grabbed the child by one arm and swung him towards her - hard to explain but in a "fucks sake" kind of way if anyone gets what I mean!? As she did it she saw me looking through the window so knows I saw her.

I'm kicking myself for not saying something there and then. Do I need to mention to nursery? It's playing on my mind but am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I'd be bloody furious if I saw her doing it to either of mine!

To complicate things a little more, I know the mum of the little boy, we are friends through our older children and meet very regularly outside of nursery - I don't want to create a huge drama but do I mention to her!? Help!

OP posts:
SmashedMug · 02/05/2018 13:44

I always think the way to tell if it's a mountain or a molehill is how would you feel if that was your child that you'd seen dragged? You'd be bloody furious so that makes it a mountain imo.

Speak to the nursery manager and tell them what you saw. It might be worth mentioning that you know the parent and you wanted to give them the chance to be professional about it before you mention it to the mum.

Then tell the mum anyway but in a factual way because she needs to know.

TeresasGreen · 02/05/2018 13:45

I agree completely with what SmashedMug has suggested.

Spudlet · 02/05/2018 13:48

I third that. As you say, if you'd seen that happening to your dc, you'd be (rightly, imo) outraged.

And if I was your friend, I would absolutely want to know. No question whatsoever of that.

hazeyjane · 02/05/2018 13:49

I would talk to nursery manager.

I work in a Preschool, if I saw another member of staff do this, I would take it further.

CatWhisker · 02/05/2018 13:52

Poor kid. Yes report it

Original poster
happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 13:53

Thanks all. I tend to overthink things and start to doubt myself - I know what I saw but I start to think what if I've made it worse in my own head!

Worryingly none of the other staff reacted - does this mean it's the norm, I don't know. Staff member in question doesn't look after my baby all day at the moment, but will do once baby moves up to the next room (the 2 rooms had joined up as it was the end of the day)

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 02/05/2018 13:57

Oh i'd be mentioning it to management yes !
Poor little thing :(

I'd be letting your friend know too!

GloGirl · 02/05/2018 13:57

How would you handle it if it was your baby she had done that to?

Original poster
happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 13:58

Also, my oldest child has been in that nursery for 3 years and I have never once raised an issue or had to complain. It's rated outstanding for OFSTED and I think it's a great nursery. I'd like to think they'd know I wouldn't cause an issue over something that I didn't think warranted it. I have gotten to know the manager and vice versa over the 3 years and know the deputy manager on a friendly basis (play dates outside of nursery with her child etc.).

OP posts:
Original poster
happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 13:59

PoliticalBiscuit - I think I would have probably left, fizzed about it all night and then said something the very next day! I'm rubbish in the moment!

OP posts:
Andthatsthat · 02/05/2018 14:05

I would report it. As previously said, if that was your child, you wouldn’t hesitate, and that’s your answer right there.

Very worrying that no one else in the room reacted. I would also mention this observation.

The dilemma for me would be whether to tell your friend. And I honestly don’t know what I would do there. I guess you can only consider would you want to know if it was your child?

Nkhutch · 02/05/2018 14:11

If you would say something to the manager if it was your child then yes say something. If it feels wrong mention it. You could approach it by saying " if that had been my child I wouldn't be happy so it needs dealing with"

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 14:14

She grabbed a crawling child (baby?) hard enough to swing them round? Definitely report it, that’s not appropriate or acceptable at all.

Original poster
happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 14:22

Smeddum - Yes, like a lift/swing motion to move him from behind her onto her knee but she just took him by the one arm, I can't think now if it was under his armpit or not but he was still dragged round rather than lifted.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 02/05/2018 14:23

Please advocate for this defenceless baby.

Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2018 14:32

I would report it to the manager, how they handle it will say a lot about the nursery, if nothing is done then maybe all the staff do it, then I would consider moving my child.

Also tell the child’s mother, the child may have a mark on its arm?

JessicaJonesJacket · 02/05/2018 14:33

Was he crying before she grabbed him or was he crying because of how she grabbed him? It's not relevant. I just couldn't tell from your post.

I'd speak to the nursery and the other mum about it.

Charolais · 02/05/2018 14:37

My ex DIL picked her daughter up by her arm every time - I was there for a week and my GC was 17 months old. She never did it in anger, its just how she picked her up. She was overweight and maybe didn’t want to bend down. It was awful to see.

Nesssie · 02/05/2018 14:38

Could she have done it as she was worried someone might open the door onto the child? And so quickly grabbed him to move him out the way?

Just as an alternate point of view?

Original poster
happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 14:38

JessicaJonesJacket - sorry, he was already crying. I could hear him before I saw him and I knew it was him - which has made me realise I know this child & his mum better than I thought, if I can recognise his cry! I am going to mention it later. I think my worry is that I know the staff member saw me so she will know it's me that has mentioned it.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 02/05/2018 14:39

@happymommaof2 I’d definitely report that. I’m not one to flip it over minor things at all, but this really isn’t minor. In fact I wouldn’t be happy having someone like that anywhere near my child. She sounds awful.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 14:39

I’d also speak to the wee boy’s mum, she needs to know. Don’t worry about the staff member knowing it was you, she’s got no grounds to get uppity with anyone!

ppeatfruit · 02/05/2018 14:41

If she did it while you were there then what does she do when no one is near? It doesn't bear thinking about, I would report to the HT.

Original poster
happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 14:41

Nesssie - I suppose that could be possible and actually she did say to him c'mon child you can't play in front of the door but I could tell by looking at her that she panicked when she saw me looking but was already mid-way through pulling him round.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 02/05/2018 14:49

I would mention it to nursery but if I were you, I'd want to be clear about what I was saying first. So I'd think about whether the child seemed distressed at the way they were moved; I'd think about whether the angle you were viewing it from might have impacted on how it looked, etc.
I think it is fine to move a child quickly away from a door which could hurt them. And I know that when I've been pulling my child out of danger, I've not always moved them in the best way. I've opted for expediency and safety first.
But this has worried you so you need to raise it so you can regain your trust in the nursery.

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