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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or should I mention this to nursery manager?

62 replies

happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 13:39

Went to pick DC up from the baby room last night. Was looking through the window to spot her and heard another child crying. Said child was crawling past the door behind one of the nursery staff who was sat on the floor. She turned and grabbed the child by one arm and swung him towards her - hard to explain but in a "fucks sake" kind of way if anyone gets what I mean!? As she did it she saw me looking through the window so knows I saw her.

I'm kicking myself for not saying something there and then. Do I need to mention to nursery? It's playing on my mind but am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I'd be bloody furious if I saw her doing it to either of mine!

To complicate things a little more, I know the mum of the little boy, we are friends through our older children and meet very regularly outside of nursery - I don't want to create a huge drama but do I mention to her!? Help!

OP posts:

Nesssie · 02/05/2018 14:51

Ah so she probably wasn't doing it maliciously or with intent to hurt, but probably let her frustration get the better of her and reacted with more force than necessary. And if that was the case, she may be shitting herself that you will report her - that should be enough to make her think twice next time!

If you don't want to cause a problem, is there any way you could bring it up with the manager but not mention her name? Just say you noticed a member of staff moved a child away from the door by one arm and it hurt the child?

Of course, that's if it was a spur of the moment move.

SmashedMug · 02/05/2018 14:59

It's the managers responsibility to assess and find out why the staff member moved the child as she did, not OP. If it was a moment of frustration leading to forceful movement, the manager still needs to make sure that the staff member is aware it was inappropriate. If it was a quick move to make sure the child was safe and not squashed by a door, the manager will find that out too.

It's nice that people are trying to make OP aware of all the different reasons a child might be moved with a bit more force than we'd like but it's important to remember too that sometimes some nursery staff don't treat children as we'd like. So when something like this gets witnessed, it's important that it's checked out properly.

I still think the fact she visibly panicked when she was seen makes it clear what type of action it was though!

Original poster

happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 15:00

I was thinking I'd mention it to the deputy manager who I know quite well. Tell her that I don't want to make a massive drama, explain what I saw and say, whether she was doing it out of frustration with the child (which is how I've interpreted it) or moving him quickly, something about it just didn't sit right with me and I wouldn't want my children treated like that.

OP posts:

kateandme · 02/05/2018 15:02

do you know her.is this the kind of thing she would do.
or did she look panicked because of how devastated she felt at your face,how it looked like and wot you must then be thinking.

Nesssie · 02/05/2018 15:04

SmashedMug agree but the tone has changed from She turned and grabbed the child by one arm and swung him towards her - hard to explain but in a "fucks sake" kind of way if anyone gets what I mean!? to moving a child out the way from a door, whilst saying 'c'mon child you can't play in front of the door’. And an accusation like this will unfortunately stay on this persons record, not matter the outcome.

Of course the OP should report, only she knows what she saw, but she must make sure she gives all the facts.

The panicked look is one I'm sure we've all given when doing something we shouldn't have...

Original poster

happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 15:09

Nessie - no she didn't say it as she was moving him she said it once he was on her knee and I'd said to him Oh dear "child" what's the matter as he was sobbing on her knee!

Also it hasn't changed from grabbing by one arm to just moving him - whatever her intentions where I remain of the same view that "She turned and grabbed the child by one arm and swung him towards her" in a frustrated manner. With more force than I would ever deem necessary.

OP posts:

JessicaJonesJacket · 02/05/2018 15:12

Smashed everyone has agreed OP should speak to nursery.
I was trying to help OP remember all the details so she can give the nursery as much info as possible. That can only help them in their investigation.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 15:17

That’s how I read it in the first place.

Nesssie · 02/05/2018 15:19

With more force than I would ever deem necessary. Then why are you even questioning reporting it?

Original poster

happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 15:21

@Smeddum I was replying to Nessie in case you thought my post was responding to you :)

Definitely going to talk to them tonight. I'm level headed enough to not be overly dramatic and I think they will know that too - I'm not calling for the girls job or anything, I just want all the staff to be reminded that we pay a lot of money for our children to be looked after properly.

Still really in 2 minds about whether to mention to his mum - I know general consensus is that I should but again don't want to cause a massive issue!

OP posts:

tigwig76 · 02/05/2018 15:25

Definitely report it. I used to be a nursery nurse and someone was sacked for something very similar. It was other staff too who reported her. I think the fact she panicked when she saw you speaks volumes.

SofieMonde · 02/05/2018 15:25

The mother needs to know. Let her decide how she wants to proceed.

Needs to be reported for sure. First the manager then higher. Safeguarding comes first.

Applesandpears23 · 02/05/2018 15:25

If that happened at my nursery I would be asked the time and they would be able to find it on the video and look at it themselves. Does your nursery have video?

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 15:26

@happymommaof2 no I didn’t, although I realised my last comment reads like that so I’m sorry. I actually posted it in defence of you when pp said you’d changed your story. Think I’m having a brain fart day today

Tumbleted · 02/05/2018 15:26

Would you want to know if it was your child OP? Would you be annoyed if your friend had seen something happen to your child that they deemed unnecessary and not told you?

Troels · 02/05/2018 15:32

From that description it sounds like a spiral fracture waiting to happen. Poor baby, I'd want to punch anyone who did that to my baby or any baby for that matter Please let the manager know.

Original poster

happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 15:32

I'm not sure if nursery have cameras - it's never been mentioned and never something I've needed to ask!

I just keep thinking if I didn't know who the child was I wouldn't be able to tell the parent and if nursery want to bring it up with her they can keep my name out of it. I'm worried about coming across as a troublemaker although I don't know why it's not like I'm making it up or I'm constantly tittle tattling to the nursery management!

OP posts:

ChoppedDaisy · 02/05/2018 15:33

Please report. I had a dislocated shoulder as a result of someone doing this and still have problems.
Elbows dislocations are very very common with grabbing of one arm in young children.

SmashedMug · 02/05/2018 15:34

I think you should tell your friend because the nursery might not. She needs to be able to chase it up and make sure her child is okay.

Tumbleted · 02/05/2018 15:36

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to stop focusing on how you’re going to look here and think about your friends feelings and, more importantly, the potential safety of her child.

Original poster

happymommaof2 · 02/05/2018 15:43

@Tumbleted you're absolutely right - kick up ass firmly received! :)

OP posts:

PorkyPortia · 02/05/2018 15:48

Glad you are reporting this happy
I’d go mad if someone did this to my child

MissEliza · 02/05/2018 16:02

You can't pull a small child by the arm! . Talk to the manager. I think you should tell the parent too. Screw looking like a troublemaker. These are small kids who need protecting.

ConciseandNice · 02/05/2018 16:11

I was in a similar situation. My son at this point was able to speak and I asked him about this member of staff and he pulled a face and I asked him why and he said that all the children were scared of her and that she shouted all the time. I took my son out immediately and had a meeting with the manager etc. I mentioned it to my best friend who’s son had the woman as his key worker. Did she take it seriously? Even though I’d seen something pretty awful and took my son out immediately? No. Not at all. She didn’t bother. Couldn’t believe it. She said that all nurseries are the same and she couldn’t take looking for another one.

SickofThomasTheTank · 02/05/2018 16:28

@Charolais Please tell me you didn't just sit there and not say/do anything about that?!?! That's child abuse! His arm could've been pulled out of it's socket!

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