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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that men never really cut the umbilical cord?

89 replies

TartanDr3ams · 02/05/2018 13:08

Im not doing a MIL slag off post before people think that..

I adore my DP.. most of the time we get on really well.

I adore my MIL.. most of the time we get on really well.

Like every couple, me and DP do have a little squabble now and then. And it is just that. We disagree on something,get in the huff with eachother, then later on make up and talk it out. That should be the end of it...were both adults.

But every single time we have a minor falling out he runs back to his mum and tells her an exaggerated version of events to make me look shit and him look a saint. He denies it..she gets distant and shitty with me but pretends she doesnt know and all is fine.. we make up and a day or so later shes fine with me again. I have spoken to him about it but he reckons its just cus its his mum and he doesnt want to look bad to her or her not know when hes annoyed..

Spoke to a few friends in real life and 4 out of 5 said their partners are the same. Im NOT jealous of how close he is to his mum and that she will always come first.. but at the same time she really doesnt need to be involved in every disagreement in our life...

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 02/05/2018 14:11

Sorry but no mine doesn't do this. His loyalty should lie with you. I tend not to discuss my arguments with DH with anyone apart from occasionally confiding in MY friend who hasn't got a relationship with my DH to spoil. Speaking to his mum is wrong and will affect her relationship with you and her opinion of you.

SecretIsland · 02/05/2018 14:14

No mine doesn't do this. He is loving but distant towards his mum and doesn't treat her as a mate or run to her when things go wrong.

Tbh I'd find it hugely off putting it he did. Mummies boys are not attractive.

Spaghettijumper · 02/05/2018 14:16

That's ridiculous behaviour - he tells tales about you to his mum?? How do you have any respect for him when he does that?

Apart from anything it puts his mum in a bad position because she'll naturally take her son's side but when things blow over she has to pretend she doesn't know anything. Awkward.

Tell your DP to grow the fuck up.

SecretIsland · 02/05/2018 14:17

Also my first instinct when clicking on this thread was to reply 'of course they do, dh cut both ds2 and ds3's!' 😂

Okaynowimconfused · 02/05/2018 14:17

That is not normal.

Original poster

TartanDr3ams · 02/05/2018 14:19

Seems my DP is an immature dick then 😂.

Luckily we argue very rarely and he is loving towards me.. just the odd time we bicker she knows his side of everything. He doesnt tell her all other personal stuff luckily.

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 02/05/2018 14:26

I have probably a better relationship with my MIL than my own mum. My fiance is on excellent terms with her, and would never air our differences to her. He loves her and treats her well, but recognises and takes account of her faults. We handle our approach to them - when necessary - as a team.

(He's not a bloody saint - but attached to the umbilical cord he very much is not!)

theunsure · 02/05/2018 14:27

Not true for us.

My DH is almost NC with his mother, almost but not quite. They live in different countries and barely ever speak.

I don't know anyone in RL (that is over the age of 21) that behaves like this.
I don't disclose our many and frequent rows to anyone

CookPassBabtridge · 02/05/2018 14:27

My DP has never done this and I think more women do it than men.

ShaniaTwainAndTheRubyKitKat · 02/05/2018 14:28

Cook I love your username smell my cheese you mother!!!!

ProzacAndWine · 02/05/2018 14:33

YWBU to assume all men are like this, if that's what your title means. I'd say it's weird behaviour, and I don't actually know any grown men myself who do this. My DH certainly doesn't. He chats to his mum a few times a month, sometimes about the less fun stuff in life, but never about anything that's just between him and I.

AjasLipstick · 02/05/2018 14:36

God OP YABU! I would say that MOST men with families, concern themselves more with their partner and children than their Mum!

I have to tell my DH to phone his up! He does love her...but he would barely call her if I didn't remind him.

He certainly wouldn't go telling tales to his Mum about our relationship.

He doesn't even tell his friends much.

TheSconeOfStone · 02/05/2018 14:38

My DH doesn’t do this. I’m more likely to update his mum on our lives than he is. MIL is more interested in the darling grandchildren now anyway.

PoorYorick · 02/05/2018 14:40

This is fair enough, but I’m a mother of (toddler) sons who has also never had a mother in law/ mum of boyfriend that wasn’t a nosey and controlling person. So. We go by what we know don’t we I guess.

That's your problem. Your personal experience is not a universal truth.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/05/2018 14:43

he doesnt want to look bad to her or her not know when hes annoyed.. But WHY? You must live in each others' pockets for this to arise at all.

How could she know 'he looked bad' in a row with you - unless he or you told her about the row? Why would he want her to know when he's annoyed? Does he tell her about his every passing emotion? Don't most people exchange news and catch up in far more general terms, when they see or speak to their parents?

Interesting contrast to the 'all sons are 'lost' to their wives, mothers can only stay close friends with daughters' view stated so often on here though. Humans, they're different from each other, shock!

AmazingPostVoices · 02/05/2018 14:45

and that she will always come first

Something about that ^^ isn’t right.

My DH is very close to his Mum, which is lovely. But he would never pick her over me. His first loyalty should be to his wife.

That doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be very close to his Mum, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t love her but his Mum definitely shouldn’t “always come first”.

Original poster

TartanDr3ams · 02/05/2018 15:32

I will always come second best to his mum. I didnt realise this was a bad thing until i made this thread.. id just kind of accepted it i guess.

Spose this thread has opened my eyes a little

OP posts:

AmazingPostVoices · 02/05/2018 15:36

In an argument between you and your MIL he’d support his Mum?

Does he rearrange things to suit his Mum?

Do your opinions count less than hers in big decisions?

Because if “yes” I’d see that as an issue and the running to Mummy during an argument is a symptom of it.

BarbarianMum · 02/05/2018 15:37

Dh certainly doesn't do this, even though he's close to his mum. I have been known to have a grumble about him to my mum though. If anything I would think its more common for women to "run home to mum and tell" just because mothers and daughters (on average) seem to talk more.

nocake · 02/05/2018 15:37

My ex wife used to do this. Neither I nor DW do it, but we don't really argue so there wouldn't be much to say.

LagunaBubbles · 02/05/2018 15:39

Why do you assume all men are like your DP?

Sallystyle · 02/05/2018 15:46

Well, DH has well and truly cut his.

Even when their relationship was decent he never did that.

However, I am extremely close to my mum and can tell her anything. I will often talk to her if I am struggling with a situation with my husband but it isn't done in a way to make him look bad and it wouldn't be over a minor squabble.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 02/05/2018 15:48

Depends on the man.

DH now had a great relationship with his late DM but never 'ran home' because he was and is, a grown man.

XH? Giant Manchild who ran home to his DM for sleep because newborn DS "kept him awake", and if I 'nagged him' for being a lazy cunt, she kept his bedroom just as it was as a teenager for him, and he liked that. He was 34. Binned that kind of relationship years ago.

You've just got a manipulative mummy's boy OP. Most men don't do this.

smartiecake · 02/05/2018 15:53

I disagree OP. I have been with my DH 22 years and neither of us has ever gone back to our respective parents after an argument. And there have been lots of arguments and rough times. Our youngest child has disabilities and this has put a huge strain on our marriage at times over the years but we have never ever told parents. We have seen our parents and we havent been speaking to each other following a row but have hidden it from them.
I would never ever accept coming 2nd, thats not right. We are a couple, partners with mutual respect and we have made our family together. Our marriage good timea and bad are private between us. And that is how it should be.

FatBottomedGal · 02/05/2018 15:54

Based on the relationship my DP has with his mother I'd completely disagree with your opinion, I don't think he tells her a huge amount of what's going on in his life at all, far apart from anything going on between the two of us!

BUT, based on the relationship my brother has with our DM...yep. He's a giant man-baby.

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