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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny issues- been off for 1.5 month

98 replies

Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:00

This is a moral dilemma.

We have a lovely nanny who’s an older lady. Lately her adult daughter has been seriously ill and been in and out of hospital. Often she’d call us at short notice, like an hour before she’s due to start work and then been off for the entire week.
This has been going on since March.

Although I do sympathise with her situation, I’m thinking of hiring a new nanny this month as my current nanny can’t tell me when she’ll be back to work. Last week she showed up one day and said her daughter is now better. So I held off hiring a new person, but this week she said the daughter is in hospital again.

Obviously it hinders a lot of things that I want to do during the day (like going to my classes)

I’m still paying her 100% but I’m not thinking perhaps in May I’ll follow the labour law and only pay her partially. But she’s hard up on money as a single mum but I feel I’m not a charity either. Besides she has her mother who lives with them taking care of her daily cooking needs and she has 2 other adult children who could take time off to care for their sister.

AIBU to not pay her 100% in May but say 75% because I need to fill her position too with a temporary nanny who costs much more as I’m paying by the hour.

Am I a bitch for replacing her by June if she isn’t coming back?

Not in the UK

Thanks all

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2018 09:46

Juells
Just seen your cross posts. Lol

Yes you really are being taken for a mug - as a rich westerner.

reddressblueshoes · 02/05/2018 09:46

I'm sorry but 'four times the living wage' seems like a bit of an exaggeration. It's entirely possible people earning 200/month are living in shanty towns, in hugely overcrowded rooms, reliant on other family
members, etc etc. I think people are misunderstanding that going rate means a livable amount of money, which isn't necessarily the case.

That being said, she's clearly managed to have daughters university educated and is presumably doing ok. I would agree it might be worth a conversation about the way forward to see what she suggests- you may find if she understands there's a real threat she can find a cousin to step in and mind your son when she isn't there, or another alternative.

If her daughter is seriously ill though, I understand why she won't want to pay a cheaper and probably less educated person to be the interface with the doctors etc. I think if you're prepared to be open to alternatives, while stressing this can't go on forever, then she can't complain if ultimately you do end the relationship.

reddressblueshoes · 02/05/2018 09:49

Also, I hate the idea that because people are poor they must be lying.

We had a guard when I lived overseas who asked if we could pay for him to have a tooth removed. We chatted about it, and agreed to do it. He brought us the tooth! As proof. Because obviously that's the level of suspicion he's used to getting from western employers.

She's shown the op photos, presumably the same thing. Have those of you being suspicious lived in a developing country? There is an expectation families step in because the state doesn't, and employers do to a certain extend for similar reasons. She may be pushing boundaries with how she's hoping you'll take all this, but I doubt she's made up an unwell daughter.

Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2018 09:49

I think you are being taken for a mug. Even if her daughter is ill it’s not really your responsibility to provide for them. You are paying her for doing nothing. You need to put your family and needs first and get another nanny.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2018 09:49

reddress
Op sounds like a reasonable woman. I’m sure she’d find a way to accommodate the nanny liaising with the doctors. You don’t need to be there 24/7 to see them. Just to know the time they do their rounds or times they are available. And yes, I do agree with what you are saying about $200. But again. This is not ops problem.

reddressblueshoes · 02/05/2018 09:53

@Mummyoflittledragon - not the OPs responsibility, but I have to laugh at the idea of some of the hospitals I've been in having a set time doctors do their rounds, or even particularly agreeing to volunteer to meet patients families.

But yes, the OP is reasonable and what's she's suggesting isn't unreasonable.

I'm just saying, if the context is anything like I imagine then the nanny isn't necessarily being a piss-taker in the way she would be if she were in the U.K. or a lot of other countries, and people are being affair ascribing malicious motives to her when what she's doing may be relatively close to the norm for the country she's in. Expecting the OP who is a visitor to the country to assume U.K. norms apply is a bit unrealistic, if anything, though it does sound like she's figuring her way to a reasonable way of handling it.

CommanderDaisy · 02/05/2018 09:54

reddressblueshoes
Yes.
Which is why I am suspicious.

CowesTwo · 02/05/2018 09:55

You have to tell her that you can't be without a nanny any longer, and as she is unable to work, you have to replace her with someone you can rely on. Remind her how many days off she has had and yet still been paid in full for. Give her a modest severance. If she's that good, with good English, surely she will pick up another job anyway, and you can get your life back.

Hillingdon · 02/05/2018 10:33

Definitely definitely not being unreasonable. Sending her daughter to collect her salary - she hasn't done anything!

Hillingdon · 02/05/2018 10:38

Cowes has summed it up. You need someone who can undertake the role. She cannot do so at this time so you need to find someone else. If she becomes available full time in the future she can let you know (but by then I suspect you will have found someone more reliable).

I am in the UK and my FTSE 100 company would give people 5 days for a spouse dying! There is some leeway with this but generally if you need to take more time you are expected to take leave/unpaid etc

newbowls · 02/05/2018 10:56

reddress I only stated four times living wage based of the OPs statement that "Yeah $200 is just enough to live on if you’re married."

Original poster

Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 11:16

Thank you everyone. I called her to come here tomorrow so we can have a chat about her situation.

OP posts:

harshbuttrue1980 · 02/05/2018 12:05

If you really care about your staff, have you considered giving her a contract and not paying her cash in hand? Paying her cash in hand means that she is very vulnerable if she finds herself out of work, and won't have paid into the state pension etc. Look at it another way - would YOU (or your husband as you said you don't work) be prepared to work under these conditions?
Many people who go abroad seem to think that people in other countries are somehow different to us in their needs, and their desire to lord it over "staff" that they couldn't afford in their own country and often don't even need overtakes any ethical considerations. I'm guessing you wouldn't have a nanny while you faff around with "flexible courses" if you were still in the UK and had to pay minimum wage, give a contract etc??

Juells · 02/05/2018 12:21

I'm guessing you wouldn't have a nanny while you faff around with "flexible courses" if you were still in the UK and had to pay minimum wage, give a contract etc??

The OP has been more than fair, why are you trying to guilt her?

DrWhy · 02/05/2018 13:04

I doubt she’s making the situation up but I do think she’s taking advantage of your generosity. I have employed an Amah in what sounds like a somewhat similar country, she would never have pushed this so far.
I would suggest either offering part pay from now on - 25% seems reasonable if that’s just about liveable - although won’t maintain her current responsibilities, or a return to work by x date, full time and reliable and if not then x months of servarence pay.

TeisanLap · 02/05/2018 13:14

You’re all right, I’m being taken for a mug here

I don’t think you are. I suspect it’s considered the norm when employing people in impoverished countries - you’re actually taking on their family as well. I doubt she’ll be thinking that what she’s doing is anything less than normal.

And it’s very true what you’ve said about their expectations because your a foreigner.

You’ve been a good employer and a decent human being but it’s time now to make other arrangements in order to get your house and family life back to normal.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/05/2018 13:31

she might think I should just help her out as we as foreigners are “wealthy “ according to the locals

Nail on the head right there - and you've confirmed her view by paying 4x the going rate, $1000 for medical care and no doubt more

Generosity and relying on "honour" are fine if the employee shows commitment, but now you're being taken for a complete mug and it's time to bring this to an end

Whatalovelymug · 02/05/2018 13:37

You’ve been generous. Time to end it now. You can give her a reference for a new job. If she’s been recieving four times the going rate, she’ll be able to tide herself over.

Mumto2two · 02/05/2018 13:49

Oh my goodness, you have been very generous OP! I had a similar part time arrangement with someone a few years back, and they started doing the same thing. I ended it when I discovered they had lied about a death in the family. Your generosity is sadly being abused here. Definitely time to call it a day.

Mumto2two · 02/05/2018 13:51

And I also agree, sometimes the rich foreigner’s generosity card, is relied on a little too far. While people are willing to be generous mugs, there will always be plenty willing to chance their arm....sad but true.

xinchao · 02/05/2018 14:01

We live in a similar sounding country (and have lived in others) with a nanny and other staff. My advice would be to pay her off. We have done this before. Usually we pay one month for every year worked as severance pay (although that could work out to be very expensive at $800 a month).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/05/2018 16:11

Since you've been so trusting but made it clear your generosity's been taken advantage of, can I just mention that you might want to be watchful after breaking any "bad news"

I'm absolutely not saying that anything untoward will happen, only that it sometimes can - as with a friend who lost a lot of items after a similar scenario. Incidentally she too was shown "photographic proof", except that the pic later turned out to be of someone else completely ...

DevilsDoorbell · 02/05/2018 17:24

Good luck with the conversation. Expect tears and more sob stories

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