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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny issues- been off for 1.5 month

98 replies

Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:00

This is a moral dilemma.

We have a lovely nanny who’s an older lady. Lately her adult daughter has been seriously ill and been in and out of hospital. Often she’d call us at short notice, like an hour before she’s due to start work and then been off for the entire week.
This has been going on since March.

Although I do sympathise with her situation, I’m thinking of hiring a new nanny this month as my current nanny can’t tell me when she’ll be back to work. Last week she showed up one day and said her daughter is now better. So I held off hiring a new person, but this week she said the daughter is in hospital again.

Obviously it hinders a lot of things that I want to do during the day (like going to my classes)

I’m still paying her 100% but I’m not thinking perhaps in May I’ll follow the labour law and only pay her partially. But she’s hard up on money as a single mum but I feel I’m not a charity either. Besides she has her mother who lives with them taking care of her daily cooking needs and she has 2 other adult children who could take time off to care for their sister.

AIBU to not pay her 100% in May but say 75% because I need to fill her position too with a temporary nanny who costs much more as I’m paying by the hour.

Am I a bitch for replacing her by June if she isn’t coming back?

Not in the UK

Thanks all

OP posts:
FleeceDetective · 02/05/2018 08:30

The trouble as well is it seems her communication has been very poor with you. The least she owes you is a sit down conversation every week to explain what's going on/timescales/gratitude at your understanding.

If she's used up a whole years worth of annual leave already, then there's no legitimate reason for her to collect any salary this week is there?

ShinyShooney · 02/05/2018 08:31

YABU to sack her by June. Sack her now. What is she being paid for currently. Her daughter is coming to collect her salary?! Say no work, no salary!

Tinkobell · 02/05/2018 08:32

I'd give your lady a final chance. Have a meeting. Lay down what you need. Discuss with her, her new alternative arrangements (rest of family) for next daughter crisis .....so who else will go, all this stuff. Explain that you need stability and some service. Ask her if she can commit to that. If you are willing to be flexible on any time (maybe you agree to a half day per week in lieu of pay) state clearly what you can and cannot do. Try that. Draw the line very clearly.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:33

Apparently at the government hospitals here, she needs to be there to feed her and help her go to the bathroom. She said she feels she wants to take care of her child fearing that she might be well treated in those hospitals (she’s been moving from one to another).

Yes communication has been poor because she has not been able to tell me exactly what’s wrong with her daughter. Why she’s that sick, and not able to tell me when she’ll be back.

OP posts:
TrickyD · 02/05/2018 08:33

When the adult daughter turns up to pick up the wages, ask her why she isn't looking after her sister, or ask her to stay to look after your child.

WishingOnABar · 02/05/2018 08:35

By June?! Op you are being too flexible here. I’m in the UK, if I had to stay off for a sick child I would have to take that as unpaid dependants leave. I would also have to come in for a review if I took off more than two weeks running, and could potentially receive a disciplinary letter on file. That’s with UK laws in place to protect workers

You are within rights to pay half last months salary and serve notice now

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:37

Thanks a lot everyone

It’s a relief to know I’m not being cruel here

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 02/05/2018 08:38

If this nanny was in the UK, she'd be out on her ear in five seconds flat. She is taking the mickey out of you. She is not doing her job and relying on your good faith to not check up on her.
Have you been to see her at her house? Have you seen the 'ill' daughter?
If you were an UK employer you'd be doing a home visit to check on their welfare.
And to think, low wage workers in the UK can get sacked for being ill...

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:39

I just don’t want her to look after my child now if she holds grudge over me not paying her over non-work this month and she might think I should just help her out as we as foreigners are “wealthy “ according to the locals.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:40

No I haven’t checked on her. I trust what she says is true.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 02/05/2018 08:41

I'm assuming it's not the sick daughter coming to collect the money? Shock

spatchcock · 02/05/2018 08:41

I lived in a neighbouring country to Guatemala and I know how you can end up feeling responsible, not only for your employee but for their wider family. It's a tough one. But you do have to look out for yourself, too. I think you've been very generous.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:43

It’s the other daughter. Not the sick one

OP posts:
Joanna57 · 02/05/2018 08:43

Just give her a month's notice. That should be plenty of time to sort care out for her own daughter, or agree to leave and you find another nanny.

But I agree with you - she will probably hold a grudge, bad mouth you to the locals, and make your feel bad.

Devil if you do, devil if you don't........

Sunnymeg · 02/05/2018 08:43

If I were you, I would tell her that any leave she now takes will be unpaid. Although I sympathise with her situation, she has had more than adequate time to find care for her daughter and put that in place. If she had a regular job for a regular firm, she would have been expected to sort this out weeks ago. I needed round the clock care, following a major operation that went wrong. A rota of friends took care of me whilst DH was at work.

ellaV · 02/05/2018 08:46

Vanessa I agree with your last post about her maybe holding a grudge, that would scare me. To be honest, if her child were really that sick, she actually won't care if she's sacked right now as her own child comes first right now. Get rid, and put a reliable nanny in place for your children and your life. Do they have nanny agencies where you are?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:54

Yeah they have agencies. My friend introduced me to her old nanny who’s available now, but I wanted to ask if I’m AIbu first before making decisions

OP posts:
CocoaGin · 02/05/2018 08:54

If you are paying her a full wage, she's not going to make any effort to come back. However if you weren't paying her, she'd soon be back at work. You've been lovely and kind, but you've also been massively taken advantage of. Stop paying her!!

Wdigin2this · 02/05/2018 08:55

Well this situation obviously can't continue, so you're going to have to bite the bullet, and tell her you're replacing her as of today! I know that's sounds harsh, but this is the real world, where people employ other people to do a job.....but it's not getting done is it?

Juells · 02/05/2018 08:56

Anyone who hasn't worked but sends her daughter to collect her wages is taking the piss. How do you know she even has a daughter in hospital?

crimsonlake · 02/05/2018 08:57

She has no incentive to come back to work if you are still paying her. You have been very kind, but I think you must give her an ultimatum now.

Juells · 02/05/2018 08:58

PS, as you've said yourself...don't trust her with your child now, replace her immediately.

I'd pay when the daughter shows up, with a pleasant smile on my face, and wish her well, but tell her you've unfortunately had to replace her and have another nanny now.

reddressblueshoes · 02/05/2018 08:59

In many countries, family have to be in hospital pretty much around the clock as no personal care is done by the nurses- the family have to feed, bathe and toilet their ill relatives, sometimes bringing the food, sometimes even administering medicine. I'm that situation, she probably doesn't have much choice.

There are also many countries where the pay for help like that is so low compared to what expats earn the expectation is you will have an array of staff almost as a public good, whether you need them or not. RE how long to pay her, I think partly it depends on how much you pay her, and how much that meaningful is to you.

I worked in a country where we had a shared maid who we paid the equivalent of 150 dollars a month. Now we were not earning huge money, but that was less than 10% of my earnings an a paltry amount, yet it was still at the highest end of what people were paid. In that context, letting someone go in this circumstance can breed ill feeling, but there is a line after which you can be taken advantage of. It depends a lot on norms in the country and relative salary levels.

Would you consider giving her a severance amount? Ie saying, you need to find someone reliable, but here is two or three months salary? Is there a way of finding out what is the norm in the local and international community? Again, in the U.K. She would be long gone, but the UK has a social security net- in countries without one, employers often do randomly pay for family hospital expenses, dental work etc because there's no other way.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:09

She gets $800 per month, on the higher end of salary scale for nannies as she speaks very good English (most don’t). An ordinary nanny would be $200.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:11

Yes we gave her money towards hospital fees and medications.
I do feel responsible for her and the wider family. But I do feel that she could’ve allocated work to other family members as well.

OP posts:
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