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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny issues- been off for 1.5 month

98 replies

Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 08:00

This is a moral dilemma.

We have a lovely nanny who’s an older lady. Lately her adult daughter has been seriously ill and been in and out of hospital. Often she’d call us at short notice, like an hour before she’s due to start work and then been off for the entire week.
This has been going on since March.

Although I do sympathise with her situation, I’m thinking of hiring a new nanny this month as my current nanny can’t tell me when she’ll be back to work. Last week she showed up one day and said her daughter is now better. So I held off hiring a new person, but this week she said the daughter is in hospital again.

Obviously it hinders a lot of things that I want to do during the day (like going to my classes)

I’m still paying her 100% but I’m not thinking perhaps in May I’ll follow the labour law and only pay her partially. But she’s hard up on money as a single mum but I feel I’m not a charity either. Besides she has her mother who lives with them taking care of her daily cooking needs and she has 2 other adult children who could take time off to care for their sister.

AIBU to not pay her 100% in May but say 75% because I need to fill her position too with a temporary nanny who costs much more as I’m paying by the hour.

Am I a bitch for replacing her by June if she isn’t coming back?

Not in the UK

Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:12

She already got over $1000 in connection to the hospitalisation and her 100% pay for non work.
I’m thinking perhaps her severance pay could be $500? What do you reckon?

OP posts:
Juells · 02/05/2018 09:13

If that's considered high pay, I wonder why her mother or one of the children don't take over the hospital care, so that the mother can hold on to her job and keep bringing in the money?

newbowls · 02/05/2018 09:15

I have no knowledge of nannies nor how things may be different abroad, but the thing that strikes me is that she could just have been honest and explained that her daughter was ill, prognosis unclear and she may need an extended amount of time off. You are obviously generous so, assuming she knows this, the longer it continues the more it smacks of her taking the piss.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:16

Her daughter went to uni she told me and actually owns a car (a big deal here), I’d imagine her pay is over $1000.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:17

She said her mother can’t take care of the daughter as well as herself. The mother is in her 70s.. nanny in her 50s. Two daughters in their late 20s..

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2018 09:18

You are still being far too generous. You say the least amount for a nanny is $200 but you give $800. Is $200 just about enough to live on?

She also told you she was coming back then failed to do so. If she’s being paid so much over the basic rate, she can therefore afford to use her salary to pay a “nanny” to look after her dd. This person combined with her when she’s not working, her husband, daughter etc should be enough to give her ill dd pretty much found the clock care.

I’d suggest this. And if she doesn’t agree, tell her from now on you’re going to pay her the equivalent of $200 for every day missed and if she can’t sort something else out within the next 2/3 weeks, you’re going to replace her.

This sounds more than fair to me.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:19

Yeah $200 is just enough to live on if you’re married.

OP posts:
Juells · 02/05/2018 09:20

If her pay is way more than other nannies are paid, wouldn't it be more sensible for her to pay someone else to see to the hospitalised daughter's needs? She's doing this because she's been getting away with it, I think it's time for a serious talk where you ask her to either put proper arrangements in place for the care of her daughter, or leave. At this stage she seems to think she's doing you a favour to show up.

Juells · 02/05/2018 09:21

@Mummyoflittledragon X post Grin

snewname · 02/05/2018 09:22

Why can't she tell you what's wrong?
Ask her for a meeting and play it by ear. Perhaps agree a reduced amount if your country is like red suggests. Can you afford to view it as your "charity" contribution if she seems genuine at the meeting? Can you use a reduced payment to pay for extra occasional care?

Yanbu to let her go, but if you can afford it and she is in genuine need, it seems a shame. It very much depends on her attitude though. It doesn't bode well that she seems to expect it and hasn't been forthcoming about the situation.

underneaththeash · 02/05/2018 09:25

I really think you've been over-generous as it is. I would have no moral dilemma finding someone else.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:25

You’re right she does expect us to chip in and to still pay her.

It was my son’s 1 yr old birthday last week, that’s the only time she showed up. I thought since she’s been taking care of him since 6 weeks she’d at least get a card, instead I paid her more because it was a Saturday....

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:26

You’re all right, I’m being taken for a mug here

OP posts:
newbowls · 02/05/2018 09:27

You've been paying her four times the living wage for several weeks in which she hasn't turned up for work or explained how long it may continue.

Any offer you make which involves paying her anything sounds more than generous in this context.

ToothTrauma · 02/05/2018 09:28

Get rid. She’s taking the piss. You sound lovely tho Flowers

newbowls · 02/05/2018 09:29

Plus I'd figured your son was older and she had a very long established relationship.

CommanderDaisy · 02/05/2018 09:35

I have a ...er...suspicious mind sometimes, and I must ask.
Do you actually know her daughter is genuinely ill?
No diagnosis, you handing over extra cash to help out with hospital bills,moving from hospital to hospital, paying a higher wage etc?
It sounds a bit suspect.

blueshoes · 02/05/2018 09:38

IME, the 'ill relative' is the classic excuse for a nanny to take pisstake time off, as is I cannot tell you exactly for 'personal reasons'. You have both elements present in this case. Hmm

I cannot see her as acting in good faith. Best to terminate firmly and politely.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:39

She showed me pictures of her ill daughter in hospital but I haven’t gone there myself. I just have faith she won’t be lying.

OP posts:
IrmaFayLear · 02/05/2018 09:39

I was wondering if she is nannying elsewhere...

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 02/05/2018 09:40

She looked very worried so I wouldn’t think someone would do lie about their daughter being sick.

OP posts:
Juells · 02/05/2018 09:41

For all you know she's employed as a nanny elsewhere at the same time, giving the other family the same bunch of baloney Confused

Juells · 02/05/2018 09:42

@IrmaFayLear Another X post, we all have similar devious minds 😁

Fletchasaurus · 02/05/2018 09:43

Op this is a difficult position but I agree with pp, she is taking the mick a bit. I can't imagine how stressful it must be for her looking after her daughter, but have you had anything at all that 'proves' her daughter is sick? Your responsibility is to your life and your child, you need someone reliable who can be there when required, not be so hit and miss. Consider a severance but get it done.

CommanderDaisy · 02/05/2018 09:44

I'd ask to visit the daughter.
Plan to take a big basket of food to supplement the hospital food. If she stops you....well.

Like I said, suspicious mind here, but I think you are being done over.

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