MIL silent treatment can't take it anymore

[TheScandinavianWoman]

I don’t know how to deal with my MIL, as some of you know I’m leaving him but still living together until I sort things out. I’ve never had a good relationship with her and believe me I’ve tried ( I know some of you are gonna say wait til you’re a mil, seen some posters say that when OP is complaining about mil) but really I’ve tried everything to make her like me, I’ve bent over backwards to please her. She’s the most awkward person to be around, it doesn’t help that she lives so close and is popping in several times a week. She will not acknowledge me some days but will have full on conversations with her son, and if I do try to talk to her she will give me short cold answers. I’m always the one trying to start a conversation with her, she will not speak to me unless I speak to her first. She has a very weird relationship with her son, she pays some of his bills even though there was a time when he was working and could easily pay them himself. There was a time when she was paying them willingly, but one time she told him that she didn’t wanna pay it anymore, he had a big tantrum and she continued to pay. I think in a way he kind of controls her just as he was controlling me. She can’t stand up to him so if he speaks to her or shouts at her, she will just sit there and take it, where as she makes snide comments about me or slags me off to him. It’s like she’s using me as a scapegoat because she can’t stand up to him. Part of me thinks she’s treating him like this and doing all these things for him because she doesn’t want to fall out with him just as she has fallen out with her 3 daughters. They have gone NC with her, and the only person she has really is her son. She has no female friends or anything, I just can’t understand why she’s only like this towards women but will bend over backwards for men. Even my DD feels uncomfortable around her, she treats her different to DS. She treats STBEXH like a baby and will give me an evil look or will kiss her teeth if I say something to him she doesn’t like, one time she gave me the silent treatment for a week because I told him to shut up in an argument. She won’t say jack if he says something to me that’s not nice but as soon as I open my mouth there she is, kissing her teeth and rolling her eyes. He has no respect for me and will start arguments even when there’s other people in the house, she’s always there so she witnesses some of his rants.

Honestly I’ve tried everything to get along with this woman, it’s come to the point now where it affects my health, my anxiety goes through the roof when I know she’s due to visit. And she stays for hours and hours on end, which makes things so difficult . I can’t relax and I get all tense, I’ve started to get sharp shooting pains in my chest and I know it’s because of my anxiety. The sharp chest pains comes and goes whenever I fell stressed.

So should I just ignore her when she’s ignoring me and just get on with working and sorting things out so I can move out, or should I just kill her with kindness and speak to her even when she’s being cold towards me?

I don’t know what to do to make life easier for myself while I’m living here, I have no family here so can’t just up and leave. Ive thought of going out when she comes around but that would be too obvious. And most times I don’t even know she’s coming cuz he doesn’t tell me. Please help

Sounds horrendous OP.
Could you go out of the house or at least of the room when she's there? Does she only come round when your partner is home?

Is there any chance of your husband moving in with her until the house is sorted out? This sounds like such a horrible situation, it's hard to imagine he enjoys it, either.

I would take the high ground. She shouldn't be getting involved in anything between you and ex. Be coldly civil. Say hello, politely ask how she is. That is all. If she starts sticking an oar in/ is talking with her son say something like "I'll get back to you at a better time" to stbex. There's nothing between you and stbex she needs to be consulted on from your point of view. If stbex tries to drag her in use the same tactic. Be prepared to leave the room / house with something that needs doing if necessary. Always say you can see it's not a good time etc.
You don't have to get on with her. It's ok to just treat her with indifference.

Say hello and nothing more. Go to your room or go out when she comes round.
She doesn't like you and never will.
Thank god you will soon have this woman out of your life.

I have always found that the best way to deal with someone who is ignoring you is to be deliberately bright and breezy as if you were completely oblivious to the fact that they are being horrible.

So you don’t have to chat to her but say a cheery hello with a smile as you breeze past.

Respond to any snide remarks in the same breezy manner.

Please use silent treatment to control you and make you miserable. If you are clearly and visibly not miserable it drives them insane.

If you aren’t naturally food at faking cheerful just think how happy you are going to be when you have your own place and don’t have to deal with either of them.

Sounds like she knows exactly how her actions impact on your well being. You could try the " bright and breezy " act but sounds like MIL knows you pretty well and will soon gather it's all pretence, this could have her ramping up her awful behaviour even more.

For me I would swerve as much as possible.

She sounds horrible, but she is your STBX-MiL so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Could you not go out for a bit when she comes to the house?

A silent MIL? Sounds like heaven

Seriously though, agree with pps.

Just go L&B and ignore her sulks. She is obviously used to controlling those around her this way. Show her she won't do it to you.

I wouldn't even say hello in those circumstances. Into another room, or out, with the children. Leave her and her son together. How long will you be stuck in this situation?

" I’m always the one trying to start a conversation with her, she will not speak to me unless I speak to her first."

Then say hello and then let her sit in silence if that's what she wants - stop putting the effort in with someone who is just horrible back.

Wow, just stop with any effort!

In fact, laugh next time she tries the teeth kissing. If you can manage it, do it back. Or better still, a laugh and a 'Oooh I see Granny Narky Bum has arrived once again!'

Who gives a fuck about her? No-one. Not even her big tantrumming adult toddler son, who you soon won't have to put up with either.

The people that matter here are you and your kids. Don't be shy of making it clear to your DD and DS that her behaviour is awful, they don't have to accept it or spend time with her in future, yes you don't like her because she is HORRIBLE - and if she ends up lonely - this is why!

I didn’t make it to the end of your post op, but I’m wondering why you are trying to get on with her? I’d be civil but distant.
She is obviously very difficult, as you and her daughters can have found, so why put in the effort.
It’s a pity your dh can’t move in with her.

Your both adults so I'd treat her just like she treats you. It doesn't matter if she doesn't like you - you're not with your ex now anyway.

I agree make no more effort. A polite ‘hello ‘ and leave it at that . Be glad she will soon be out of your life.

I'm going to modify that age-old Mumsnet classic and say: You have a MIL problem, but your major problem is with your DH. He shouldn't be standing by, watching you treated this way. It's outrageous.

Kissing her teeth 😂 next time she starts up pass her some floss or maybe some denture glue.

Jesus how old is she?!

I wouldn't bother saying anything to someone like that Stbexmil or not.

I wonder how she'd react if you suggested that it would be lovely for her to have her shitty dear son to live with her until you could organise alternative accommodation for yourself and your DC? It would be a great relief to get rid of both of them at the same time.

I'd start the teeth sucking back at her too, as @FizzyGreenWater suggests

It’s like she’s using me as a scapegoat because she can’t stand up to him.

I think that's probably true. If you can find your way to feel sorry for her, really pitying, you can probably 'rewire' your reactions to her.

Realistically though, just ignore her and get on with whatever you were doing.

I’m always the one trying to start a conversation with her, she will not speak to me unless I speak to her first.

So don't speak to her beyond a quick 'Hello'. Why do you want to speak to someone who's this appalling, and soon to be out of your life, anyway?

Leave the house or at least the room as much as possible when she's around.

I'm guessing that she treats you like shit because her son treats her like shit?

I'm bemused as to why you care that she doesn't speak to you tbh.

Can you at least stop her popping over-or is her son always there when she does?

You shouldn't have to go out or sit in another room, but can you put up with that knowing that it's not for much longer?

Will you have to see either of the ever again after the split?

Don’t even try to engage with her. I’m not one for killing with kindness. If someone doesn’t have the decency to acknowledge me it would be a cold day in hell before I go out of my way to be kind to them
How much longer are you going to be in this situation for?

You need to stop trying with this wretched woman. Seems as if she is taking delight in being as difficult as she can be. Just acknowledge her presence politely and leave the room when she arrives. And don't visit her. It's just gone beyond any logical sensible type of relationship. I can't see the point of being rude to her. She is simply a waste of time and not worth it.

I agree with others. A polite "How do you do?" when she arrives but other than that simply ignore her. If she speaks to you, respond with as few words as needed. If what she says is rude or antagonistic, say nothing.

She's your STBX-MiL. How your STBX treats her is no longer your business, it's up to her to change that dynamic. And as far as her slagging you off to him, who cares?

How much longer are you going to be stuck there?

How do you kiss your own teeth?

Sorry to be brutal, but if you’re in the middle of an acrimonious break up I don’t really think you can expect your MIL to be matey with you

I think that you just need to keep in mind this is a very short period then she’s out of your life.

I wouldn’t even bother suggesting he moves in with her as she will know full well that’s putting herself out for your benefit so I think the chances of that happening are near enough zero.

I assume from your previous threads that there is a reason why you’re not staying in the family home with the kids eg the house is owned by his family or in his name or something like that.