MIL silent treatment can't take it anymore

[TheScandinavianWoman]

I don’t know how to deal with my MIL, as some of you know I’m leaving him but still living together until I sort things out. I’ve never had a good relationship with her and believe me I’ve tried ( I know some of you are gonna say wait til you’re a mil, seen some posters say that when OP is complaining about mil) but really I’ve tried everything to make her like me, I’ve bent over backwards to please her. She’s the most awkward person to be around, it doesn’t help that she lives so close and is popping in several times a week. She will not acknowledge me some days but will have full on conversations with her son, and if I do try to talk to her she will give me short cold answers. I’m always the one trying to start a conversation with her, she will not speak to me unless I speak to her first. She has a very weird relationship with her son, she pays some of his bills even though there was a time when he was working and could easily pay them himself. There was a time when she was paying them willingly, but one time she told him that she didn’t wanna pay it anymore, he had a big tantrum and she continued to pay. I think in a way he kind of controls her just as he was controlling me. She can’t stand up to him so if he speaks to her or shouts at her, she will just sit there and take it, where as she makes snide comments about me or slags me off to him. It’s like she’s using me as a scapegoat because she can’t stand up to him. Part of me thinks she’s treating him like this and doing all these things for him because she doesn’t want to fall out with him just as she has fallen out with her 3 daughters. They have gone NC with her, and the only person she has really is her son. She has no female friends or anything, I just can’t understand why she’s only like this towards women but will bend over backwards for men. Even my DD feels uncomfortable around her, she treats her different to DS. She treats STBEXH like a baby and will give me an evil look or will kiss her teeth if I say something to him she doesn’t like, one time she gave me the silent treatment for a week because I told him to shut up in an argument. She won’t say jack if he says something to me that’s not nice but as soon as I open my mouth there she is, kissing her teeth and rolling her eyes. He has no respect for me and will start arguments even when there’s other people in the house, she’s always there so she witnesses some of his rants.

Honestly I’ve tried everything to get along with this woman, it’s come to the point now where it affects my health, my anxiety goes through the roof when I know she’s due to visit. And she stays for hours and hours on end, which makes things so difficult . I can’t relax and I get all tense, I’ve started to get sharp shooting pains in my chest and I know it’s because of my anxiety. The sharp chest pains comes and goes whenever I fell stressed.

So should I just ignore her when she’s ignoring me and just get on with working and sorting things out so I can move out, or should I just kill her with kindness and speak to her even when she’s being cold towards me?

I don’t know what to do to make life easier for myself while I’m living here, I have no family here so can’t just up and leave. Ive thought of going out when she comes around but that would be too obvious. And most times I don’t even know she’s coming cuz he doesn’t tell me. Please help

It all came to head today. It started with her criticising me as a mother, telling me I’m a harsh mother for telling my daughter off even though she has no clue why I’m telling her off. I then asked her why doesn’t she speak up when her son is telling the kids off and sending them to their bedroom, she says she won’t interfere as it’s his kids but yet she feels entitled to interfere when I discipline them. Goes on to lecture me how her son is so much better at disciplining the kids and what I do all day is moan at them. Funny enough he doesn’t take care of the kids so of course I’m the one who’s gonna look like Im angry all the time. Then she’s started calling me names and insulting me, telling me I’m nothing to her and she only comes to see her grandchildren and son. I told her to get out of the house and she’s like no I won’t it’s his house. All this time he’s standing there looking at us doesn’t say a word.

I realised there and then the reason why she’s behaving like this is because she knows he won’t do anything and it’s his house. So she can do what she wants. I told her we’re getting divorced, so she won’t see me again, she smirks and says “ great when will that be?”

I’m crying as I’m writing this, I can’t take it anymore. I’m thinking of just fuck it all and go to the council and make a homeless application. I can’t stay in this house, he doesn’t want to move out and he doesn’t want me to go to the council in case I get rehoused somewhere outside London. I just feel so trapped 😪

I can’t stay in this house, he doesn’t want to move out and he doesn’t want me to go to the council in case I get rehoused somewhere outside London. I just feel so trapped 😪

But surely that’s your answer right there isn’t it? He either moves out or you’ll look into getting rehoused outside of London. Give him the choice if you want.

In the meantime just ignore that woman, or hoover lots in the same room she’s in.... every corner.

Is it feasible to move far away from both of them? That would be my preferred plan.

Where are your familly based?

Go there!

She's probably cross with you because whilst married you take his flack - she'll be next when you divorce!

What do you need to sort?

Pack your bags and go

Do you win the house?

Own not win

"He doesn't want me to"

That should be the reason why you DO.

Yes, I'm gonna speak to him tonight and tell him that, either he moves in with her and takes the kids to see her and she's not allowed to come to the house or I go to the council and get rehoused possibly outside London.

It really hurt me the way she was smirking and laughing when I told her we were getting divorced. She was happy.

And I'm just worried that he's gonna shout and the abuse will start and he will wake up the DCs. I have brought it up before with him that I wanna go to the council but his argument is I'm taking the DCs away from him, what other option is he giving me?

Stop trying to please her!!

I agree that the best way to annoy her is to act cheerfully oblivious to her ignoring you.

Sit there reading ''Nice Girl Syndrome'' in front of her. Sit there nodding and then looking over at her. Muttering never again.

Why are you even discussing it with him? Stop asking and start telling him

'I AM going to the council to be rehoused'

Because I've got DCs with him GreenTulips, I'm scared he's gonna stop me? Can he?

You are letting hi ale the decisions

He can not stop you movingboitnof he refuses to do so.

It's not up for discussion - either he goes or you do - there's no middle.

You didn't answer the questions - who owns the home and donyoubhave familly elsewhere?

Would it be so bad to be rehoused outside of London? There are some great areas to live in, how about by the sea?

I have no family in the UK GreenTulips, pretty much alone here.

Aunty it's not that it's bad to live outside London, my ideal home is actually somewhere outside London but the main concern is how will he see the DCs if I'm living outside London?

And we rent, don't own the home. His name on the tenancy of course

it's not that it's bad to live outside London, my ideal home is actually somewhere outside London but the main concern is how will he see the DCs if I'm living outside London?

That's his problem. If he's not willing to tell his Mother to button it, and he is not willing to move out himself, then what exactly does he expect you to do? Continue to live there and deal with this shit? Fuck that - get yourself down the council and get an application in pronto.

Another thing that worries me is, if he refuses to write a letter for me. When you go to the council you need a letter from the people you're living with to say why you can't live there anymore.

Surely the only reason to worry about this is if she was going to continue being your mil. Ignore her speak to your ex as if she is not there with your back to her. Wouldn't worry about taking any high or moral ground.

He's coming, can hear him pulling up outside 😟

how will he see the DCs if I'm living outside London?

That's his problem to solve.

I think the situation might be different if you need housing due to marital breakdown. Perhaps some sort of documentation about your divorce will do?

I wouldn't say anything to him about going to the council until you've been, and can find out what you're entitled to. Have you thought of going to a shelter? You are being abused, you don't have to stay and put up with it.

Just go to the council. Explain that you are a victim of Emotional Abuse and need to get away. I doubt very much if they actually make an abuse victim get a letter from their abuser. They may ask you to contact WA for a referral, but at least you'll know what steps to take.

She just sent a text to him saying " I'm sorry things got out of hand and I hope you sort things out for the sake of the DCs". AIBU to be fucking annoyed that she's apologising to him when I'm the one she had the argument with?!

Anyway I told him I'm going to the council and he was upset but fairly calm, didn't expect him to be this calm . He has agreed things has reached a "breaking point".