MIL silent treatment can't take it anymore

[TheScandinavianWoman]

I don’t know how to deal with my MIL, as some of you know I’m leaving him but still living together until I sort things out. I’ve never had a good relationship with her and believe me I’ve tried ( I know some of you are gonna say wait til you’re a mil, seen some posters say that when OP is complaining about mil) but really I’ve tried everything to make her like me, I’ve bent over backwards to please her. She’s the most awkward person to be around, it doesn’t help that she lives so close and is popping in several times a week. She will not acknowledge me some days but will have full on conversations with her son, and if I do try to talk to her she will give me short cold answers. I’m always the one trying to start a conversation with her, she will not speak to me unless I speak to her first. She has a very weird relationship with her son, she pays some of his bills even though there was a time when he was working and could easily pay them himself. There was a time when she was paying them willingly, but one time she told him that she didn’t wanna pay it anymore, he had a big tantrum and she continued to pay. I think in a way he kind of controls her just as he was controlling me. She can’t stand up to him so if he speaks to her or shouts at her, she will just sit there and take it, where as she makes snide comments about me or slags me off to him. It’s like she’s using me as a scapegoat because she can’t stand up to him. Part of me thinks she’s treating him like this and doing all these things for him because she doesn’t want to fall out with him just as she has fallen out with her 3 daughters. They have gone NC with her, and the only person she has really is her son. She has no female friends or anything, I just can’t understand why she’s only like this towards women but will bend over backwards for men. Even my DD feels uncomfortable around her, she treats her different to DS. She treats STBEXH like a baby and will give me an evil look or will kiss her teeth if I say something to him she doesn’t like, one time she gave me the silent treatment for a week because I told him to shut up in an argument. She won’t say jack if he says something to me that’s not nice but as soon as I open my mouth there she is, kissing her teeth and rolling her eyes. He has no respect for me and will start arguments even when there’s other people in the house, she’s always there so she witnesses some of his rants.

Honestly I’ve tried everything to get along with this woman, it’s come to the point now where it affects my health, my anxiety goes through the roof when I know she’s due to visit. And she stays for hours and hours on end, which makes things so difficult . I can’t relax and I get all tense, I’ve started to get sharp shooting pains in my chest and I know it’s because of my anxiety. The sharp chest pains comes and goes whenever I fell stressed.

So should I just ignore her when she’s ignoring me and just get on with working and sorting things out so I can move out, or should I just kill her with kindness and speak to her even when she’s being cold towards me?

I don’t know what to do to make life easier for myself while I’m living here, I have no family here so can’t just up and leave. Ive thought of going out when she comes around but that would be too obvious. And most times I don’t even know she’s coming cuz he doesn’t tell me. Please help

I also asked him why the fuck he didn't say anything when his mum was shouting at me, his argument? "Because we're getting divorced and there's no need for me to defend you as my wife ".

Wow. What an arse.
The ideal way to treat this beeatch is to look bored, check your watch and ask her if she has finished cos you have an important appointment with Dulux to watch some paint dry. Do not rise. She is getting a kick out of it.
Btw, it is as much your house as his so you have every right to ask her to leave. However, you are so sick of it all, you are giving her a reaction which makes her feel justified in her dislike. Bite that tongue and act indifferent. It will drive her nuts.

Of course she has apologised to him, he’s her son. Stop expecting anything from her. She doesn’t like you. I knew that’s harsh but you are giving her too much power by caring what she thinks of you

I know I'm giving her too much power bimbobaggins, I didn't sleep properly last night, kept replaying everything that happened in my head 😢. I want to tell him to keep his mother away while the council is sorting me out, I don't want her coming here. It's so awkward, I can't wait to get out.

Stop engaging with her. You're getting divorced and don't really need to try.

She's listening to her son's version of how difficult you are...off course she sides with him.

Make yourself busy and leave them to it.

Ive thought of going out when she comes around but that would be too obvious.

It doesnt matter if it's obvious. Her shouting at you is obvious too. When you let people treat you like this and don't stand up to them...they'll never stop.

I'd be tempted to say you understand why her DDs are NC with her...then walk away.

A friend of mine was rehoused by the council even though she was married without her dh having to write a letter or even know. She went to see them and said he was abusive and was scared of him. Your dh is abusive even if its verbal not physical and you sound scared.

We're not in London though where I guess there's more pressure on housing. My friend was put in a priority catagory and got a house within two months.

She just sent a text to him saying " I'm sorry things got out of hand and I hope you sort things out for the sake of the DCs"

Did he tell you that? Perhaps the message was meant for both of you, because she's looking down the road. You're the underdog right now but the power will shift to you once you're in your own place with the children. If she wants to see the children again she really needs to not piss you off too much.

I know it's very difficult when you're stuck in a situation, but there is an end in sight. Once you're re-housed they can both go fuck themselves, and you won't have to allow anyone into your home that you don't want to. So no contact with her, and let him wait outside when he comes to collect the children. Don't bother with all that 'amicable break-up shite, that only occurs with people you can trust.

"Why on earth are you moving to Brighton, you're taking my kids away!"
"We're getting divorced and there's no need for me to take your wishes into account as my husband."

OP, despite the impending upheaval, you are the winner by being soon to be free of these unpleasant people.

Start the detaching process now and ignore her. She doesn’t like you and nothing you say or do will change that, so stop trying. She will be smirking on the other side of her face when you’re no longer going there to project her issues on to or to be the buffer between her and her son.

Him not wanting you to move out of London is leverages because it leaves the ball in his court as wether he’s prepared to gamble but I’d make it very clear that if you are offered a place outside of London you will be grabbing it with both hands.

I know you’re having a hard time at the moment but it is a moment and it will pass.

Practice smiling and nodding and ignoring, you caring what they do is your weakness and one which they will use against you. Stay 💪🏽.