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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won't allow another

67 replies

Motherwell91 · 30/04/2018 21:45

We have two beautiful healthy children. But I feel like I want one more to be complete. My dh is adamant he wants us to start focusing on the next chapter of having older children. No nappies,nightfeeds etc. But I literally feel pained that I might not have another. Aibu or is he. Has anyone else had this situation. I love him and he is a great dad and I'll relationship is fine apart from this one thing we can't agree on.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 30/04/2018 21:46

I’m sorry but you are the one BU. The wishes of the person who doesn’t want another will always trump those of a person who does - it’s not something you can force someone into.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/04/2018 21:48

Neither of you are being unreasonable to want different numbers of children. It is rather unreasonable to think that when two people want different things one of them must be being unreasonable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2018 21:48

It's very sad but YABU. Sorry.

I have one, I wanted two. It's life.

Gigigigigi · 30/04/2018 21:49

Neither is being unreasonable.

You have the right to want more kids and he has the right to not want to. But YABU if you try to pressure him into something he really doesn’t want. You need to discuss this with him and listen to each other, and realise he will have his reasons for not wanting more kids

Singlenotsingle · 30/04/2018 21:52

I don't think either of you is being U but you need him 100% on board if you want to go ahead with this.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/04/2018 21:52

Sadly he isn't unreasonable. Perhaps a longer chat about it would help you with to understand each other's positions more. There's no solution really but maybe he will come round and maybe you will feel better about having 2.

hidinginthenightgarden · 30/04/2018 21:54

Neither. You have a difference of opinion. It would be unreasonable to have another baby knowing one parent didn't really want it though.

PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2018 21:55

Your feelings aren’t u reasonable but you have to find a way to get past it. The person who doesn’t want more children is the one with the casting vote, and he’s not being unreasonable either.

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 30/04/2018 22:18

I would never force him to. I just don't know where to go from here. My youngest is about to turn one and maybe I'm a bit bluesy over it. Is it common to feel this way when your youngest starts hitting milestones.i don't even want to get pregnant now but in the future
I think even if he said maybe I would feel better.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/04/2018 22:19

Maybe would be worse. You’d be forever waiting for him to say yes. At least he’s been honest.

e1y1 · 30/04/2018 22:20

Neither is being u reasonable, you want on, he doesn’t.

I’m sure you know tho, but you cannot, for anything, force someone to have a child they don’t want.

The seemingly only resolution to this is, do you want another child more than being with you husband (as some do); would be so utterly pained as to not have another child?

If that’s the case and it’s not unreasonable to have what you want, but it would need to be with someone else.

grumpy4squash · 30/04/2018 22:22

Just to add, YANBU for wanting a 3rd child. It's very reasonable.
Can you explore how fixed he is on his opinion about only 2?
My DH thought 2 was a good number, but when pushed wasn't completely resistant to 3 (mostly worried about logistics and affording them, he always thought there was enough love for a 3rd child).
Ultimately you have to agree though, or it won't go well

ArcheryAnnie · 30/04/2018 22:22

Neither of you are being unreasonable in wanting different things.

And I agree "maybe" would be worse to deal with, for me anyway - it would breed resentment when it never happened.

WanderingStar1 · 30/04/2018 22:23

Neither of you are BU, but if he's really not keen it could lead to problems later if he gives in. I wanted three but it just didn't happen - however I often feel slightly or even very relieved that I only have two. Partly because DS is autistic and it was hard enough with two when they were younger; but often just for practical things like - you can all share a family hotel room when you go away (or two rooms, when they're older), you can all fit in a normal car with luggage/shopping, you can each take one on rides at theme parks, etc etc. None are that big a deal, of course, but could give him ammunition to feel aggrieved every time one crops up, for years to come.......! Plus it might be that you just love babies, and maybe you'd feel this way about a fourth, and a fifth, if you carried on? I hope you both agree a way forward.

emmyrose2000 · 30/04/2018 22:24

Neither of you is unreasonable. But unfortunately this is one thing where compromise is simply not possible. One of you is going to have to "give in", so to speak.

I'd start by having a real heart to heart with each other and going from there.

MsJudgemental · 30/04/2018 22:27

What MrsTerryPratchett said. You have two children already; if he doesn’t want any more then spend more time thinking about why you do. We were sad to only be able to have the one, but on the plus side it is exciting to be always moving forward on to the next stage (A levels in 2 weeks!) so your husband has a point. Not being facetious, but if you feel the need to nurture could you get a pet or do some volunteering, maybe with children? Or use the increase in spare time to take up a new hobby? Flowers

RedDwarves · 30/04/2018 22:34

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but the biological/innate desire to continue having children doesn't trump the rational choice to stop at some point, and 2 children is a reasonable point to stop.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/04/2018 22:37

I actually would try to park the idea for a year or two (unless you are running out of time). He might change his mind, you might change your mind. The more you push it now the more entrenched both your views will become.

Enjoy the children you have then if things don't shift either way you need to decide whether your marriage or having another child is more important.

I have found that the older my three have become the more opposed I am to even entertain the possibility of more children. It is nice not changing nappies, sleeping, having deeper conversations about Brexit and Trump with your child rather than Topsy and Tim. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed them as babies but as older children they are more interesting.

HairyToity · 30/04/2018 22:38

Yabu.

daffodildelight · 30/04/2018 22:42

The broody feeling never goes for some people, no matter how many children you have or how old you are.
I have 4 and would love more. My 80 year old neighbour says she is still broody and feels jealous when she sees pregnant women. She says she would love another baby too!

beclev24 · 30/04/2018 22:43

neither of you is BU. But things change. My DH was adamant he didn't want a third for years, and I wanted one desperately. Then he changed his mind and now we have a gorgeous 4 month old. I still don't think he would have gone for it without my really really wanting it, but he is thrilled with the new baby and thinks it was the right thing to do.

Good luck OP. I've been there, and it's harder than it should be.

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 30/04/2018 22:46

My two are 5 and nearly 1 do you think I just haven't experienced older children yet and am to used to the baby/small child age ? Don't get me wrong I love them to peices. I'm 26 so still plenty if time. I think if I knew my last one was my last one I would have been different too. If that makes any sense. Thank you for all your lovely comments so far

OP posts:
dotdotdotmustdash · 30/04/2018 22:51

In the grand scheme of things, our world is overcrowded already and to replace yourselves is enough.

I had two and got very broody when little one went to school. Dh said no and he was right. It was fabulous to watch them grow up together and I'm glad we didn't have a third.

Cindie943811A · 30/04/2018 22:51

Every age/stage has its enjoyment and pleasure as you will find as your children grow. It’s also harder to meet the needs of varying ages. You’ve been very fortunate having two healthy DC and could jeopardise your way of life if your 3rd was disabled. Count your blessings and move on if your DH is intransigent. Neither of you is BU but just view the future differently

LoniceraJaponica · 30/04/2018 22:54

The general MN consensus is usually that the one who doesn't want another trumps the one who does, and I agree.

Why do you want another? Why can't you feel happy with the two that you have? Do you feel unfulfilled? Do you work?

I have just one DD - couldn't have any more, and just now we are going through the trauma of A levels and university applications.

I wouldn't wish to go through that again, let alone 3 times - plus 3x GCSEs, 3x friendship issues, 3x bullying, 3x relationship issues etc.

Be happy with what you have and stop wasting time wanting something you can't have.

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