He won't allow another

[Motherwell91]

We have two beautiful healthy children. But I feel like I want one more to be complete. My dh is adamant he wants us to start focusing on the next chapter of having older children. No nappies,nightfeeds etc. But I literally feel pained that I might not have another. Aibu or is he. Has anyone else had this situation. I love him and he is a great dad and I'll relationship is fine apart from this one thing we can't agree on.

It's not unreasonable to want another or unreasonable to not want another. You just have different desires. You have to find a way of accepting his decision - or, if you simply can't, you have to make peace with leaving him in the hope of finding someone else who does want a child.

You have over 20years of contraception ahead of you. Is your dh planning a vasectomy?

My DH was adamant after our second child that he did not want any more children. We talked about it and the root of it was that I worked and he had to help with childcare, but found it hard and tiresome. If he could have been a sole breadwinner, like his Dad, with a SAHM he would have found it perfectly OK.

There was no way this was affordable with mortgage, bills etc. and anyway I didn't want to stay at home for years on end, particularly as my income was as good as his. DH chose to have a vasectomy when our youngest was two and although I do sometimes fondly imagine what our subsequent children might have turned like, it was never going to happen and had to be accepted.

On the other side of the coin, you are very young and many couples have a later child when the older ones are teenagers and more independent.

...and let's face it, what's the percentage of couples together in their twenties who will have split in the next ten years or so?

do you think I just haven't experienced older children yet and am to used to the baby/small child age ?

That's possible, OP. I adore teenage DS beyond measure, and he's so interesting now, but I do occasionally miss the small child and tiny baby stage (and forget what hard work it was and how awful I felt a lot of the time). But that's what friends' babies are for, and you hand them back afterwards, and go home and sleep through!

Also, and this seems like a really mercenary point, but it's an important point: I don't know what your financial circumstances are like, but when they are older, the more you have, the less resources you can give each of them as they get older. I've only got the one, and I feel very reassured that, for example, he will inherit everything of mine (not much, but it's something!) and that he will always have somewhere to live, which may not have been possible if I'd had more children.

Your baby is still so little. My advice would be to both agree to talk about it again in a year or two, with no pressure in between to change your minds.

You may find you enjoy being out of the tiny baby stage and you're looking forward to having older children in school/nursery and some time to yourself, he may find there's someone missing from the family and want another.

Or you might find that you both still completely disagree and you'll need to decide on where to go from there.

I work full time. I'm not to sure why I want another just feel this horrible feeling at the thought of no more.

The first dd I was an emotional mess and was Influenced to believe I was an awful mum. Dd1 is not dh so this was nothing to do with him.

The 2nd dd I was alot better but became very paranoid with germs to an unhealthy level.

I think in a way i feel robbed of what is meant to be such a joyous time and I want to try again.

From the moment I held my second saw the way her dad was I knew this is how it was meant to be in compassion with the first and I just want to do it all again.

But like I said I would never force him.

Also, they need you more, emotionally, when they are older. It is very mentally draining to have several teenagers (and financially)

I don't know what to say except we had this. I desperately wanted a third baby and my DH did not. Having been an unwanted child myself I did not want to give birth to a child whose dad didn't want it so I gave in and DH had a vasectomy. It was a bit pointless as our sexlife died after that as did a part of me. I couldn't have sex without crying and mourning the child we wouldn't conceive and eventually sex petered out all together.

That was over 20 years ago and we are still together and still close in many ways but I still grieve for the child I couldn't have.

I think if I had my time again I would probably make the same choice , the putative child's right to be loved and wanted would still take precedence over my hormonal urges but I cannot deny that my grief and resentment changed our relationship by driving a wedge between us.

I had the same feeling since my youngest was born, I have to say now she is 5 the feeling of desperately wanting another us slowly leaving me.

I think your youngest turning 1 is important here.

I only ever wanted 2 but around the youngest's first birthday I was so sad that I'd never experience the newborn stage again and really did think about having another.
DH would have easy had another but now, 10 years down the line I'm glad we stuck at 2, it was the right decision for our family.

Neither of you are BU by the way

Enjoy the children you so fortunately have and be grateful you have the opportunity to give them a healthy, stable life.

But OP in that case what happens if you convince your DH to have another, and again experience some birth difficulties or PND or some other issues and do you roll the dice again for number four desperately searching for "that magical motherhood t8m3 you feel you missed out on?".

Please just enjoy the the DC you have and the times that are to come.

Many of us miss out on parts of babyhood or childhood for a number of reasons. I did. And I was only ever able to have one child so I understand your pain and yet I have one lovely daughter when I desperately wanted another. I am blessed to have her.

Parenting isn’t about getting it right. It’s about enjoying every minute that you are able to do so. It sounds as if you feel you have missed out on something, which you wish to recapture. The truth is, you may not ever find it even if you have another child. This feeling is not reason enough to parent another and if you presented this as your partner to me as a reason, I’d refuse tbh.

The best thing you can do is reconcile your feelings. It seems as if you are unable to do this alone so I would suggest paying for some therapy. In the long term, this will likely bring you far more happiness and leave you fully able to enjoy your children. From an affordability POV, I think it will be far cheaper to do this both financially and emotionally.

It's normal to be broody, nothing wrong with it at all, but it doesn't mean you have to act on it. Time does heal that longing when you tell yourself that it isn't going to happen.

Saying that, a good friend of mine when through the exact same longing when her 2nd was 1 and her OH was like yours, adamant there would be no third. She really grieved that first baby until her 2nd started school and suddenly, she quite like her new found freedom... then her OH announced that he would love a last one after all. She said no until a year later and his persistence made her broodiness come back. Number 3 arrived and they are so happy but after that, both agreed it was definitely the end and he had the snip.

Op that sunshine a smiles nappy advert image of babies you're chasing is a made up marketing too. It's not like that for the vast majority of people. You're chasing a fantasy and your Dh is looking at the reality. It's not unreasonable of him to not want to do that again or (and I'm prepared to be flamed) to want to have to cope with how having babies affects your mental health. There's so much more for you both to enjoy as your children get older. It's not over when they stop being babies, it's only just beginning.

My sister was like this when their youngest was 3. She desperately wanted one more her dh not. She convinced him and she got pregnant with twins. Now they have 4, you can imagine my nil's face on finding out that he was going to have 4 dc when really 2 is all he wanted.

bil's face

Everything's so much easier with two. Quit while you're ahead and know that this longing will go away. We don't need more humans on the planet either, we need fewer.

I have two but would have another tomorrow but DH is happy as we are and doesn’t want to change that. In the beginning I found it very hard to get my head around, particularly due to my age and feeling as though the clock was ticking.

In the end we decided to wait 12 months and see how we felt then. It was a weight lifted as I felt we had some space and didn’t need to make a decision right there and then. 12 months came and, although I would still have another if I could, we both agreed that two was lovely for us. It was easier to deal with at that point and I don’t feel sad about it now.

'The general MN consensus is usually that the one who doesn't want another trumps the one who does, and I agree.'

^^This.

I don't think you should try and rationalise yourself out of wanting another, as some posters are suggesting you do - your longing is what it is, and not without legitimacy. But this is one of those situations where a thought-through and firmly expressed no deserves absolute respect. Imagine what would be said about your dh if you were the one who didn't want another and he was trying to pressure you (I am not saying you're trying to pressure him).

I have three. I wanted three. She was a long time coming because of recurrent miscarriage. When I got pregnant with her I had just been through a long stage of grieving and was actually beginning to feel that things were great as we were. I then spent the pregnancy convinced we had made a terrible mistake and actually seriously considered termination at one point; a large part of this was obviously the inexpressible fear that we would lose her too, but it was also having to adjust back after I had begun to move on. Anyway, she's here, she's wonderful, we all adore her and she has enriched all our lives, but at the same time I can see that we would be just as happy as a family if she hadn't come, and certainly that some things would have been practically and financially easier. We'd be at a completely different stage of life now (there's quite a big gap between her and my older two). I would never, ever want to be without her now, but if she hadn't come, that life would also have had its blessings. And I think you'll see this as the fiercest grief fades, which it will.

('She' being my third baby)

OP do you think maybe you are grieving that "perfect newborn haze" that you didnt necessarily experience with your previous two babies? Rather than a third child and all it entails?

Thank You for all your responses. I think I partly don't want to feel 'done' because of my age and I come from a big family in one of 7. But maybe I am looking for that baby haze. I took you guys advice and we talked last night and agreed to wait 12 months and regroup. My partner is thinking of the practicalities. The fact that once you move up from the traditional two parents two kids everything becomes more expensive. I do see his points and hopefully my feelings will fade. So have I been mislead by Facebook friends that everyone else isn't in total bliss when they have a baby? I always felt maybe I was doing it wrong as I was so tiered emotional etc?