To not want to involve dad's girlfriend in birth of my first child?

[Tillyfloss1]

During my parents marriage my dad had an affair that lasted some years. It caused my mum huge amounts of distress and ultimately after suffering a nervous breakdown she died by suicide. My mum had her demons but she was a truly amazing and selfless mother and her death was extremely traumatic. My siblings and I were in our early 20s. My mum told us and I was made aware by other family members that this woman tormented my mum at her lowest ebb. My dad never actually left my mum and refers to himself as a widow and wishes to be buried with our mum when the time comes (complicated I know). Our family has over some years recovered and we have a decent relationship with our dad of which I am proud and hold dear as despite what happened, he's our dad and we love him. Some 15 years after my mum's death (and with 3 significant relationships in between with nice women) my dad has now started seeing this woman again and she has been thrust into our lives without warning. I find this very difficult to deal with and try and see my dad separately to avoid distress but this is becoming increasingly difficult as she comes to all family occasions and introduces herself as my dad's "partner". She is very pushy and not at all likeable. For example, she reminisces about weekends away that her and my dad have been on years ago when he was married to my mum and we were picking up the pieces and seems to have no remorse or regret about the circumstances. I am expecting my first child and whilst I, for the sake of my relationship with my dad, am willing to be civil to her, I cannot stomach the thought of her seeing or having anything to do with my baby. I feel like this would be a betrayal of my lovely mum who I miss greatly whom I would have dearly loved to have been a grandmother. I want my dad to be happy but I cannot let this go. AIBU?

Apologies, having read back my reply it seemed much more aggressive than I meant it. I am upset for you OP, you and your siblings should never have been put in this situation. I am horrified that you are having to go through this!

Let them fuck off! YANBU

Get yourself over to the Stately Homes threads.

Many of us find that once we have DC of our own, it brings to the surface a whole mess of stuff we thought was dead and buried.

How to your DSiblings feel about all this?

Yanbu she sounds thoroughly unpleasant I would not give her the time of day

Tell your dad you want to maintain a relationship with him and want him part of your child’s life. But you cannot accept this woman, it’s a very distressing issue for you and you wish to see him without her being around. I wouldn’t even hide from her your true feelings. Why should you?

You should stand your ground 100%. What a nasty woman. She doesn’t deserve to be involved with your babies life, i’d be inclined to keep her at arms length and even explain why if needed

I'm so sorry about what happened with your mum, it must have been horrifying. I understand why you want to try and preserve your relationship with your father. It's devastating to lose one parent but the loss of two is hard to bear, especially in the time of life you are in, with a baby on the way - extended family become really important.

However, your father is mentally and emotionally abusive. He will have had a significant impact on your mother's emotional stability and his actions will have directly contributed to her breakdown and suicide. The girlfriend, whilst clearly a Grade A bitch, is secondary to all this.

He won't side with you on this. He won't give her up, one little bit. He didn't for your mother and he won't for his children. He is a deeply selfish and unfeeling man. You know this is true by the very fact he has invited her back into all your lives (not just his... which incidentally would be bad enough).

You have some hard decisions to make. There isn't a right or wrong answer but you need to ask yourself what is more important to you? Having your father in your life or not having this woman in yours and your child's life.

As others have said, you need to prepare yourself for the likelyhood of your father siding with the girlfriend if you try and assert any boundaries (which you are 100% entitled to do and I would not have that nasty piece of work within 1,000 miles of my baby if I were you).

What will you do if he refuses to keep her away? Would you be prepared to stand up to him and cut him off if he refuses to respect your boundaries? If not, how will you manage the emotional fallout of having her around you and the baby? Are you supported by DP and siblings? Could they be relied on to step in and advocate for your well being if you are not emotionally up to it (quite likely, post childbirth)?

You need to very firmly know where your line in the sand is, regarding contact with this woman and then have a plan of action that takes in all possible consequences.

Hard. I feel for you OP - good luck with the baby.

YANBU x a million. Your mum, your baby, your choice.

You poor poor lamb. I felt very choked up reading your post.

Your dad is no angel, but this woman is a prize c-nt.

I am so sorry for you. I am stuck for words.

I don't know what to say ... You are in my thoughts my lovely......

And God bless your mother.

And obviously YANBU!!!

She sounds truly heartless. Not only would she never see my child...but I would leave any family event she was at.

I don't think I'd be able to forgive my dad either tbh...or accept this woman.

So sad, desperately feel for you OP. No YANBU, of course not. I agree with others. I’d say to your DF that you want him to be part of yours and your baby’s life. But you do not want to see his GF, nor her to see your D.C. You cannot ever forget what happened, and he needs to respect that. There will be no negotiation, no compromise. He has to give you his word. In the circumstances it’s not really much to ask.

Of course YANBU

My heart goes out to you.

My DH has been through almost exactly this (minus the suicide - sort of). His dad had an affair and left his mum then marrying OW. His mum developed MH problems which she never recovered from. She did die as a result of these problems but it wasn't quite suicide. It's been hard and tbh DH never really managed to rebuild a relationship with his Dad. He tried for the children but it was just too hard. When he died, DH started building a relationship with OW. It just sort of evolved and now she has a relationship with our children too. But she's a lovely lady and very kind hearted which we can see (after the loss). So different ending but you never know.

He's found the years incredibly hard and often been very angry, but has now made peace. Our children don't have a grandparent name for her because like you DH felt it detracted from his mum and wasn't fair.

Your situation is different because she sounds....like a total bitch and that there is no hope. I wouldn't want her involved either. It's entirely your choice but it's how you manage that situation. I think you might have to decide how much you want your dad involved. Whatever happens though, you don't need to give her a name for your children (although Camilla might suit ;-)). Your dad must understand the situation. Ultimately you have to do what makes you least sad.

As you want a relationship with your father (though, tbh, I can't see why), I think you need to spell it out to him that she will not be welcome to be involved with your child, nor will you permit her to refer to herself as 'grandma' or any derivative of that.

He needs to know and accept how you feel about this.

Thank you for all your responses. They have really given me the clarity on the situation. My siblings do feel the same as me but we have all struggled to articulate it. I think that truthfully we have never really addressed what happened but just tried to remain close (which we have). We never want to be the ones to ruin an occasion or show ourselves up. My dad and I have come to blows about it many times privately but it never comes to a resolution, just an argument that then blows over. I will take some time to gather my thoughts and tell her directly that she will not be a part of my life or my child's. I know my husband will be relieved that I am taking steps to let this go. If my dad no longer wishes to be a part of my life as a result then I will be sad but I will deal with it. If I can cope without my mum I can cope without him and I am lucky to have my brother and sister. Thank you again you are all very kind and this was really the push I needed to do something about this negativity.

Do your siblings also want distance from the OW?
Would it be possible for you all to sit down with your father and tell him how you feel and what boundaries you all want in place re the OW?

A group action & decision would be easier for you all and seeing you all in agreement might make your father realise how far reaching his actions are. It also means you have support in the initial meeting and afterwards with the (inevitable) fall out. Just remember to keep communicating between you all and not to let your father/OW "divide &a conquer" with lies/partial truths.

I've been here, but my mum is still here. I am truly truly sorry for your loss..
My dad was a serial cheat and eventually got the woman who was crazy and smashed our window pregnant. That's when my mum finally left. But she didn't cope very well which affected us deeply. Fortunately she is great now.
As for my dad (I'm not saying this is what you should do) I cut all ties and couldn't even look at him the same. He's no longer my father, but a man who demoralizes women and shows no remorse. I won't ever let a person like that around my children. NEVER! I don't want my sons thinking it's okay and my daughter thinking it's normal. Because it isn't.

I would tell your dad that you are happy for him to be involved, in fact you would love that, but that this woman can't be due to the circumstances you've explained. If he decides to chose her over you at least you know where you stand

Yes they would but it's very difficult for us to discuss this with our dad. In fact I know he wouldn't discuss it. He's a very strong, wilful and selfish character and genuinely think he believes that as so much time has passed we should simply deal with it as adults with our own families. My brother lives abroad now so deals with it as and when he visits. Their relationship has been particularly difficult over the years and now it is on a relatively even keel I think he just wants to be happy in his new life and I don't blame him. My sister feels the same as me but sees much more of this woman as she lives close to my dad and is always polite for his sake and because she cannot take any more upset. She has gallantly made more of an effort to try and forge some kind of civil relationship so that her two babies have a relationship with their grandad. In all honesty I don't know how she does it. As I said I too tried to find a way forward but I can't deal with her behaviour and since I became pregnant I have found it impossible to contemplate her being in my life. I fully take on board that there is a distinct element of divide and rule with my dad at times but I'm very confident in my relationship with my siblings and I respect how they choose to deal with matters. I personally just cannot tolerate the situation any longer.

I think what StripeyDeckchair suggests is a good idea, Tillyfloss, if your dad is a 'divide and rule' type, he will not find it so easy to do when there's a cohort of united children in front of him who are telling him that they will not tolerate this. They won't have it and they outnumber him and will always stand together... he has a choice - either support them in what they need - or stand away from them and lose them.

I don't think you should have to face this alone, I really don't. I'd find it very hard indeed and I think any of your siblings would too. If you are together on this then tell him together. You can support each other throughout and afterwards.