To not want to involve dad's girlfriend in birth of my first child?

[Tillyfloss1]

During my parents marriage my dad had an affair that lasted some years. It caused my mum huge amounts of distress and ultimately after suffering a nervous breakdown she died by suicide. My mum had her demons but she was a truly amazing and selfless mother and her death was extremely traumatic. My siblings and I were in our early 20s. My mum told us and I was made aware by other family members that this woman tormented my mum at her lowest ebb. My dad never actually left my mum and refers to himself as a widow and wishes to be buried with our mum when the time comes (complicated I know). Our family has over some years recovered and we have a decent relationship with our dad of which I am proud and hold dear as despite what happened, he's our dad and we love him. Some 15 years after my mum's death (and with 3 significant relationships in between with nice women) my dad has now started seeing this woman again and she has been thrust into our lives without warning. I find this very difficult to deal with and try and see my dad separately to avoid distress but this is becoming increasingly difficult as she comes to all family occasions and introduces herself as my dad's "partner". She is very pushy and not at all likeable. For example, she reminisces about weekends away that her and my dad have been on years ago when he was married to my mum and we were picking up the pieces and seems to have no remorse or regret about the circumstances. I am expecting my first child and whilst I, for the sake of my relationship with my dad, am willing to be civil to her, I cannot stomach the thought of her seeing or having anything to do with my baby. I feel like this would be a betrayal of my lovely mum who I miss greatly whom I would have dearly loved to have been a grandmother. I want my dad to be happy but I cannot let this go. AIBU?

She sounds awful, but you now your dad still did those bad things (affair, cosy weekends away etc) if the woman is around or not. He is as nasty as her. I know you have displaced your anger at him onto her (the evil temptress) but your dad is a total shit to have done that to your mum... you know that deep down.

I wouldn't go anywhere near her, let alone allow her around my dc. Then again I would have told that cunt of a dad to fuck off years ago as well.

I wouldn’t want to lose my dad over it , so would tolerate her at a distance. Cutting off your dad might drive him into her arms permanently , whereas otherwise the relationship might fade out again.
But when she reminisces I would say “ not appropriate to talk about that. He’s my dad and was married to my mum at that time “ EVERY single time she does it.

It takes two to tango as they say but have either of them expressed any remorse for what they both did, the distress they caused - to earn your forgiveness? Have they ever apologised for the effects on you and your siblings?

It sounds like she’s unpleasant enough to be dredging up inappropriate and callous ‘memories’ made whilst your parents were together. I’d be blunt with your dad, explain as you have above why you don’t want her near you or your children and if he has any respect for you or your dear mum he’ll accommodate you. They were in the wrong and there are long lasting consequences to what they did whether they like it or not. Unless the woman is willing to apologise, and be respectful to you when she is ‘reminiscing’ (and even if she is you are still not obliged to accept it!) then I’d be telling him you don’t want her near you or your baby end of - and if he puts her above you then that speaks volumes. She sounds undeserving of civility never mind contact!

You sound like you’ve been put through the mill OP - there are times when it’s OK to put your health and mental well-being before all others - this is one of them. Do what makes you feel most comfortable here and look after your wee family. Congratulations on your pregnancy too this should be a happy time not one fraught with tension worrying!

WTF is the matter with your spineless selfish father?

You're not being unreasonable at all. I think you've done amazingly to have accepted your father back into your life and rebuilt your relationship with him, but I think you are going to have to tell him gently that you don't want this woman involved in your child's life. I would feel exactly the same and I hope he understands. Ultimately, the betrayal of your mam was by him, but for this woman to rub her nose in it at the time and then to not seem to care about rubbing salt in the wounds now is just too much.

Can you accept it if he sides with the gf, though? That might happen. Can you deal with that? I sincerely hope he understands your position and respects your wishes, though, OP. Best wishes.

You sound incredibly courageous and dignified OP and you've shown great compassion. Put yourself first now.

I wouldn’t have that woman anywhere near my DC but be prepared to lose your dad over it (at least until the relationship fizzles out again).

Time for a hard talk with your father. Tell him how hurt you are that he has decided to let that woman back into your lives after what she did. Also, he needs to own his part too. If he won’t accept that he cannot bring her into any family relationship then HE needs to seriously think about who he wants in his life.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I’m so sorry about your Mum. X

What missbonita says. There’s no way on earth I’d have a relationship with this woman never made mind let her anywhere near my child.
Your dad should understand your feelings on this and should appreciate you are still prepared to have him in your life, many wouldn’t

I think you are being more than reasonable
I would punch her
how dare she be so disrespectful
your father is not without blame too

Op you have every single right to not want anything to do with her.
And if your father bullies you into anything then i would apply the same to him.
Your loyalty is to your mum , not this scummy woman who is nothing to you or your family.

YADNBU. She is nothing to you, and you do not have to have anything to do with her. I echo all the pp with regard to your relationship with your Dad.
So sorry to hear about your mum.

Sorry for the loss of your mum
YADNBU and your df is no better.

I also would have smacked that bitch I. The mouth for going on like that. I would not let her anywhere near me or my family.

I would not be able to be in the same room as her. Sad to say but your Dad's choice to be with her will overwrite his chance to be closely involved with his grandchild. I feel sorry for him but that was the choice he made. No matter what happened in his relationship with your Mum, she should be more sensitive around you and she is not.

I agree with all the other posters. This woman has the sensitivity of a housebrick. If I were in her position, I'd be very much in the background and not even trying to push myself into a family that I'd contributed to causing so much hurt to.

As she is doing that then I would be speaking to my dad and saying, "Actually, I'm not ok with this. I forgave you and I love you because you're my dad. This woman is hurtful and meant to be so. Please keep her at distance from me and my family".

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, Tillyfloss, really sorry.

I would seriously be considering not seeing him.

His affair caused your mum to have a breakdown & now he's back with someone who not only cheated with him but tormented your mum even past that!

How utterly vile. No, YADNBU!

Your dad needs to listen to your feelings on this. If he can't stand by you and understand why you feel the way you do then as hard as it is I don't think I'd want him around my child either. I couldn't have someone like her around trying to play Grandma in place of my DM.

If you end up seeing her and she brings up the past, I'd shut it down with a firm 'we are not interested in hearing about your affair' (or similar). Every single time.

Similar situation here OP, in my case though my father tried to foist his GF onto us immediately after my mother died. He couldn't understand why we weren't welcoming her with open arms, after all she made him so happy and it was his chance to enjoy life etc now that my mother was dead and buried and he didn't have to be in a toxic (to him) marriage any more.

When I didn't show the 'respect' to this woman that my father felt she deserved she showed her true colours and basically told me to fuck off, my father was sat beside her along saying nothing.

I told him I wanted nothing to do with the poisonous old bitch and so he told me he wanted nothing to do with me ever again. And he hasn't for 3 years. He tell everyone he can I'm the one at fault tho and and that I was childish and couldn't accept he'd moved on.

No. I couldn't accept it weeks after my mother died. OP be aware that if your father is a weak, spineless specimen like mine is he'll put her feelings before yours and it may damage your relationship.

I'd be absolutely disgusted with him, if he was my dad.

Seeing the woman who was part responsible along with him, in the suicide of your mother, is like a huge slap in the face to your mother.

OP

Your Dad is a cunt too. He did this to your mother, as well as this OW. He is allowing her to rub your face in it. Tell them both to fuck right off.

I'm not sure that I could ever forgive my father this tbh.

What about him is so special that compensates for driving your mum to suicide? - granted she may have had her own demons too.

Personally I'd steer clear of both of them as long as they're together. If they split and you want to keep in touch with him that's your choice.

Realistically if she carries on going to family functions and remisicing about times with your dad when your mum was alive - someone in the family will snap and there will be a showdown. It might be wise to steer clear of the whole thing.

what the actual fuck does your dad think he's doing. this is beyond crazy

There are always 2 sides to every story, but christ this makes my skin crawl .
step away from it all, it's your dads fault if he loses you all because of this

My God. You're an actual saint for even being civil to her. I couldn't be. I agree it's a betrayal of your mum.

I'd speak to my dad honestly, though it would totally eat me up that he was with her again, and I'm not sure I could maintain a relationship with him while I was still with her anyway.