To not want to involve dad's girlfriend in birth of my first child?

[Tillyfloss1]

During my parents marriage my dad had an affair that lasted some years. It caused my mum huge amounts of distress and ultimately after suffering a nervous breakdown she died by suicide. My mum had her demons but she was a truly amazing and selfless mother and her death was extremely traumatic. My siblings and I were in our early 20s. My mum told us and I was made aware by other family members that this woman tormented my mum at her lowest ebb. My dad never actually left my mum and refers to himself as a widow and wishes to be buried with our mum when the time comes (complicated I know). Our family has over some years recovered and we have a decent relationship with our dad of which I am proud and hold dear as despite what happened, he's our dad and we love him. Some 15 years after my mum's death (and with 3 significant relationships in between with nice women) my dad has now started seeing this woman again and she has been thrust into our lives without warning. I find this very difficult to deal with and try and see my dad separately to avoid distress but this is becoming increasingly difficult as she comes to all family occasions and introduces herself as my dad's "partner". She is very pushy and not at all likeable. For example, she reminisces about weekends away that her and my dad have been on years ago when he was married to my mum and we were picking up the pieces and seems to have no remorse or regret about the circumstances. I am expecting my first child and whilst I, for the sake of my relationship with my dad, am willing to be civil to her, I cannot stomach the thought of her seeing or having anything to do with my baby. I feel like this would be a betrayal of my lovely mum who I miss greatly whom I would have dearly loved to have been a grandmother. I want my dad to be happy but I cannot let this go. AIBU?

I, for the sake of my relationship with my dad, am willing to be civil to her
Well, you are a better woman than I OP. YANBU.

I think you are fully entitled to feel and act the way you did. The fact you even "tolerate" her and are pleasant enough to hear these weekend away stories is going above and beyond!! I wouldnt let her near my child. xxx

It sounds like you've all bent over backwards to stay in contact with your dad Tilly, and keep a reasonable family dynamic going. You don't say whether you and your siblings have ever confronted him with his behaviour and how it has affected you all. I know 'confrontation' tends to be frowned upon and is deeply comfortable - I try to avoid it myself - but sometimes it's the only honest thing to do.

It sounds like your dad is coasting a bit on the fact that you all accept him, and is doing nothing to rein in his girlfriend's completely unacceptable behaviour. She sounds a bit psycho tbh, pushing your buttons almost out of curiosity to see how far she can go. You are not obliged to be civil to such a person.

You sound like an emotionally intelligent person and I'm sure you'll find a way to explain to your Dad - if he really needs to have it explained - that you just can't have this person around you or your baby. Say it now, before they start asking when they can babysit their gorgeous grandchild.

Don't feel guilty about not being 'kind enough' towards your dad. You've already gone way beyond what most people would do, in the circumstances. When I became a mother, my priorities changed and I saw things more clearly, some might say harshly, in relation to how people treated me. I'm sure you'll find that strength too.

Some people like to browbeat everyone with their "alternative facts" in the hope that, over time, they will all forget the reality. I suspect your father's girlfriend is exactly such a person. Your mother and their cruelty towards her is being written out of the story of their beautiful romance.

Now that is bad enough, but when your baby arrives this is likely to ramp up. All the ways in which you will want to remember your mother, and will be reminded of her, will have to be counteracted by this woman. This is revolting behaviour, and aggravation you just don't need.

She is plainly capable of real cruelty, and no child needs such a person in their life.

namechanger No loving father would push a woman with her previous actions on his children (or grandchildren). They can and do. My dad used to reminisce about things db and I had supposedly done with him and the OW. I would just look at him and point out that it had actually been with Mum, and that nothing would airbrush her out of the picture however hard he tried.

I didn't like his OW when I was growing up (she was a family friend), and I have had nothing to do with her since dad died in 2001, not do I propose to no. She showed her complete lack of class by fronting up to the funeral of my laye paternal grandmother, with a carbon copy of my Dad in tow and expected to play happy families. She got short shrift from dh, my Mum and I.

Confrontation is deeply uncomfortable, I meant to say

YANBU.

I can see why you don't want to lose all contact with your Dad.

I would sit down with both of them and tell them that they need to understand that this is a sensitive matter for you and your siblings, and that when they reminisce about times they were together before, all you can think of is how badly that affected your Mum.

I would tell them that they have their lives and are entitled to 'move on' any way they like, but if they want to make it easy for you to have a joined up family they need to show some sensitivity and respect for your feelings.

OP I meant to add, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. My dad tried to insist that his new wife was called Grandma X. She wasn't - the poor kid already had two very formidable Grandmothers who were set to make mincemeat out of any claims on their grandson. The OW was just referred to by name, or as 'the tart' when i was channelling Nellie Bosworth (for those that remember Bread).

What an absolute horror of a woman. I'd maybe set some ground rules in place, eg dad is welcome to come visit you alone, you understand she may be at big gatherings, etc.

She sounds awful and is still trying to stir up trouble even now. You need to be prepared though that your dad may choose this woman again over his family, sadly there isn't much you can do about the choices he makes, all you can do is make choices that shield you from her.

No my darling, you do NOT have to be anywhere near this woman.

It is between you and your father if you choose to mend your relationship after his terrible betrayal of your family, and nobody has the right to tell you that you should not have come to terms with his actions, if that is what you felt was right.

However, NO, NO, NO, you do not need to have this woman in either your life or your child's. I would find it hard to forgive my DF for introducing her back into your lives, but that is between you and him.

Urrrgh I am so angry for you

I can't help wondering, OP, if the situation with your parents' marriage was quite as your mother portrayed it. You say she 'had her demons' - it may have been the case that your father had an affair because the relationship between him and your mother was toxic or at least unhealthy. It's not unheard of for the dumped partner in a bad marriage to play the martyr and refuse to accept any blame for the end of the relationship when there genuinely was wrong on both sides.

I think it would be OK to say you would rather just see your dad in the early days of motherhood, but it's probably not a great idea to try to push him into choosing between his partner and his children.

God what a brazen bitch.

Unanimous I think op you are quite right to not want her near you. If you see her at family dos refer to her as dads slag! Well obviously don’t but honestly the cheek of the woman.

Tell your dad straight it’s not on bringing her to family dos and tell him you and your siblings will be calling her out if she has any more reminiscences.

Time for your dad go take some flack for his choices now.

she sounds manipulative and sadistic, I wouldnt trust her as far as I could throw her

My mum told us and I was made aware by other family members that this woman tormented my mum at her lowest ebb

OP you are a very decent woman for even managing to sit in the same room as this dreadful, spiteful woman. I am not an aggressive person at all but I think even I may have snapped and smacked her in the mouth given the provocation. Which isn’t helpful, so I salute you for not doing so!

I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting her anywhere near your child, and she has no right to force herself into the role of grannie or even see your child.

Toxic woman. Your father has no right to expect this. Access to your dc is a privilege not a right. I am incredibly angry on your behalf.

She's a disgusting person.

If keeping your child away from her means keeping your child away from your dad, then so be it. I would never allow her anywhere near me or my child.

You're a better person that I am OP

I would be wondering why she's crawled out of the woodwork now...is she after his money?

The woman is disgusting but so is your father for thinking it's acceptable for him to see her again, let alone reintroduce her to the family.

Jesus OP - how can you have a relationship with your total loser of a father?
My own father left my mum for a woman 3 years older than my eldest sister, and my mum had a nervous breakdown as a result. She attempted suicide too. He left us to pick up the pieces. If he were to say he wanted to be buried with my mum - well, I'd be moving heaven and earth to make sure that didn't happen! Why in hell does he think he can lie next to her, after what he did? Torment her even in the grave?

And the OW - I'd never be in the same room as her. (I haven't met dfs OW. Not him, actually, for 20+ years) I blame him entirely, not her, but I would never allow either of them to see my children. Their loss.

YANBU in the slightest.

Personally, I would make it clear to my dad that I was shocked and outraged that he had brought his person back into your life, however indirectly, and that you would have nothing to do with her. You cannot forgive or forget what she did, and she would never be welcome in your vicinity.

You owe her nothing. What she did to your DM is unforgivable. I wouldn't have her anywhere near and I'd also be having words with DF about his behaviour in the past and with hooking up with her again. What's he thinking? Just tell her she's not welcome and that she knows exactly why. The absolute arrogance of her is staggering.

Your dad is totally entitled to have a relationship with whoever he likes.

As entirely are you.

You tell your Dad you love him and want him in your DCs life but that will never extend to her. The fact you even have to verbalise this is appalling. I'm so very sorry about your Mum .

No you are not being unreasonable one little bit.

I would be asking myself whether I want anything to do with either your Father or the witch he has shacked up with. Both of them are responsible for the death of your Mother! Your Father allowed his mistress to torment your Mother whilst continuing to bed her!

They are both totally toxic, in fact, they are evil! There is absolutely NO WAY that I would allow my innocent baby to be in the arms of that gloating witch!

I would have to give my Father an ultimatum, he chooses me or the witch! If he chooses the witch then he has nothing to do with me or my baby! Or he has an opportunity to make up to you the damage that he did to you, your siblings and your poor Mum!

Can I recommend reading the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? I have just finished reading it and I think that it might help you with your relationship with your Dad!

(Slightly related- I really hope William and Kate don't let their babies anywhere near Camilla. Poor Diana must turn in her grave!)

I wouldn’t even speak to her - so I think it’s perfectly ok to exclude her from your life quite frankly. I would ignore her if she was in a room with me - I would not even respond to her if she spoke to me. I feel angry for you.