To get rid of the cat

[Mrsglitterfairy]

We got a cat 4 years ago, I mithered DH for ages and he finally gave in and got me one. She was about 1 when we got her and came from a house where the little girl (prob about 7yr) didn’t treat her great. When we went to visit the cat I saw the girl on a few times pull her tail, trap her in the corner etc.
Well fast forward 4 years and I’m really regretting getting her. She isn’t affectionate, well she might be for 5 mins but then turns and scratches and bites, my hands and arms are covered in marks from her.
The DCs don’t get any enjoyment from her as don’t trust her. She scratches all the furniture, have bought her posts etc but she isn’t interested.
She constantly brings birds, mice and frogs in the house (either dead or alive) and always seems to be getting fleas. The latter is more my fault as I’m prob not as on the ball at keeping her treated but it seems that if I’m a week or 2 late with her treatment she gets them straight away.
I feel awful thinking of getting rid of her but I’m so fed up with it all...

Some cats aren't up for cuddling. However, slow blinking to say "I love you" - they are up for that if happy and settled.
Mine won't be picked up but will slow blink her chosen pals till all the time.
That's one of the ways cats communicate. Also, they never meow at each other to communicate, only to humans . Your child is getting older, get them to find out more about how cats communicate. Also, have them sit and tell the cat's story to the cat - where it was born/ what the weather was like/when you first met/ what the cat's favourite things are. Make stuff up. Write it down if it helps. Just sitting and chilling. The sound of the child's voice will become associated with good stuff.

DH didn’t want the cat in the first place, it was me that wanted one and he eventually gave in. He said from the start that she would maninly be my responsibility. He is the only one that she doesn’t scratch or bite though, I think this is because he doesn’t try too hard with her. If she goes to sit with him he will just let her sit there rather than trying to be cuddly with her

This is typical cat behaviour, they are buggers. My cat only tolerates a certain amount of stroking before going into attack mode, scratches the wallpaper, ignores us unless he wants something. Bloody love the furry fiend.

YABVU by regarding the cat as the problem when it is the humans that are the problem. Rehoming the cat may be the best option for the cat if the humans are not willing to improve.

I have had several cats in my life, each was different from the others. I have tips:

Keeping the cat in overnight reduces their chance to hunt. You will need a litter tray.

Mark the calender or put an appointment in your phone's calender to remember to treat for fleas and worms. A cat that goes outside must be dewormed as well as defleaed.

Furniture clawing is often a distress symptom because the cat is feeling threatened in her own home. Try to to determine why she feels threatened.

Accept that cats have limits just like humans and may not be "cuddly".

Your child must be taught to respect the cat and not tail-pull or trap the cat in the corner. Mistreatment by your child will cause a lot of the distress symptoms that your cat is showing.

aww poor cat, sounds like he's had a pretty traumatic start to life and probably would have been better to home him in a house without children

One of my cats was like this, we rescued her as a stray and I think she had obviously had terrible treatment from humans at some point, she was dumped in our village with another young cat and they both had damaged tails, one was broken and they had obvious trust issues. I've also taken in four ferals that have taken time and patience to tame.

The first thing as everyone has said is to treat the flea problem, then you know she doesn't have irritated skin. I always use advantage or frontline plus, which has worked for me where frontline hasn't.

Toys and playing with her are a good idea, and will help to get rid of any unspent energy that could be causing stress. I find the Flying Frenzy wands and Cats Meow undercover toys are excellent.

She needs to associate you with positive experiences, so offering a dreamie when she approaches you and make stroking just one scratch or head rub, no more.

There is a school of thought that says that cats can experience electric shock like sensations when they are stroked, which can account for the sudden attacks, and also they can get over stimulated making them go into attack mode. I'd really recommend watching some of Jackson Galaxy's videos on Youtube; they have some excellent tips on dealing with aggressive stressed cats.

She also needs her own safe places that she can retreat to and not be disturbed. If she's scratching furniture, and to be honest most cats will, then it can be deterred with using double sided sticky tape.

The main thing is to let her come to you and don't overdo the fussing, I think that they can settle more with age too, the cat we took in that was like this turned a corner when she was about six, we'd had her since she was about a year old, so it took five years of building trust, but she will come and be happily stroked, we know when to stop as she will gently bite, but it isn't the full on grab and kill thing that she used to do. I also had an old grumpy cat that was always like this, it was just how he was, but he also mellowed with age, we still all loved him and missed him when he died.

I'd give her time with trying to accomodate her needs more for now, but if you still feel you can't live with her in time then please use a reputable shelter to rehome.

I don't think living as a farm cat would be fair for her though when she has always been domsticated.

Threads like this really depress me. I can't believe how little you've bothered trying in 4 years. As others have said, a 5 minute google would have given you suggestions of things to try such as feliway. Not to mention that you can't even be bothered to stay on top of her flea treatment schedule.
4 years. sigh

I don't think you sound uncaring, OP. You want to help. I just think you're going about it the wrong way. Your cat needs space. She is traumatised by her previous owners and the more you try to force playing with her/stroking her/cuddling her, the more she will resist because she needs to come to you. She was forced to be part of the activity in her last home, she doesn't want that. She needs to make that decision herself, that's why she's scratching you. She's scared.

I'm going against the grain here and saying don't put a collar on her if she goes out. She can still get caught and choke in a safety collar.

I think once you have a pet you shouldn't really just get rid of them because they are not what you imagined they would be.

Just accept that she isn't a cat that likes much affection. Stop her when she scratches furniture, persevere with encouraging her with scratch posts and apply flea treatment on time.

Our cat is very old now but when we got him and for many years after he didn't like much fuss, never chose to sit with us and used to scratch us as we walked by him sometimes. We just gave him his space. He had a horrible 'home' before us. His owners let their kids chase him, hit him and scare him constantly and he couldn't go outside to get away. I think it took him a long time to realise he could trust us.

He is pushing 20 now and has mellowed a lot in the last few years. He likes more fuss now, but not too much. He comes to us, sits with us and no longer scratches. We wouldn't change him, we love his quirkiness He is so lovely and we feel very lucky to have him. Please persevere.

Oh yes I agree with questionablemouse - another one of ours was a stray that has the most horrific scarring under one of his front legs that affects his mobility where he must have suffered extensive muscle and tissue loss, we suspect he'd had his leg caught in a collar :(

I think you should rehome. I don't think you're a bad pet owner and I'm sure you feel guilty enough. Our cat is a total asshole. He does all the stuff yours does except he also terrorises the dog and is constantly in the vets for injuries caused while fighting. I love him and don't mind. But it obviously bothers you. If you can rehome your one it will be a big relief to you.

I don't put collars on cats either. They either lose them, or there's the worry about them getting caught or sometimes the cat manages to get a front leg caught in it and it will cut into their flesh. Cats also learn to move around without the bell making a noise so defeating the original anti hunting objective too.

Mine are all microchipped and obviously well looked after so a lack of a collar wouldn't cause people to think they don't have a home.

I’ll take all suggestions on board but I do wish that people such as metrorider would read it all correctly. MY child has never pulled the cats tail or trapped her in the corner, they both understand animal cruelty and how to behave. That was the child from where we got her from. My children mainly stay away from the cat as they get scratched but they would never harm her in any way

‘Get rid of’ a family member you made live with you is a gross expression, you’ve used it repeatedly. It boggles the mind the amount of people who do fuck all research into a massive financial commitment to a life, lasting 15+ years and act put out when the animal behaves entirely should have expected.
All rescues are overflowing with discarded animals, there aren’t enough homes in existence for the animals who love human contact, never mind another moody cat. Would your cat be happier in a cage in a charity?

I’m awful with remembering treatments - I’ll remember the day it’s due but then not have the stuff... and the cats will get fleas if you leave it.

I’ve signed up to a subscription service for flea and worming treatments - so the pack coming through the post is the prompt and I definitely have the stuff! It’s an expensive fix though.

High spaces are also key so the cat can retreat when they feel the need.

I have two - one lap-cat who adores my husband and tolerates all others but does love a fuss if he’s out. The other is definitely my DD’s cat - he always wants to be near her and she has to be watched to make sure she’s not getting over enthusiastic with him. But he’d never go near a lap; he may sit next to me on the sofa which is high affection. It’s just a difference in character.

No collar.
Regular flea treatment.
How are you touching the cat? One of mine will bite if touched along her back. She prefers a face rub. Others like a chin scratch.
Very few cats like to be picked up and pulled about.

We recently got an older cat who isnt particularly a lap cat and very much Mr Independent. He will nip and scratch but its his way of saying enough. I am no cat expert but any means but when he first came to us our rules for the kids (and us) were:

• No touching the cat when hes in his favourite spot - this is his safe space and where he goes to just have a bit of time out

• no stroking the cat unless he can see you approaching and nuzzles you or comes to you first

• when he tells you hes had enough leave him be!

Hes very quickly stopped scratching so much (and if he does its usually because that person hasnt picked up in his signals or food is not quick enough coming) and will now come and sit in your lap but will only tolerate a little bit of stroking there. He will even lie on you in bed now to go to sleep.

And thats fine. Its just him. And he seems pretty happy amd content

Flea collars don't work at all. Buy Advance 40 or 80 depending on weight. It's the only thing that works great.

We have 2,got them from a rescue centre when they were both about a year old.The male whole I chose because he was in a pen and pacing is now affectionate.The other my DD chose is more aloof.She has a hidey hole under the kitchen sink that she went into when we first got her.She shreds the carpet on the bottom stair,he mostly uses the scratching post.
They mostly stay in at night,especially this time of year and this has massively reduced out little presents which they leave for me by the glass door.
They didn't play when I first got them but we left ping-pong balls around and attatchrdba toy on elastic to the scratching post and we could hear them at night.They also eventually chase a light of in the mood.
We are using feelaway ATM as it is spring he wants to play with her and she hissed at him so we are using it to help calm her.
I would miss having them sleeping around the house or trying to wake me in the morning.
Also try dreamiest,the slightest packet rattle will bring them running.

Right OP I think you could have done much more in the last few years. I echo the thoughts of a poster who mentioned your lack of knowledge of Feliway. If you haven’t heard of that before , you’ve definitely not worked with this cat and expected it to fit in itself.

Jackson Galaxy is great to follow on YouTube, he has a few books too that could really help change everything.

OP I have 3 cats and I'm looking in to getting my 4th the best piece of advice I can give is that cats are like humans they have their own personality and they are either affectionate or there not all of mine love being fussed 2 of them love giving cuddles and laying all over me 1 of them hates being handled and only likes being fussed when she wants it not the other way round. I leave my cats to it and let them do their own thing they will come and find me if they want anything I certainly wouldn't ever get rid of them because they are just being cats. Just because you wanted an affectionate cuddly cat and that's not what you got doesn't mean that you can now just give up on them. Look into feliaway and learn how to not force your affection on to the cat let them tell you when they want something.

Poor, poor cat 😔

Just get rid of it

A further word on fleas if she is getting infested easily when you are a little late with the treatment it could be that the fleas are in your house.
We had real problems with our cats when we moved house as we were getting all manner of wildlife in the garden, obviously carrying lodgers!

The fleas got in the carpets and soft furnishings etc and it was quite a big task to get rid. Both cats now have a twice yearly injections so that if any fleas bite them they are rendered sterile, so unable to breed (its quite pricey though) that combined with clear spot seem to keep them at bay.

I have had cats for over 50 years and they are all different, yours has had a bad start but they all individual in their likes and dislikes , as PP's have said don't over fuss her let her dictate where she wants to be touched.
I have one at the moment who cannot bear being stroked on his back but loves his foehead being scratched.He will not sit on your lap if you are indoors but sitting on the garden bench he will happilly sit on your lap!
We also have a female who will only be affectionate if you are lying on the sofa or lying in bed!
They are all very much individuals OP, and getting one that is older and not a tiny kitten, is a bit of a lottery I'm afraid.

Just to add that Frontline Plus stops flea larvae in the environment too, it's currently on sale at Monster and Petwell, you could get a years supply for about £40, I've just got two months supply for my six.